All About Angie

I began therapy on Friday. For privacy reasons, I’ll only refer to her at T. when I blog about it. We have some dispute in the system about whether or not she’s the one we want to talk to but as of this moment, less than 24 hours after the appointment, I can say that I plan on attending next Friday’s session.

She pointed out a couple of times that I switched. I’m not in love with that. It makes it very difficult to have a conversation or to talk if it’s being pointed out. It’s almost like pointing out every time someone blinks. If you’re focusing on when they are blinking, you’re not listening to what they’re saying. I’d say that’s one of my concerns with her. If she’s trying to see if she can catch when I switch, she’s not listening to anything we’re saying. Plus, she noted eye contact is one of the ways she could tell. But several of us have problems with eye contact and others don’t as much. How do you know that’s even a sign for us specifically?

Or maybe that’s unnerving because, other than my doctor that diagnosed me originally, no one else says anything directly to me or us about switching mid-conversation. (Other than Shannen I guess but he’s way more subtle about it.) It must have also startled anyone that would come to the front to speak because as soon as she would do it, they’d be gone and it’d be me, Angie, again. I think I was actually co-fronting or blended with Angel though. I didn’t feel any overwhelming emotion about anything we talked about and I knew she drove rather than one of us.

This has been a way of life for us for more than forty years. It’s like breathing or blinking. *bloop, analogy insert* Every day, you wake up and you breathe and blink your way through the day. You don’t even think about the fact that you are going to blink or breathe. Then, you’re sitting there…staring off into space… thinking about, I don’t know, whatever it is non-traumatized people think about. uh your next cruise…and then you realize that you haven’t blinked for probably several minutes. You immediately blink and go on about your day. Later on that night, let’s say you’re eating dinner and something goes down wrong and stops for just a hair too long. You can’t breathe for several seconds though it feels like an eternity. You get the bite swallowed, take a drink, and finish eating. In a year, you won’t even remember what you were eating when it happened. For over 40 years, I’ve had periods of time that were anywhere from a few seconds to a few years that I didn’t blink and I didn’t breathe. But I had no idea it wasn’t normal. I didn’t know everyone didn’t lose time or block out events or lives. When I would blink or breathe again, it was as though it never happened.

Learning all that I’ve learned about our system and having D.I.D., over the past two and half years has contributed to a bit of my own identity crisis as well. Within the however many identities and people that live within this system, I am one of them. While I thought I was the only one… then the main one… I now believe I’m just one of us. But in being that, I realize that my own identity has always been up for question.

Everyone else in the system was born to be one thing or another. Almost as though who they were was decided from the get-go. And there were times in my life when someone else would be hosting or main fronting for a period of time that they would start to blend into my own feelings or identity. There are a lot of things that I thought I liked or had said I liked that I realized it wasn’t me. I’m not the one that likes slasher movies. I’m not the one who likes hard rock music. I’m not the one who ever wants a steak.

I love writing and feel the need to do so in my soul. It’s a huge passion for me. I particularly love creative writing. I like a lot of types of music and don’t tend to stick to one genre or era. I love babies and younger kids. I am not a fan of older kids or preteens as a whole. I love to plan events, plan parties, and plan vacations. I see my dad through eyes of compassion and love. He did a lot wrong but had a lot more strikes against him than he deserved. I was proud to be thought to be “just like him”. There was freedom and fierceness in that. I see my mother much differently. I know I’m supposed to love and respect her but I feel nothing for her right now. I haven’t for a long time. I’ve needed a reason to not be obligated to see her and there was some relief when I got that.

I don’t feel close to my sister either. I loved her when we were kids but we haven’t had much of a relationship since we became adults. We were raised differently in the same household and that’s only apparent to one of us. I don’t miss her or not seeing her. So much of our life was one-sided. It was always about what I could do for other people and what value I could add to their life. I never felt like I could be authentic even with her. She’s my sister and we’re only 3 years apart but I knew not to tell her certain things about myself. That list would grow until eventually, she knew nothing about me. The reverse could never be said because I continued to be there for her and our mother. I just stopped letting them know anything about my life and no one seemed to have any objection to that.

I love love and am very much a romantic at heart. I love Valentine’s Day because of all the red and pink everywhere. I love how much love it brings into the world. I love animals of all kinds. I’ve always had dogs and loved dogs but actually prefer cats. If I had my choice though, I’d have a really big dog and a really big cat. I love pictures and personalized gifts above almost all others. I love art and creating. I love to paint, create projects, and having finished products. The Bohemian style is my favorite aesthetic for my home and I want the confidence to dress in that style as well.

I hate having long hair but don’t want to be confined to a singular short hair style either. I have no interest in doing my makeup but feel better when I wear light foundation and mascara. I worry about the fine lines developing on my face because I only feel about 34 and don’t want to look older than I am. I love small versions of big things. I also like big versions of tiny things. I could easily live the rest of my life without ever eating meat again but not sugar. I feel like if I’m not doing more than one thing at a time, I’m wasting time and opportunity. Yet I procrastinate horribly.

I love swimming and being in the water. I’m not a great swimmer but I can do enough to not die. I love riding jet skis but am always nervous when I first get on one. I love having tattoos and piercings but still think there’s a point in which someone can overdo it. I love to mow the grass, vacuum, and shampoo the carpet. I hate folding laundry unless it’s towels and hate doing dishes. I was raised to be a Conservative Christian but today, I don’t believe in most organized religions, see truth in far more than just Christianity, and see the Bible as nothing more than a book written by men inspired by their own interpretations and experiences. I’m proud to be a Liberal and believe in socialism. I don’t believe any man should make laws pertaining to a person’s body and genitalia does not determine gender. I love discussing conspiracy theories and could talk about the Mandela Effect for hours. I also believe that if people just kept a steady speed and minded their own fucking business, there would be way less traffic jams.

I’m learning more about myself every day. I’m surprised to find out that I’m pretty artistic in unconventional ways. I know that I’m very passionate about certain subjects. I know that I hate confrontation and have no idea how to fight. Learning more about who I am as an individual as well is also helping me to know my system. And like RuPaul says, if you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?

Amen, RuPaul.

Be kind to those you meet. You never know what battle they’re fighting today.

Peace,

Angie & Circusystem