To Live A Life Unencumbered

Good Friday morning. As it usually seems to be, I write blogs after I’ve been gone for some time or after something has happened. But today, this is not the case. The last ‘bad’ day was 16 days ago (ref: August 2) when Deia came out and wreaked some havoc in our household.

In the blog that I wrote, Inside Out Mind Mapping, I mentioned how my headmates and I spent the day alone on that Thursday (Aug 3) and separated from family and people in general. It’s not often that we are alone as ourselves and as a system. Our days are surrounded by people wanting something and things that need to be done. So to have a day where we were all alone together was rare. We switched front positions numerous times throughout the day and had a lot of discussions that we needed to have. Amongst those discussions were the ones including Deia as a participant.

For those who may not know, Deianira aka Deia is a 19-year-old persecutor in the system. But she wasn’t always a persecutor and as children, she was my twin sister who went by the name Angie Brown. She was one of my original protectors and as the young years went on, we were labeled as “good Angie” and “bad Angie” with Deia being the ‘bad’ Angie. When she revealed herself in the system a couple of years ago, she refused to identify by name because of her hatred for it. After we were told who she really was and why she hated the name, she changed her name to Deianira, a name she consciously chose meaning “destroyer of men”.

Deia is a shapeshifter, able to mask as another headmate, who has lost much of that ability as the veils have been lifted. She is half human and half demon and both of her parents reside within the system themselves as Maxx (human) and Mickey (demon). In D.I.D. terms, her mother Mickey is an abuse introject modeled after my own biological mother; the woman who raised us. Mickey holds the same anger and hatred my mother held dearly; and we were raised to have for everyone, criticism of everything that’s said and done, and a reminder that we were never supposed to be here and don’t belong here.

As headmates and a system, we were created just three or four years after the soul entered a body on earth. Yet even before our primary abuser got ahold of us, those first years were still being influenced by my mother’s narcissism, neglect, and unhappiness. Those traits only worsened as the years went on. The emotional neglect deepened. The fear increased. The desperation was overwhelming. I didn’t understand my life at all. I needed help. Things were happening that didn’t make sense. I felt like I spoke a language no one else understood all of the time.

Over the years, Deia became the voice that they tried to silence. She didn’t seem to have the same fears that I did. She didn’t think anything about cussing back at our mother at 17. She didn’t think twice when standing toe to toe pregnant daring our drunk father to hit us at 23. She ran when I couldn’t even walk yet. She screamed when I was mute. She called the police when I hid in closets. She fought the men who held us down. She kept us safe by presenting us to be terrifying in unsafe situations. She was the reason why our boys grew up knowing that no one would hurt them. There were no words minced in her telling them that she had no problem killing anyone who hurt what was hers.

Now it’s been more than 40 years.

Those boys are 27, 24, and almost 22. They now have their own fiancees and children to protect. We are no longer in an abusive relationship or marriage. Our power is no longer up for grabs. So, what’s a former protector turned persecutor born from an introject to do?

That’s the question we are working on the most lately. How do we let go of the necessary roles we’ve always held? If she’s not here to scare off the monsters, what is her job?

My suggestion is to be my sister again. My true, came from the same blood and brain, sister. I told her that day that I love her and am sorry that she had to go through all the horrors that she did so that I didn’t. She sacrificed automatically as though that was the very reason she was created. She may have done the things she did because she had no other choice as she will claim. That it was just what came with the territory. But we all share the same brain. She did have a choice. She could have chosen not to fight. She could have chosen not to protect. She could have chosen to give up.

But she didn’t. Neither did I. And neither did any of the rest of us. We kept going even when nothing around us made sense, even when we didn’t recognize this world. We didn’t succumb to the sometimes overwhelming desire for peace. For all of it to just….stop by any means necessary including death.

I can understand more now that the deep-rooted fears and trauma manifesting into a spiraling, spitting demon of fire is really my sister Angie Brown that I used to play school and get into mischievous fun together. I’m grateful for her voice even on the days that it’s loud. I’m grateful for her years of protection. And I’m grateful that we have the opportunity to co-exist peacefully without constantly preparing for battle. I honor the pain she carries with her daily and will help her to release it whenever she’s ready. We are a system. We are a family. I am here because of them and they are here because of me.

This journey has been so much more work than I ever knew possible. Healing is hard and incredibly painful. Realizations can sometimes make you feel like your whole life has been a lie. But you have to keep digging and find the truth that’s there. Heal yourself and help others around you to love themselves at the same time. I’m ready for a life unencumbered by daily trauma and to co-exist with my system which I’m grateful to have.

Be kind to those you meet. You never know what battle they’re having to fight today.

Peace,

Angie & Circusystem