Debunking the Myths of Female Sexuality
Unlocking your sexual potential.
In my early twenties until mid-twenties, I struggled with my sexuality. I hardly ever had orgasms during intercourse, so sex was never too much a pleasurable experience for me. And no, I was not good at faking. “Meh, it was just okay. “ would be my general attitude towards sex. I did not talk about it openly with my then boyfriends (which I probably should have), afraid of hurting other people’s feeling, so I repressed my own sexuality and was far from satisfied, sometimes even feeling frustrated and confused about why.
Initially, I thought there must be something wrong with me (with my body? But I could come easily during masturbation though), then I asked around my girlfriends about their sexual experiences, turned out a lot of them also could not orgasm during sex.
It was quite a relief to know that it was not just me. In fact, it is almost a universal fact that many women just don’t have orgasms during sex. A study from the United States has revealed four in five women, i.e. more than 80% of women cannot reach orgasm through intercourse (or do so only occasionally). It’s a huge contrast to men, who typically orgasm 95 percent of the time.
So, what are the problems? Why can’t women have orgasms during intercourse like most men? My inquisitive mind was determined to solve the mysteries of my own sexuality, and what I say in this article will perhaps also apply to a large number of women.
During my sexually explorative period, a.k.a., the period of self-discovery, I went on dates with many men and had sex with many. I also lived in Shanghai for one year, dubbed the city never sleeps, Shanghai is probably one of the most exciting cities in the world with the most vibrant nightlife, and you could literally meet people from every country. So I let my wild woman go.
I dated men ranged around my own age to the more experienced men in their late thirties (the beauty of being in your twenties is that you could almost date men from all ages), men from different countries and backgrounds, models to CEOs. But still, I rarely orgasmed during my wild sexual encounters. I think only the past recent year I started to understand why and have gained a much better understanding of my own body and female sexuality, it really took me a while.
By the way, did I regret those experiences? Not really. Of course, as a young (and relatively naïve) girl, I enjoyed those experiences. Women desired to be desired, touched and kissed, even if orgasm was not there, and the thrill of flirting, meeting interesting people and getting to know them. I see all those experiences served on my path of self-discovery and contributed to my own growth. Each person is so unique and he would bring you a different experience, which in turn enriches your understanding of yourself, your own body, your sexuality, the opposite sex and helps you to find out your likes and dislikes through trials and errors.
Also, I feel no woman should be called a slut or promiscuous just because we are sexually curious and have high sex drive (yes some women do have high sex drive). If anything, I like to think of myself as a free-spirited sacred slut.
I didn’t have sex with just anybody, and I always made sure protection was in place. No condom, no sex. Also, there needed to be some sort of physical, emotional and even spiritual connection. And now I’m on the path of tantra, the bar just keeps rising higher, the spiritual connection for me is much more important. Unconscious lovemaking would not be my list anymore and I have already passed my early explorative stage, now I’m at the stage of exploring tantric sex and conscious lovemaking.
Okay, enough revealing about my own sexual history, back to the topic of why many women cannot have orgasms and don’t seem to enjoy sex as much as men do. I believe it is largely due to two reasons:
1. Lack of understanding of female sexuality; and
2. Lack of self-knowledge.
1. Lack of understanding of female sexuality
Our educational system does not provide any proper sexual education, probably only the minimal information on sexual protection, but no one would teach you about sexual pleasure.
The only source of what sexual pleasure is supposed to be like in the conventional society seems to be from pornography and movies.
Given all this limited and often highly misleading sexual information, it is perhaps unsurprising that why so many men and women still don’t understand about female sexuality and what makes a woman orgasm!
First of all, it is a huge misconception that penetration alone can make women orgasm. And if you are a man who is reading this and ever wondered why your girlfriend or partner could not orgasm during sex, it is most likely because there was not enough clitoral stimulation. Purely penetration would be very very difficult for women to reach orgasm as the key to female orgasm really lies in the clitoris, not the vagina, as commonly misunderstood.
PLEASE, DO NOT BELIEVE IN PORNOGRAPHY, SOME STUPID MOVIES AND FREUD.
Sigmond Freud, the father of psychotherapy, came up with perhaps the most ignorant theory about female sexuality. Freud classified women’s orgasm as two types, clitoral and vaginal orgasms. He assumed that clitoral orgasm was infantile and immature, and concluded women who achieved orgasm through clitoral stimulation was associated with mental illness. He also stated that mature and mentally healthy women should only be having the vaginal orgasm (see Freud’s Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality).
Freud had zero understanding of female sexuality and didn’t care to study himself, but just decided to make up some ridiculous theory. His wife and mistresses were perhaps faking the whole time (and I pitied them!).
Although his theory of female sexuality was absolute nonsense, the result of his theory was somehow significant given his highly regarded status in the field of psychotherapy. It had no doubt influenced many psychologists, psychiatrists, medical textbooks worldwide and attributed greatly in shaping the society’s perception of female sexuality, which directly and indirectly contributing substantially in suppressing female sexuality.
It is no wonder why there is still so little known about female sexuality and organisms even in 2017. In fact, the so-called vaginal orgasms are commonly the result of either external indirect stimulation of the clitoris or internally — friction against the vaginal walls excites the nerve endings in the interior parts of the clitoris. In essence, the clitoris is the human female’s most sensitive erogenous zone and the primary anatomical source of human female sexual pleasure (see Masters & Johnson’s Research ).
And if you still don’t know where the clitoris is, please refer to in this article in Wikipedia, with a more detailed explanation of the clitoris.
