The Life of Black Girls at PWIs
Part II: On Wednesdays, We Wear Pink
by Anijah Boyd
Dear Black Girl,
Have you ever tried admiring another woman rather than letting your insecurities show and finding every reason to discredit her? The next time you fix your mind to hate on someone, try appreciating the good in them instead. If you can’t, you still have a long way to go, but if you can you’re closer to finding peace within. Remember that your enemies always reveal your true colors and insecurities. Try not to let them bring you down to their level of self-hatred. What people think of you will never compare to what you think of yourself.
I’ve had women say all types of things about me without even knowing me, truly. How does someone who doesn’t know you think that they can speak truth upon your name? For a moment, I was almost phased by the negativity that began to surround me but because I take the time out to focus on myself daily and mind my business; I realized that the things people say about others negatively are a reflection of what they dislike about themselves. Let them indulge in envy. I think that’s why a lot of people I’m not close with believe I’m very uncaring or nonchalant, but if you were to ask someone that has taken the time to grow with me, they would say the exact opposite. Nurturing is in my nature, but once you disrespect me I don’t care about nurturing you. That’s not me being nonchalant, that’s me having standards for the people that surround me. If you can so easily use words as a form of attack, I don’t want you around and that’s that. Be careful who you make enemies out of. Once that line is crossed, the so-called friendship is forever tarnished and if it’s me, you have lost someone essential.😘 True friends wouldn’t do such things anyway, so you don’t have too much to worry about.
The people you lose along the journey are gone for a reason. Do not fight to keep them.
Aim To Be ABLE
I remember looking around and seeing every hair type from 3a to 4c. It was refreshing to be in a room full of women that I could relate to and that loved one another instead of finding every reason to judge. As soon as Chy and I walked through the doors we were warmly greeted as if we had all known one another our entire lives. Sharply at 7 o’clock, a kind voice said:
“Okay ladies, we are going to begin the meeting. Who would like to start off the creed?”
Someone eagerly volunteered and alone said,
“Aim to be ABLE…”
Then 30 other voices chimmed in so that all women in unison said,
A.mbition encourages me to reach for higher heights.
B.eauty encourages me to always be graceful.
L.eadership encourages me to blaze new paths.
E.quality encourages me to always seek justice.
Chy and I looked at each other with excitement and knew we had found a home here. These women taught me how to appreciate other women and the similar struggles that we face. Why hate on another woman when you can uplift her? Why judge so harshly when you can simply mind your business? I’ve learned through my journey dealing with women’s hateful tendencies that the only person I should be worried about is myself. The woman that I am and aspire to be will always be under someone else’s judgement. Most of the time, that judgement comes from envy. On the other hand, the people that love you will call you on your bullshit in a more intimate setting. Yah, Chy and Trisden will tell me when I’m wrong with no hesitation but I know they have my best interest at heart. My ABLE sisters will support me without even having to think about it. That’s what REAL friends do. Friendships are not tied to lies, arguments and question of loyal. They are rarely perfect, but never deceitful.
Critique the people around you. If something makes you uncomfortable or you don’t agree, speak up or remove yourself (preferably both). You don’t have to be rude or snappy, the more eloquent you are the better. Not being able to empathize is the downfall of most women and why we can so easily judge instead of hearing each other out. You are allowed to dismiss people from your life because they aren’t meeting up to your standards or don’t make you feel loved or happy.
The Importance of Self-Love
Entering college I definitely did love myself but it wasn’t as prominent as I thought and this presented itself through my academics and relationships. It’s so much easier to prosper when you COMPLETELY eliminate ain’t shit niggas and spend more time in the library. (Not just mute them. ELIMINATE them). I struggled with letting go of someone that didn’t really care about me, but wore a mask that clouded my judgement. My gut knew what was real but I didn’t listen. It was a lesson I needed to learn and till this day am still very grateful for. It made me think about how men love saying that a woman is dumb for staying with a “bad guy” but never really address why the guy being ain’t shit is an issue. Women are always stupid for not leaving a man or loving too hard. The man is rarely called out for being manipulative. Don’t condition yourself to be the average “ride or die,” ladies. You don’t have to stay because he apologized for cheating and lying to you. It does not prove your loyalty, it proves he can do whatever he wants and you’ll positively reinforce his behavior by staying. Guard your energy not his wrongdoings. The relationships you build with people in romance and friendships are a reflection of you. If you feel like your friends aren’t supportive enough of you it is because you haven’t forced them to show you their full potential. If your boyfriend doesn’t treat you the best, state your requirements. They can get with it or get lost. The treatment you allow is ultimately a representation of what you think you deserve. Realistically, if you knew better, you’d do better.
