10 African Women on How They Prefer To be Loved
The season of love is here, and X is riddled with tweets of people expounding how they love their love(r)s. Many are handwritten. Some are wrapped. A few are said. Others are sung. Several are professed, even.
All of these displays and testimonies of love nudged my recollection of a beautiful morning this December. At first, this same day sat on a fence between the Dry season and the Rainy season, until it didn't.
The air became dry. The Sun hung high in the sky, and I was happy about my laundry spread on the clothesline earlier that day. They will dry at a go. It was in the happiness that this thought brought me that I gamboled down a distance I would normally board a shuttle.
I met him there.
He is the guy who asked me out when I was in year one. I had said 'No' to him, and as a result, he took to making nasty comments about me.
When he saw me, he wanted to talk. I had questions for him, so I waited. Then he mentioned again how he loved me and still loves me. He said it was in a bid to always have me think about him that made him start making nasty comments about me. He said he loved me and he made nasty comments about me. "Would that ever make me love you?" I asked him.
Most people think someone will automatically love them because they profess their love to them. This is not always the case. Do you know their love languages? This guy I mentioned earlier asked me out in an auditorium that contained no fewer than two hundred students. He wasn't subtle. He was totally dramatic about the whole thing. I was more embarrassed than I had felt loved. If people do not understand the love language(s) of the ones they claim they love, it is like speaking French to someone who only understands English and Yoruba. No matter how they try to express their love, whilst speaking French, it will amount to nothing, for those with whom they are trying to communicate their love cannot comprehend it. "Je t'adore" to someone who would only appreciate "Mo nifẹ rẹ" is a sheer waste of time.
To understand love and loving, I asked 10 African women how they prefer to be loved. This way, my readers will realize that it isn't always about them. It is also about those they claim they love.
Titilayo, Nigeria
Mostly, I prefer attention. Communication. I love being communicated to. I always want to be in the life of my partner. I want my partner to be open to my being in their life. I love handwritten notes. Notes written out of the blue — Notes written, appreciating my personality.
My man should bathe me. Make meals for me. And fill me in on the minutest details of goings-on in his life.
I love me a vulnerable man. It endears him more to me.
Bonike, Nigeria
Buy me gifts, no matter how small. Give me quality time. Check up on me at intervals. And, I love sweet hugs and cuddles. He should buy me or cook me nice meals, the kind that will make me snub my home training.
Bern, Ghana
We can't actually tell to what extent we'll want to be loved. All we ask for is a love that won't suffocate and chase life out of us. One that sees our flaws and yet appreciates our strength. One that roots for mutual growth. One that allows one to be real and not measured or compared to past partners.
Aderounke, Nigeria
Show me. Tell me yes, but show me more. No, I have had people tell me they loved me, but their actions told me they hated me. So, I now take “I love-yous” from the opposite sex with a pinch of salt. Show me, though.
Blessing, Nigeria
Love me not with mere words of care, but those which give succor and a gentle touch of reassurance.
Love me not with acts of pretense, but with genuine works of kindness that reach the inner chambers of the heart.
Love me softly and treat me with utmost care — even more than the way you'd cherish the most precious jewel in your possession.
These are the ways I prefer to be loved.
Oluwaseun, Nigeria
There are a few ways I want to be loved.
The first that comes to mind is kindness.
I have this thing for kind men. Those little gestures that one thinks do not matter, please, do them.
With fondness, I do remember this little act of kindness I received in 2014. There was this male friend. I will call him A.
We had only started relating well in 2014. He had only visited me for the second time, and I asked him to accompany me to where I could subscribe to Strong, our decoder at the time. We walked by the roadside and it got to a point, a car or bike pedaled close to me. Mind you, I was at the end closer to the driveway. When he noticed the bike (I didn't), he drew me towards him, and took my position. I didn't tell him how I felt that day, maybe. But I felt good. It is probably the reason I still like him.
The second guy: I jokingly told him I was going to bathe with detergent. The guy went to his room, knocked on my bathroom door (it's a bathroom shared by all of us in that apartment), and wanted to give me his soap because he thought I was serious. Once in a while, I still fondly think of him because of that action.
The third guy: We were going to a vigil together. We were about to cross the road and he reached for my hand without asking. I went, "Wow, this is a thoughtful man".
Let's expound the second way I want to be loved. There is this portion of the Bible that talks about the two greatest laws. The first is to love God. When Jesus mentioned the second, He did not say it was lesser than the first. So, my second point is not lesser than the first. I cherish faithfulness. Please, you show you love me by being faithful. Be plain, too.
Agnes, Nigeria
I prefer to be loved in the present. In genuine moments that I experience, so often I'm never worried I'll get another, but I'm frighteningly aware this one is passing.
I want tenderness, togetherness and understanding — a gentleness that can take me in. And though it may not understand me entirely, it treats me kindly, always offering kind words.
Love, to me, resides in seemingly little gestures - their smiles, shared jokes, belly laughs, unwavering support, a soft refuge for my tears and fears, attentive ears, our entwined fingers, random calls, meaningful conversations, love notes, comfort, cheek kisses and big hugs.
It is to be seen, accepted and respected, that when I look at them, I think, "Yes, this is home".
Helen, Nigeria
Until you asked I did not know. Until you asked, I wasn't aware there are ways to love to be loved.
I was confused. I still am, but I took a few love language tests, and had a conversation with AI about it, and I became aware of a few ways.
I love words, and nothing excites me more than words skillfully, or sincerely, woven with me in mind, but for some reasons, I'm wary of them at times. So, I'd rather say something more reliable.
One of the tests ranked "receiving gifts" as my favorite love language. The thoughtfulness behind it moves me deeply, especially if you can give me a glimpse into those thoughts.
So, I guess all I'm saying is I prefer to be loved in thoughts, with thoughts, and through thoughts.
Think of me, acushla. Don't be shy.
Immy, Uganda
Love me honestly and completely. Do not try to do things you can't do; I'll distance myself.
I prefer to be loved in truth. When you love me, I own your attention.
You have to recognize every change (good and bad) without me telling you. Take notice of my new clothes, hair, makeup, worries, fear, excitement etc. It's crazy, right?
Simi, Nigeria
I prefer to be loved with respect, appreciation, support, effective communication and acts of services.
Ten women have disclosed how they desire to receive love from their loved ones, especially their lovers. In a way, it is their dream, which, in all likelihood, will translate to their reality — that is my utmost prayer for them, if they have not begun to experience it yet.
I must add, however, that love and loving have a unique trait: it is peculiar and person-distinctive. One can hardly love two persons the same way, and one can hardly receive love from two humans the same way: there is always a particular difference that distinguishes one person's love from the next human's.
As humans, we, too, as we grow, discover new ways of how we want and expect to be loved by others, especially those we hold dearest. Our love languages may sometimes be all-inclusive with one human whilst it is monotonous with another — it all comes down to our individual vulnerabilities towards the giver of the love we seek.
Now that you have read different dreams and desires of women who want to be loved, even you, pray, tell: How do you prefer to be loved? Share them with me already.
I know you will smile, throw your head back, and imagine several ways you want that special human to love you, or you may feel your skin pink with delight as you recall numerous awesome ways through which you have experienced a unique love and loving.
However, as best you can and as when you can, spell it out clearly to that person who loves or seeks to love you. Ensure they are a stickler for your love languages and conscientiously endeavor to share them with you. Because, in the end, it is their love and loving that count -— not the words you share with me.
