The #1 way to stop being a miserable fuck

If I had to only pick one out of the sixty-six tips on how to stop being a miserable fuck from my new book, I think this one below would be it.

+ I’ll tell you how to actually execute it. Because that’s where most drop the ball, the execution piece. And they never experience any real change.

Okay let’s get to it.

Most of us are miserable because we live in hiding. We don’t express our truth. What we like. What we stand for and believe in. We just take what is given. Accept our circumstances. We compromise. We settle. We believe this is as good as it’s going to get. Yes, you have heard this before. Maybe said differently but it’s the same message. I get it. But before you think self-help is like Mexican food — all the same but in different forms, let me explain. Go deeper.

The action of hiding looks like this: Working shitty jobs we have zero passion for. Staying in toxic and lopsided relationships/friendships. Building a life based on other people’s definitions and wants for us, not our own. And over the years, this way of living slowly starts to drown us, creating a total disconnection with ourselves. And it’s this disconnection with self that sinks us into a lower frequency state where our eyes lack life and we become miserable.

So ask yourself,

Are you disconnected from yourself? Are there parts of you you have stuffed away or ignored? Because life happened? Because you’re in a shitty relationship? Because you had children? Because you had to become an “adult”?

Not sure?

Here are some more questions.

Do you ignore your truth because you don’t want to hurt others? Does your fear of people not liking you or leaving you sway your decisions? Do you even know what your truth is? Do you make decisions based on what feels honest to you or a lot of shoulds? When’s the last time you put action behind what you believe you deserve? What do you believe you deserve? Is it difficult to put yourself first? Are you truly passionate about your work?

Answering these questions will give you a good sense of where you’re at. Most ignore their truth. Most don’t want to rock the boat in relationships so they stay silent and suppress feelings. Most prefer security over passion so they stay in jobs that are safe and comfortable. Most don’t take risks. Most don’t show themselves. Most hide.

The #1 way to stop being a miserable fuck is to stop hiding.

In coaching thousands over the last decade, I’ve learned that this is the common thread that people who are miserable have. They are all hiding in some way or another.

How to not hide.

The action of connecting back to self, or for some maybe the first time, is how we stop hiding. The action of giving yourself what want, need, and deserve is what not hiding looks like. In all areas of your life. Work/career, relationships (including the relationship with yourself), and with friends and family. The action of being heard, expressing self, and accepting your story is what connecting to yourself looks like. All of your story. The good, bad, and ugly. Most people want to rip out chapters. When you don’t accept your story, you are disconnecting with yourself. When you disconnect with self, you are hiding.


Going back to the execution piece, so what does all of this look like in action?

Well, everything starts with a decision. And your decision to not hide has to end with a period. Not a question mark. You have to draw a line, a solid one and stand on it. You have to make it a non-negotiable. You have to know what’s at stake if you keep hiding. Actually, let me tell you. Your potential. Your dent in this world. As a mother, father, brother, sister, coach, teacher, mentor, artist, as a human.

Hiding equals death, on the inside.

Action steps.

Start with the practice of getting in touch with yourself.

Get still. Let the all the noise in your head settle. Not once. As a daily practice. Use meditation. Mindfulness. Your motorcycle. Fitness. Whatever works for you to create distance from your thoughts and all your cognitive distortions. Listen to your body. Because our minds have been brainwashed. There is truth in your body. Listen to it. How does your body feel when you think about what you really want? What’s the feeling in your heart? Soul? Shoulders? What would it look like in action to start listening to your body? What if you stopped ignoring the tension in your gut when you make decisions that are not honest to you? What if you allowed your body to direct you? Trusting that it knows more than your mind.

There is something called logic and it will sometimes hijack your truth, convincing you that what you really want isn’t attainable or possible.

The value in trusting and listening to your body/soul is that you strengthening that muscle. You sharpen your radar. You start making better decisions. You break unhealthy patterns. Both in thought and behavior. This leads to

New experiences. This is the island to swim to. In new experiences, your beliefs start to shift.

There’s nothing more convincing than a new experience. You can visualize and think about what you want and where you want to go until the cows come home but if you actually experience it, you tap into what something feels like. You actually feel change, no matter how subtle. And as I mentioned above, the power — a new knowing — is in your body/feeling. This feeling creates a shift in your beliefs.

Once your beliefs change, your behavior changes followed by your life.

Let’s recap.

The best way to stop being a miserable fuck is to stop hiding. To stop hiding you must connect to yourself by standing on your truth and story. By doing so, you will start to make different decisions, breaking patterns and creating new experiences. Giving yourself new experiences start to shift your beliefs. When your beliefs change, your life changes.

Here are the three giant life pie pieces.

What does it look like to start this process of not hiding in these areas?

Work/Career

What does it look like in action to connect to yourself?

Speaking up in meetings? Pushing your creativity without fear of what your boss or co-workers will think? Finally sitting down with your boss and telling her how you’ve been feeling about work? Asking for what you deserve? Starting a side hustle that lights you up so that one day you can quit your 9 to 5?

Relationship

What does it look like in action to connect to yourself?

Telling your partner what’s been bothering you in the relationship? Expressing your feelings and needs? Craving out some you time because you find yourself losing yourself in the relationship? Or maybe realizing you haven’t been happy in your relationship for the last two years, you’ve done everything you could, and want out? Create new non-negotiables?

Friends/Family

What does it look like in action to connect to yourself?

Stop chasing friends who don’t meet you half way? Start creating new friendships with people who you have more in common with? Send your parents to voicemail? Draw healthy boundaries with family members that trigger you?

Chances are something will block you from not hiding and connecting to yourself. Old patterns that have been ingrained. Discomfort. Fear. False and limited beliefs about yourself, your value, what you can and can not do. What’s possible and what isn’t.

But if you don’t give yourself a choice, because you know what’s at stake and you’re sick of just existing and not living a life you want, you will move forward. If you don’t believe in “failure” but rather focus purely on swimming to the island — wanting a new experience rather than an outcome, you will move forward. If you believe your story is greater than you, you will move forward.

Here’s the thing. We have all been miserable at some point in our lives or are miserable now. And that’s okay. It’s part of life. There’s an ebb and flow. Happy is not a constant. It’s an ability. We learn to be happy by overcoming and learning from being miserable. So if you were or are, don’t judge yourself. It’s normal. And temporary.

But only if you start the process of not hiding and connecting back to you.

  • Angry

For the rest of my tips, get my new book HERE.

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