My Fucking Feelings 4/10/’17 (birthday edition)

Reflections and revelations from a 44 year old Korean man who is grateful he dosen’t live in Korea.

Not that Korea is bad. I’ve actually never been there. It’s because they count the time you’re in your mother’s stomach so I’d be 45 if I lived there. Fuck that shit. #merica!

Okay, so I try to write a birthday post every year. Trials and tribulations and all the shit I’ve learned about life. Life is a big word so I’ll break it down into categories. A year flies by. But it can also be a very long time, depending on where you’re at and what you’re going through. This year felt really long. I didn’t go through much on the surface, meaning my life wasn’t much different. But I went through a lot mentally and emotionally, which at the end of the day is what truly matters. The rest plays out. So here we go. My lessons of 43.

Work.

Work has never been better. I shouldn’t even title it “work” because it doesn’t feel like work. And I know you hate hearing that because it’s so cliche and people who say that annoy the shit out of you, as do me, because they’re all trying to sell you something. I felt the same way until I actually tasted what they were talking about. It’s possible. Your work doesn’t have to feel like work. I’ve never experienced that until this year. Previously although I’ve enjoyed having a full therapy / coaching practice, it was work. Seven years and thousands of sessions. But this was the year I finally branched out. Focusing more on playing with different types of content, getting on media platforms, and launching my first real book. All this has cemented my belief that you really have to do what you love. It’s the only way it’s sustainable. And it has to be sustainable or you’ll quit. If there’s no passion in what you do, you’ll never reach the island. Most don’t. Because the grind is hard, especially if you dread what you do and what we do is how we spend most of our days. So you must discover what you love, thread it into your life, and trust the process. Those are the three main things I’ve learned. Do what you love. Thread it into your life so it becomes a lifestyle instead of a job. And most importantly, trust the process. I feel like I’ve made huge strides with all three in 43.

“Find what you love and let it kill you.”
  • Bukwoski

Also, nothing ever plays out like you wanted or imagined or in the time frame you expect. So patience is the other piece of this. I’ve learned to be more patient this year. I think patience comes with age. The older I get, the easier it becomes. That being said, I know I have to keep patience at the forefront of my brain or it will never be executed in my life. I need to feed it daily or it will die.

Love & Sex

My testosterone dropped this year. It’s some real shit. I couldn’t get it up once during an intimate encounter. Okay, twice. And it crushed me. I was devestated. I don’t know if women will ever understand how things like this affect men internally. Blame it on whatever you want, society, advertising, porn. It doesn’t matter. It’s real. I’ve learned this year that it doesn’t matter how in shape you are, your body will change as you age.

I’ve also cemented the fact that I crave a very different type of sexual experience these days. I need more than just skin and lips. I need a connection. I need to feel something other than pleasure. Again, a part of this may be due to hormones and body changing but I believe it’s more. It has to do with shedding the old and coming into something new, a natural evolution. And I like it. Sex has been too two dimensional for most of my life. I want to hit high notes. I’m thirsty for that. I want to snuggle, watch movies, talk all night, and listen to music. I need to feel comfortable. I may be turning into a woman.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”

Tony Robbins

Fitness.

This marks the year my relationship with CrossFit changed. I stopped competing and explored other type of workouts. I did some meathead stuff. I bought a skateboard. I went hiking. I took some private yoga lessons. I walked. And I did CrossFit without focusing on time and breaking personal records. I became interested in other ways to sweat. I feel like I’ve come full circle with fitness and want to start over. With a blank slate. I’ve learned that it’s important to switch things up. Or your body will plateau.

Friends & family

I loved my dad more this year. I’ve always had resistance toward him. Because of shit that’s happened in the past, his lack of emotional intelligence, and our relationship dynamic. But this is the year I felt genuine empathy and acceptance. I choose to see his heart over his actions and it changed our relationship. I actually enjoyed our meetings. Breakfast was finally about more than pancakes.

Friends.

This year more than any, I’ve learned the importance of friends. Maybe because it was a year of no intimate relationships. Because many (hand raised) end up ignoring or spending a lot less time with friends when they get involved with someone. Friends are everything. They really are. They will pull you up when you’re down and keep you moving when you want to stop. Your tribe can be the most powerful force in your growth. But only if they honestly care about you and your life and want the best for you. I feel like I have that. Finally. And I am truly grateful.

I’ve also learned to be a better friend. And sometimes being a better friend means to say no. Set boundaries. Express what you want. Speak your truth. It’s a great test. Because if it’s not accepted, they’re probably not good friends for you.

Me.

The great thing about your forties is you finally start to care less about the things that don’t matter, like your past, who you were, what you could have done different, what tomorrow will bring, who likes you, who doesn’t, and care more about the things that do, your voice, your stance, being heard, maximizing and sharing your gifts, being picky on who and what you invest your time in, patience, gratitude, and not making it about you.

It feels good to be 44. I feel like I’m in a good place. I feel like I have more to offer than ever before.

Happy birthday to me.

  • Angry