The Mirror Rule
Author: Yoshinori Noguchi
Review: Aniela Dybiec
What’s it about?
Yoshinori tells a heartwarming story based on real events to exemplify the golden rule to solve all our problems. The Mirror Rule (2006) is part a short story, part an introduction to family constellations and Eastern philosophy, and it ends with a practical guide to improving our relationships and understanding our behavioral patterns.
Who should read it?
- Those aiming at improving their relationship with parents, children and partners.
- The ones feeling unhappy and searching for a change.
- Anyone interested in the Law of attraction, constellations and Eastern philosophy.
About the author
Yoshinori Noguchi (Hiroshima, 1963) studied economy, worked for a human resources company and set up his consultancy. He is now an expert in psychological counseling, leadership and coaching.
Introduction
Eiko, a housewife worried about the bullying his son has been experiencing and unable to solve the situation, accepts the help of a businessman called Yaguchi who teaches her a method to overcome her problems. After several phone calls, he makes Eiko question the contempt she feels for the male referents in her life and finally learn to forgive and feel gratitude. Eiko understands that she has been repeating behavioral patterns and that his son feels the same rejection towards his parents that she felt for her father and husband. By healing her relationships, her son’s self-esteem improves too and he can overcome his fears and start anew. This story, though not completely deprived of a sexist perspective, reminds us that our reality is nothing but a projection of our feelings.
Towards learning to be happy
What Mr. Yaguchi actually transmits to Eiko is that life is like a mirror that reflects the way we feel and the origin of our problems comes from ourselves — this is the Mirror Rule.
If you allow unhappiness and old resentment to take you over, you will be transmitting this feeling to anyone around you. This premise originated in the Buddhist concept of karma and it is present in several religions too.
The first step towards happiness is forgiveness
It is extremely difficult to forgive if you are on the warpath and the defensive. Forgiving, however, does not mean allowing others to cause you harm when you have done nothing to deserve it, but actually letting go of old resentments and choosing peace in our present, and learning to set clear boundaries.
How to establish healthy boundaries
To forgive it is paramount to draw a clear line around those who hurt us and exteriorizing in some way those toxic feelings — you can write them in a paper, it is not necessary, nor advisable to attack anyone that has hurt you in the past.
It is fairly common for people who have not been able to set healthy boundaries with their parents to find it harder to do so in any other relationship. It is extremely important to face that problem first.
Parents to protect their children often try to control all their decisions and avoid any type of suffering. This prevents the individual from developing as an autonomous person and being able to face frustration. As a consequence of having their own judgment, they become easily manipulated and cannot establish limits.
How to overcome parent-children dependency
During adolescence, parents have to learn to separate themselves from their children and they, in turn, have to learn to be independent beings — this is what teenage rebellion is all about.
Yoshinori recommends that if you have not been able to break with the dependence, you should turn back time and start to rebel, even when you are overcome by feelings of guilt.
It is necessary to stop fulfilling someone else's expectations — be it your parent’s or others’. For parents and children to be happy, each party has to have their own space and they should not try to please one another.
How to forgive
- Make sure to create a physical and emotional boundary so the person cannot hurt you anymore. For example, if it is your family, try to move out as soon as possible.
- Use a paper to write all the feelings of hate you have experienced — do not censor yourself. It is completely normal and likely to be overwhelmed by sadness. When you feel like there is nothing else to write, the author suggests getting rid of the paper.
- Make an effort to understand why this person acted the way they did. Some hurt due to their own shortcomings or for pleasure, human beings are not perfect and in an attempt to escape pain or be happy we end up not considering someone else’s feelings.
- Try to write the reasons why you can feel grateful towards the person in question — it could be really simple — say it aloud.
- Apologize if you have done something wrong and write down what you have learned in this process.
Once you have completed these steps, thank yourself for not being the victim anymore and accepting the responsibility for your own happiness, but do not expect any reaction to it, the purpose should be to be at peace with yourself.
Final summary
Each issue we face has the objective of teaching us an important lesson and problems arise for us to take a step closer to happiness. To have a happy life it is important to create our personal criteria and lead an autonomous life. Start by creating boundaries with your parents and learn to forgive them. When you finally feel no resentment and rejection at all, you will project feelings of happiness that will extend to other relationships.
