Looking back. A landmark year made of significant losses.
7.19.16
Losing family.
A man whose daughter’s hand, I had once asked in love; who I had come to adore and admire as my own father, passed over to the other side. His presence spoke so much louder than his words. His favorite sparse words that he would boisterously use, were to choose who he loved the most, when pushed to a corner by a feisty daughter — and recounting his recently acquired skills of negotiating lychees down by a full dollar. The final moments, saw the life-support machines transform jagged mountains to a single linear beeping line. It was as if a saint had left his body. Fittingly and wordlessly, moments later, we took refuge in a nearby Ganesha temple diving inwards, as Pappa floated nearby. In stark contrast to the week’s anguish, was followed by pure bliss blessed by a life lived fully, highlighted by a pilgrimage for the ages, culminating in an immersion of the ashes in the lap of the holy river Ganges.
Losing vanity.
A signature manicured beard started disappearing, patch by patch. Slowly the head started showing holes inter-spaced perfectly, people actually mistaking it for style. I negotiated awkward stares from strangers and trepid questions from friends. Potential remedies included ayurveda with panchakarma detox, steroid shots, homeopathy, even hanging blood sucking leeches from my skin. The search to get hair back is still on as the holes take over the precious real-estate on my face and scalp. As of a couple days back, chose the only logical option — all shaven — all gone. The look is different, it’s cleaner and it’s cooler (new profile pic coming soon!). Yes, I still remain the same.
Losing comfort.
Switched from marketing to product. A new world of being at the center of technology, design and business. Words like platform, sprints and entrance criteria hesitantly rolling out from my tongue at the outset. Yet everything being intuitive, putting a human being at the center of every decision. Finding deep empathy and connection to make people’s lives better by shipping products infused with happiness, covered by the Times and the Journal, amongst other publications. Losing the boundary between work and service, personal and professional. Recognizing that distinctions are in the mind. At the end it’s all one life.
Losing lust.
Breaking away from the bondage of lustful cravings that had ravaged me as a teenager and had left deep impressions well into adulthood. Every indulgence momentary and fleeting, while the pinch associated with objectification only increasing. Finally, there came a point, it was just not worth the trouble succumbing one more time. And so it remains and I don’t take it for granted. Not being at the mercy of the senses (taste still WIP!) is my freedom. Not being feverish about pleasure, is my passion.
Time and again, the questions worth self-reflecting are — “How” do I not get paralyzed by the fear of losing what I already hold dear? How do I let the greed of winning and acquiring not take over my mind? From my limited experience of lifetimes — the answer reveals itself when nurtured by a regular meditation practice, and as Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar hints — lies not in fear, not in greed, rather only in love. “Even if you win in ego, it is a loss. Even if you lose in love, it’s a victory”.
I celebrate these losses with humility, and yet, I prefer victories. So for now, on this full moon night dedicated to the Masters, I will claim small victories and learnings on the journey to the Self. Victory over time and body bound soul connections, victory over the need of skin-deep appearances to impress, victory over inertia that stalls progress and finally victory over the never-ending thirst to satiate one of the senses.
Looking ahead. New experiences await around the bend, as the Earth revolves one more time around the Sun, under the benevolent refuge of Jupiter, looking out in the galaxy.
