Having a Good Day Doesn’t Mean I Feel Great

So I’ve tried for a few days to write an entry. I’ve been super tired lately though and finding it hard to do much of anything. There are several things that could be attributing to the fatigue. It could be the weather change, it could be PMS, or it could be depression. It’s hard to know the true culprit sometimes.

This is one of those days where I can say that my DID is under control for the time being. It’s easier to hear people, it’s easier to reason with people, it’s easier to keep our emotions in check. But, as we’ve seen in the recent past, these days don’t always last. I don’t feel particularly overwhelmed with hope that this is my new normal but I take each good day as they come. It’s almost like I stack them up in a corner. “Oh, perfect, that was another good day. We’ll just put you right there.” It helps a little to have that stack of good days to look at when a bad day hits. It helps with the guilt, it helps that I’ve documented when we have good days, and it helps with knowing that the bad days don’t last. This is truly the most work I’ve put into myself in my life.

Having a “good day” does not necessarily mean that I feel great. It means more that my DID didn’t control my day and my actions. I’ve had several good days so to speak but not one that I’ve felt great or productive. I’d had a lot of trouble doing much more than sleep. And it’s not even that I’m staying up late, I’m not. I take melatonin, smoke weed, and go to bed by like 10:30–11:00. I wish I could explain how I’ve felt but it’s been a range of emotions. It bothers me that I haven’t really heard from Libi. I’ve had some flashes of things I don’t want to remember. There’s been some restless nights where I was asleep but I wasn’t. We’ve had to dissociate when discussing a friend of our child who has told our child that he’s being abused. There’s a lot happening right now that we don’t feel like we can talk about. And it’s not like I’m not able, it’s like being blocked.

Alright, well, I apologize for the cryptic and convoluted entry today. My brain, emotions, and thoughts are scattered and cold. I did find a new app to create our avatars of roughly what everyone looks like. This one was much closer except Jaysen should have a mustache and that wasn’t an option; and Parker I did to make on the cartoon side because the realistic version wasn’t him at all. Also, we found out Parker is 9.

Without further adieu, a reintroduction to The Circus:

Angie, the Host. Age 45 but mentally 35. Female, pansexual, married.

Angel, Protector/ Manager, age 40. Female, bisexual, married to Landen.

Jaysen, Protector of Littles, age 26. Male, gay

Asa, Protector of the Teens, age 45. Transgender FTM, straight or pansexual?

Libi, sexual part, age 16. Female, straight.

Nikki, emotional part, age 15. Female, bisexual.

GuGu, first known alter, age 14. Female, sexuality unknown.

Lilly, trauma holder, age 11. Female, mute/ASL.

Parker, age 9. Male, ADHD.

Tika, trauma holder, age 6. Female.

So, just for reference, here’s the best I could do with the app on Parker:

Chiseled jaw? This is not the face of a 9 year old.

I do, however, like the cartoonized version of myself.

For anyone interested in the app I used, it is called iDolly.

Be kind to those you meet, you never know what battle they’re fighting today.

Peace,

Angie, the Host of the Circus