Above all, you must love yourself. There will be colorism and obsession over European beauty standards around you at this mayo filled institution. Learn to appreciate your Blackness entirely, not just because some White model took your features and made them the new hype. Don’t love your lips because every Kardashian wants full lips like you, love them because they are yours and were handcrafted by God just for you. Accept that your hair is kinky, curly and that your lips are full and soft. Accept that your skin has a kick of extra melanin and looks golden in the right lighting. These are the features that we were once made a mockery of for. Ya’ll remember Saartjie (Sarah) Baartman don’t you? Now everybody wants an ass like her, but even back then her features were envied even though her Blackness was hated. Remember: it’s so much easier to do well when you look within and admit your mistakes. After guiding yourself to a better state of mind, success will follow.
God Comin’ She Just Taking Her Time
One thing I noticed about women in college is that we all have one thing: Ambition. Some more than others and that’ll be clear when you realize how many of these same women are all in your business. There was a period of time where I had no ambition at all and the only thing I had to look forward to was Hip-Hop and my writing. I didn’t know where my major was taking me or how college was beneficial. For a long time, I was swimming in confusion. What will I do after college? Where am I going to intern? Will I have enough money to survive on my own or will I have to go back home after graduation and live off of my family? These are things I still worry now as a sophomore. But as I get deeper and deeper into college, I see my ambition growing stronger. Even if I don’t get a job in my field of study I know my hustle won’t let me depend on anyone else. I see that same work ethic in the women I surround myself with. I look up to them the same way they look up to me. It’s the healthy version of envy. I knew I was heading down the right path when I looked at another beautiful woman and gave her all the credit due.
Stop worrying so much. As long as you work hard, you’ll get where you need to be. Don’t slack and expect good grades to get handed to you because you’ll surely fail a few classes until you understand. You are not a middle to upper-class white man so those grades matter. When you fail, there won’t be any privilege to pick you up so get your shit together. Susan and Jake had a head start at birth and you’re scrabbling to catch up at a PWI. There are many more Susan’s and Jake’s sitting in class not taking notes because, whether they realize their privilege or not, they will succeed because of it. That’s not you. You are among the Betel’s (pronounced Bay-tell), and Elda’s sitting in White space that have no room for failure.
Female Energy
Female allies can be your greatest strength or weakness. Work together effectively. Don’t fight over boys and don’t let your friendships fall a part because you never required the people around you to give you their all. Pray for one another.
You each need it more than you’ll ever imagine. Once you learn to empathize with the women around you, you’ll learn to love them regardless of the hate they may have filling their hearts. That is the ultimate achievement in self-love and care. When you can look at someone else without considering how much they dislike you and simply appreciate the unique creativity they bring to the world that says a lot more about the growth you have decided to accept.
This month, I decided to bring together a bunch of Black women with hearts of gold and spirits that I admire dearly. Victoria, Sade, Itohan, Jourden, Nneoma and Poirshea all decided that they wanted to be a part of Black Girls at PWIs and how I admire them directly reflects everything I have mentioned in this article. They all have a hustle and will to make it about them. I’ve never seen women with smiles and bright as theirs and that’s a big reason why I chose images where they look carefree. That encompasses the Black girl experience.
Through all of our trials, we must know that no matter what we go through, that smile will return. I could explain all day how I admire Jourden’s natural kindness and Sade’s determined personality, but I will just say that all of these women taught me how to be a better woman. Vic taught me to smile more. Ito taught me to embrace my skin. Nneoma taught me to be more carefree. Poirshea taught me to get through my problems with the grace of a queen. I thank God every day that each of these ABLE Queens were brought into my life and this story was my way of telling them that because sometimes I don’t think they know for sure how much they mean to me. Uplift every woman you come to meet. We are more a like than we are different and once you can put your pride and insecurities aside, you’ll see that there is something you can learn from the beautiful women already in your life starting with your mom or mother figure. The world doesn’t go ‘round without us, ladies. Love and learn from one another.
