My Fucking Feelings

Friday, March 2, 2018

“Just continue in your calm” from Zen, Mind, Beginner’s Mind is what’s been resonating with me lately.

Like a message written on my bathroom mirror after a one night stand with the universe.

Smack! In my face. More than a reminder. A lesson. Which I need to learn. Calm is something I have struggled with since I was on roller skates and sporting Strawberry Shortcake shirts (my parents didn’t know they were for girls). I’ve always been a spaz. I am still impatient and ansty. When I worked at my family’s restuarant bar, the kitchen used to call me “The Tornado”.

Anyway, you can still hear my thoughts like a clicking jaw out of alignment. I still can’t sit still or wear a tie. I get like this when I’m excited and these days there’s more to be excited about than ever before. Projects. Partners. A new book. I feel a frenzy of energy coming in like a golden cloud and I have a feeling it’s going to change my day to day. No more sitting in coffee shop writing my fucking feelings. I may have to use a calendar. Maybe even put people in slots.

But what does it actually mean, to continue in your calm?

To me, on the surface it means calm the fuck down, stay out of my head, breathe, meditate, the obvious. But on a deeper level, it means to keep my shit real. Be honest with myself. Create boundaries. Choose how I want to spend my time. Because whenever I am not myself, whenever I try to be someone else, ignore my truth, do things for the wrong reasons, seek validation and approval, whenever my intentions don’t line up with my truth and my story, I dip into a subtle panic state. I think we all drop into this state when we don’t live in our truth. And it’s being in this state that turns clouds dark and pushes opportunties away. It flips your magnet.

Keep. Shit. Real.


There’s also another piece to this.

Let’s start with this question.

What is real to me these days?

I’ve been staring at this sentence for fifteen minutes now. Sipping black coffee at the local Blue Bottle I sit at daily. Staring at the grey colored sky, wondering if it’s going to rain. A dog tied up to a street meter. Thinking if I should go workout and how I should get there, two wheels or four. Feeling guilt about the sixty dollar dinner I spent on myself last night plus the three decadent over priced chocolate chip cookies they make from scratch there that I inhaled. I would have felt better if I had knocked out a few podcasts like I planned, opening with how my ideal Friday night is taking myself out to a nice dinner, sipping decafe, and talking to myself (doing podcasts), instead of just going home and crashing. I’m scare some opportunities that have presented itself aren’t going to happen. Again. Cementing my false beliefs — “the almost guy” which I’m trying to dissolve. I’m approaching love differenly. As a student. And I feel like it’s going to give me a brand new experience, allowing me to discover. I’m feeling old. And right now, I notice how small these chairs at Blue Bottle are. They’re like the chairs at school we thought were normal until we see them again as adults, and can’t believe we actually sat in these things.

What is real to me?

I’m going to go with the word moments, which were never real to me before. They were always steps to go somewhere else. Bricks. Bridges. Peripheral. But lately, they’re more real to me than the future. Wait, that’s a lie. But they are more real to me than ever before. Something’s happening. I’m starting to let go in a strange way. I’m willing to work harder now more than ever because I see the beginnings of fruit from seeds I planted years ago. And my Aries blood wants to build big things. But at the same time, I’m also able to not care about the future as much. Just sit in the here and now. Not always. But more than before. Just take things in without attaching and expecting. Practicing mindfulness. I see everyone getting older. Going through their seasons and for some strange reason, it allows me to let go. Or more accurately, accept. The songs I listened to growing up are now considered oldies, like how the 50’s were the oldies when I was growing up. I was talking to someone the other day who had no idea who Limp Bizket was. Not that they were so big. But I remember Fred Durst jumping around with that backwards cap like it was yesterday. And there are people who don’t have this memory. Which just makes me realize that life is happening, fast, and makes me want to let go and let the river of life take me, as I float on my back and just take in the sky.

Moments.

They’re becoming more real to me now. And it’s not because I’m meditating so much. Because I’m not. I think it has to do with age. It has to do with getting to a mental place where nothing is life or death anymore. Except life and death. You can miss things and it’s going to be okay. People can have a problem with you and that doesn’t have to be a problem. You don’t have to have answers. Shit will play out. The future doesn’t matter so much.

I like this because it makes me brighter, more present. I used to be invisible because I was so much in my head. It also makes me more brave, because I give less fucks. I’m just in it for the ride.

So going back to the idea of continuing in your calm.

For me, it’s -

Keeping shit real.

Which means being honest with myself.

And really soaking in moments. Which I finally have some ability to do.


Yes, I want things and will continue to bust my ass for them. But I have a good sense of who I am now. Or at least right now. I’ve been through some shit and I stand on my story because I’ve lived all my chapters and it’s something no one can take from me.

Branches will break.

Fruit will bruise and be unedible.

But I’ll keep feeding the tree and planting seeds, by being myself, keeping shit real, and living in the here and now.

So that’s what I’ve been reminding myself lately, continue in my calm. And let everything else play out the way they’re meant to. And in this unfolding, there will be resistance. There’s supposed to be or there is no growth. And I will do my best to lean into it by having a curious mind, a beginner’s mind as mentioned in the book, rather than reacting and turning the opportunity to grow into old patterns that just keep looping in circles.

Maybe it wasn’t a one night stand.

Maybe the universe will call me back.

This time.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter.

When your practice is calm and ordinary, everyday life itself is enlightenment.

This was the other sentence in the book that bitch slapped me twice.

Many think enlightment is something on a high mountain you reach after years and years of meditation and giving up all your earthly possessions.

What if enlightenment was your everyday life when you practice calm — being you and living in the moment? What if enlightenment isn’t a bell you ring at the end of your life but an ebb and flow of energy and revelations that happens as you practice your calm? As you get grounded and notice your breathing and thoughts instead of being sucked in and drowned by them. When you leave your mind.

I’m starting to believe big words like enlightenment and spirituality are not destinitions in the distance. They are here. Inside us. To access by being calm, still, and accepting. By tossing judgent and expectations out the window and closing it. And maybe when we do this, truly do this daily, not just pass around memes and read self help books, all clouds disppear, good and bad, and when clouds disappear, fears fade. What ifs fade. Expectations fade. The future tripping stops.

And what’s left is -

life.

Real life, with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that you know will upset your stomach. Not the imagined life loaded with our strict definitions and blueprints.

  • Angry

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