A letter to the boy who took me for granted then asked me to stay…

To be one hundred percent honest, I have no idea how to write this. Words usually come easily to me, but my feelings are still a mess and my thoughts on the subject aren’t much better. I still feel so many things for you… contempt, pity, anger, sympathy, being only a few. I don’t know from what view point to write from. The one that understands you and all your reasons why? The one that still hurts and aches for some small form of retribution? Or what about the one that is removed and much too tired to be anything but unbiased in the documentation of occurred events? I have no idea, so i’ll just write. Come what may.

I seem to fall deeply, and much faster than could ever be good for me. But I cannot help myself, I let my hopes run away with me while reality stays far behind. So every time I fall it is without hesitation, and falling for you was no exception. Adoring you was hell yet I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to call you mine and you loved to be chased. And with that we began an unhealthy relationship that relied more on how selfish you were with me than anything else, because you kept me comfortably at arms length. Just close enough to be out of reach for anyone else, close enough for me to focus only on you.

I am by no means oblivious but I didn’t let myself register the fact that you were playing a game with me soon enough to quit while I was ahead. And for a while I was, ahead that is, you wanted me and you were all too eager to show it. I quickly became the focus of your affection, though it didn’t last long. Instead of being interested in my mind you were quick to center your attention on my looks. Keeping me just short of satisfied with flattery that was focused solely on my appearance. I saw right through you. Quick to pickup on the fact that to you I was only a trophy to place on the mantle for all to admire from afar as you got to call me yours. Petty, petty, petty.

But I stayed anyway. I hoped that all you needed was time to notice all the rest I had to offer, and begin reciprocating the feelings that I seemed all too willing to feel for you. But you never did and it took me a month to realize that you never would. People like you, and people like me are far too different to collide in a way that results in anything worthwhile. All arrogance aside, you were shallow, valuing looks above anything else. We are nothing alike in that way. Slowly but surely, your refusal to put in any effort that was even slightly inconveniencing became apparent, and you began to irritate me more than anything else.

Finally after breaking one too many promises, and letting plans fall through one too many times, I got tired enough of your childish antics to start moving on. I’d lost enough time to you and began giving it to someone else… who instantly adored me. The second you saw that it took less than five minutes before I suddenly seemed to mean something to you. You blew up my phone with texts, which is ironic, speaking you never had time to text back before that. You also called and called but I had no interest in humoring your desperate attempts to hold on to something you had just now realized was worth holding on to.

But having been left with no explanation plenty of times myself, I knew you deserved at least a reason why since you seemed to be confused even though i’d spelled it out one too many times for it to still be confusing. So I called. I was so angry with you. You sat there denying what you knew was true, denying the fact you ignored me and treated me like a toy you got to pick up when bored. After some time of this, through fresh tears you begged me for another chance. You said so many things. “I just realized how much you mean to me.” “I see now that this is real.” “I’m sorry it took me so long to notice you.” But it all just sounded like excuses without even an attempt to own up to how bad you treated me for so long.

And I know how heartless this all sounds, like I don’t care that you were hurting. But I did, and still do. Hurting you wasn’t what I was going for, but it’s how it ended up. I don’t blame myself for your pain, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you can’t either. I tried, I stayed, I gave while you took. It was you that didn’t care even half as much as I needed you to, half as much as any semi-healthy relationship would require. It was too late, your pleading didn’t hold any weight, and I was already gone.

In that time I let you walk all over me, but that did not mean that I forgot how much better I deserved. I know my worth, I know better, and I didn’t act like it for far too long. You got used to me waiting for you. I’m sorry it blindsided you and i’m sorry it didn’t work out how you wanted it to, I truly am, since for the longest time I ached for it to work out too. But now it’s gotta be someone else’s job to love you. I hope you learned something from me. All cattiness aside, I hope losing me taught you that people deserve better. I deserved better. Demand better from yourself, and you’ll find someone to take my place.

I hope you’re doing well but i’m not checking up on you anymore, I left your life so i’ll be respectful of that and let you be.

— A