i got it in june of twenty twelve, from a lady who looked into my eyes with fascination. i only got to spend a year and a half with her, having every aspect of our unique relationship insulted by everyone we knew, and ultimately homelessness tore us apart. my life has been a miserable, hopeless, lonely hell since then. i have not had the happy cheery time this lady, or any lady for that matter, has had. i’m a male, thirty eight. every day, i feel uglier. alienated. isolated. unwanted. ignored. repulsive. repugnant. rejected. i have asked so many women over the last three years of traveling, through four major cities on this coast, and they all tell me know. they are scared of me, no matter the issues. they are cowards. is it because i’m a man that it’s impossible to have the same cheery social time this lady had? or is it because people have a stigma about homeless people they can’t get over? is it the black trench coat i wear? or my ptsd? my taste in metal music? which is it that alienates me from the rest of you so much? why does everyone ignore me? why can’t anyone be curious enough to stick around? why do i have to be so brutally alone, through every moment of this miserable life? i used to think i was worth touching. now, i just want to die. i want to disappear into the arms of darkness. remove my hideous life from this paranoid consumerist society.