Female’s sexuality is actually not that complex if it is properly understood. Also, female sexuality is very powerful once it is tapped into and females are capable of multiple orgasms, even in a relatively short period. Recently, I have discovered that man can also achieve the multi-orgasmic state, see the Taoist master Montak Chia’s book ‘The Multi-Orgasmic Man’, but that is another topic.
Without proper clitoral stimulation, female orgasm is very very difficult. Yes, there are different types of orgasms such as the mysterious G-spot orgasm, if you want to know more about the G-spot orgasm, then I recommend watching this video.
And nipple orgasm? Although personally, I had not really experienced just by touching the nipple alone can achieve orgasm. But there is no doubt that breasts and nipples have many nerve endings and it is definitely stimulating and arousal. Some women claimed they could achieve nipple orgasm, so it is probably true as everyone is different. I believe the woman’s whole body is orgasmic and if it is stimulated properly, every woman can have orgasm.
Oh, and also the energy orgasm? I have definitely experienced orgasmic feeling without having any intercourse or even touching (namely my spiritual awakening was one of them, and a few Kundalini awakenings, during and after breathworks etc.), I suppose it is probably what it’s called energy orgasm.
Also, women need a lot more foreplay. Women need to feel loved, we like to be kissed, caressed… so men, please be patient and don’t rush into penetration too soon. Nothing turns the woman off more than a man who is trying to rush into penetration without arousing the woman first. For me, twenty to thirty minutes foreplay is standard, especially if you have practised Tantric sex.
Many women probably all know that penetration alone cannot get us to come, however, many women are too reluctant and feeling embarrassed or even inadequate to speak up perhaps due to the deep cultural and social conditioning, when the media, the sex and porn industry, the father of psychotherapist all wrongly believed, portrayed and expected women to come in seconds like men without clitoral stimulation (NO!! Our bodies are not built that way).
And worse, if you were raised by Asian parents, chances are you will never hear the ‘s’ word mentioned from the day you were born until the end of your life. Sex as a taboo subject is so deeply rooted in the society, particularly in the Asian culture, no one dared to talk about it. Everybody acted like as if sex was something completely non-existent, yet we are the walking proof of sexual activity from our parents. (For God’s sake, China has the population of over 1.2 billion people and that is a lot of sex! Yet you will never hear any Chinese parents ever discussed sex, EVER!)
I believe women cannot be fully liberated if our sexuality is repressed, which it has already been repressed for too many centuries! And Women shouldn’t feel embarrassed or inadequate to speak openly about what matters! It really is time for us to speak up, to debunk all the misleading perceptions and revealing the truth.
2. Lack of Self-Knowledge
Every woman is unique, every woman’s body is different and every woman has different preferences. I think it is important for a woman to explore her own body, to understand what works and what doesn’t work, and to have open communications with her sexual partner in order to maximise sexual pleasure.
For instance, I know from my experience that my favourite position is the woman on top position, because the woman’s body is very delicate and with woman on top, it gives a woman much more control, also it is the position that can easily stimulate the clitoral area, hence, much easier for a woman to achieve orgasm.
Generally, a woman would take much longer to reach the orgasmic state. That is why the missionary position is quite difficult for a woman to have control in the pace. It often results in the man getting excited and ejaculate too soon, which short-circuits the woman’s sexual pleasure.
Also, sex is not just about orgasm although orgasm is an important part. If you are on the spiritual path, you would see sex as a sacred energetic exchange between two parties, and the atmosphere of the room, the foreplay and afterplay are all equally important.
I absolutely detest the fast and hard sex that is so prevalent in pornography. Also, I think most women are just faking in pornography, it can be quite easily told from their facial expressions (no matter how much they try to fake it, if you are a sensitive person, you can tell the truth easily) and I do not believe many of them are actually enjoying it. The pornography industry has absolutely hijacked women’s sexuality, it sexualises inequality, violence against women, and the degradation of women.
Here is a video of by my beloved guruji Osho on how sacred lovemaking should be
Please note that I do not fully agree with every single thing my beloved Guruji said in the video — like how the missionary position is always a miserable position — change can be good sometimes too.
However, I do fully agree with most of what he said:
1) Love making is a sacred experience. Purely physical sex is just barbaric and non-fulfilling (especially if have walked on the spiritual path, the deeper you walk on the path, the less u can tolerate just physical sex — I’ve almost grown to zero tolerance on this one).
2) The atmosphere, the foreplay, after play and all are super important in lovemaking.
3) The easiest position for women to reach orgasm is to have the woman on top, as discussed earlier the female’s body is very delicate and when the woman is on top, she has more control over the situation, and if she knows her body well enough, it’s much easier for the necessary stimulation to happen for her to reach orgasm.
Also open communications with your partner are important as it is difficult for one to understand one’s own body and probably more difficult for others to understand your own body. Your partner is probably not a mind-reader, so communicate honestly about what works and what don’t can improve the quality of lovemaking.
And most importantly, relax! Relax both the body and mind, just enjoy :)
Sex is tremendously beautiful and powerful life force and definitely not a sin. So, if you are a woman who is currently not enjoying sex as much and frustrated with your sex life, do not give up too easily, explore more and do more self-study to understand the subject of female sexuality and your own body, and believe that you can obtain sexual pleasure and totally deserve it. Biologically, all women can orgasm, period. (Thanks to the internet and YouTube and brave women like Layla Martin and others who are so courageous to speak up and generous in sharing their wisdom).
As women, you deserve the ultimate pleasure. You deserve the best, whether in life or in bed.
(Feel free to share about your own experience, love to hear more :)
My poetry book Songs from the Soul is now available worldwide on Amazon (link on my website), if soul searching is your thing, then you will probably enjoy it :)
Connect with me:
Originally published at anjali.love on December 20, 2017.