My Fucking Feelings 2/15/’17

I had a revelation yesterday while I was riding. Freedom is found in simplicity. In that moment, wind, adrenaline, and the feeling of rubber on my callaoused palms is where I felt free. Nothing mattered. No thoughts of tomorrow or yesterday. No what ifs. No what was. I could die at any moment and there’s complete freedom in that. Simple.

I think I’ve felt trapped most of my life because I’ve always made life complicated. There are plates that need to spin, switches that must be turned on, people who need to be positioned, in order for stars to line up and for me to become “happy”. As if happy was a butterfly and I was in a cocoon.

Today my life is simple, the simplist its ever been. I don’t punch a clock. I coach who I want. I write. I ride. I teach a course. I chase sweat, moments, and human connection. All these are simple things. They don’t depend on giant what ifs that I have no control over. For Valentine’s Day, I wrote, drank expensive coffee, rode, and ate a relish drenched hot dog while watching a violent action movie, John Wicks 2. It was one of the few Valentine’s Days I didn’t spend trying to write my lover’s name in the sky. Simple. Non-stick. No judgment. No labels. No expectations. Just be. But that is a very very difficult thing to do. Especially in our world. Or at least my world due to the way I think.

The way in which we think will determine how much turbulance we will experience in our life.

We can change our bodies pretty easily.

Our thinking is a much more difficult task.

Living simple and just being is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. It’s something I’ve been consciously trying to work on. Because although my life can look simple on the outside, I am not a simple person. I think. I dwell. I imagine. I drown myself in my thoughts. I get overwhelmed, fast. I need to learn to slow down and practice more patience and acceptance, which is the most difficult thing for me to do, maybe because of wiring or because I’m a fire sign. I don’t know. They are hard pills to swallow. Maybe it has to do with control. Discomfort with self. Running.

But I do know that it’s on the other side of this giant wall where I will find everything I’m looking for.

  • Calming the monkey mind and bringing my thinking down to a very simple state, the here and now. Not tied to anything. No internalizing. Just passing thoughts I refuse to grab. Because when I do, I quickly go down with them.
  • To just be and not be consumed with what the future holds. Be present and inorder to do that, accept. Accept. Accept. Accept. Accept everything that is happening and decide where I want to put my energy.

This is what simple looks like. And from life I’ve learned that simple is where I will find freedom. And freedom is what we need to feel to build happy.

I cut myself in half many years ago. I promised myself I would never be who I used to be, and that included how I used to think. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve taken a step back and looked down that old dark path which only leads to a cul-de-sac. Maybe that’s why I ride so much. It snaps me back. It makes things simple again.

Feeling statements, because I ask them from my clients. I feel mad at myself. I feel disappointed. I feel embarassed. I feel sad. I feel like this growth shit is bullshit. I feel very slippery right now.

And that’s okay.

They are just feelings. Not facts. And I will notice them, accept them, and be reminded that my truth will always be the soil for growth, change, and the new.

It was a tough round.

But there are many more rounds to go.

I trust my trainning (story).

It’s time to fight.

My old self.

Again.

Want more of my fucking feelings?