PPD and Me
I know it has been a while since I have published anything, and I could give all the excuses in the world, but I’m not going to do that. Instead I want to talk a out mental health.
There is such a stigma about Postpartum Depression (PPD) and it is so often not talked about. Many women suffer in silence, a lot of times not even realizing that they are suffering from PPD. Since I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and my mom and both of my sisters experienced PPD, I am more at risk. Adding in factors such as having a hard pregnancy and a child who was born with different needs, the risk increases.
Last week I informed my family that my emotions were all out of whack. I had been crying at EVERYTHING: a sad part in a movie (crying during movies is not really something I do), a happy heart warming story I read online, hearing a relatable song on the radio (happy or sad), SEEING THE TIME 9:11! It was getting out of hand. The first thing my mom and sisters asked me was if I was having sad or bad thoughts; they were screening me. Early on I had talked to them and my husband and asked that they help me watch for signs of PPD because I knew I was at an increased risk, and I had never experienced it in the past so I knew I might not recognize PPD if it reared its ugly head.
It was an easy question for me to answer. I was not having sad or bad thoughts. In fact, I feel very blessed every day. So I started going through the symptoms of PPD (according to mayoclinic.org) to further screen myself. Depressed mood or severe mood swings: no, excessive crying: yes, difficulty bonding with baby: no, inability to sleep (insomnia): yes, hopelessness: no, feeling that you’re not a good mother: sometimes (don’t worry, I know I am a good mother, I just don’t always feel like I’m providing enough to help my kids reach their full potential), feelings of harming your baby or yourself: no, severe anxiety or panic attacks: no.
Wait, I have an anxiety disorder and have not had extreme anxiety in…well…I don’t remember. With all of this COVID-19 stuff happening I’ve not panicked even once. I have a baby that is more likely to have a compromised immune system due to Down syndrome and a heart defect that has yet to be repaired; bad news for respiritory issues. If she gets COVID-19 she will likely be hospitalized and lord knows I will have to pull out all the prayer power in me to save my sanity. Not to mention that she is currently on antibiotics for pneumonia. I should have had anxiety with that too, but I didn’t.
I didn’t know how I was feeling, but I realized I was feeling different. My emotions were so in control and so out of control all at the same time. It was time to talk to my doctor.
I am so thankful that my clinic takes mental health so seriously. I didn’t know where to start, and haven’t established a family care doctor for myself, so I called the office of my OBGYN. Within an hour I got a call back from a nurse saying that she wants me to see this other provider instead, that the provider is really great with this stuff and has an appointment available today, TODAY.
When I got to the appointment, the doctor had me fill out a couple of standard surveys (any mama who has brought babies to early well checks knows these infamous forms that help screen for depression and/or anxiety) and when I got in front of her, she asked me a series of questions. She asked if I’ve been seeing ghosts (my guess is she was checking for hallucinations and screening for postpartum psychosis), and if I felt like hurting myself or the baby. She asked about my sleep (or lack there of) and we talked about how much work my 2 year old is (cause the 10 month old, even with different needs, is a dream…at least for now).
The good news: the doc’s not worried about PPD. The bad news: I’m exhausted. Of course I’m exhausted, I have 3 kids that all wake me at different times almost every night. I have one child who is so independent and busy and strong willed that I can hardly keep up with her. All 3 kids have been sick seems like every other week; finish one round of antibiotics and turn around and start another. Daisy has so many appointments I can barely keep them straight. I’m exhausted.
The doctor prescribed some medication to help me sleep and told me my husband needs to be on baby duty for a few nights (thankfully I have a wonderful, supportive husband who has been a great team player!) and we will follow up next week to determine an ongoing plan. The excessive crying has seized. The anxiety has risen (I know, doesn’t seem like a great thing, but its back to normal levels). I am pretty tired still because my body has not acclimated to the medication, but I feel more normal than before.
Taking care of our mental health is so important for being able to care for anything else. We need to talk about it more. We need to be proactive. We need mamas to know that PPD is a thing and its normal; reach out. There are so many providers who want to help you get better. Reach out for help early. You’ll be glad you did because you’ll be able to enjoy parts of your life that you’ll otherwise regret missing out on. Lets take care of ourselves first so that we have the energy and ability to care for others.
What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality
-Plutarch
