I spent many years being silent, smiling when someone needed a smile, laughing when someone needed a one, I always thought that the needs of others mattered more. I always told myself that as long as others could smile, they wouldn’t see how broken I am. I don’t remember when, but somewhere along my way down the path of life I took a path that was cold and dark. To me it didn’t matter I actually liked this path, I loved solitude and grew a wall around my heart.
Then people wormed their way inside my wall, but they knew not to take it off. I protected what I had left, I didn’t want to lose my ability to love or smile. Somewhere along the way, I lost my smile, I can’t remember when I last smiled for real. No one noticed the silence, like I wrote in one of poems,” My scream was silent, so silent that the wind carried it everywhere hoping it would be heard.” Keeping a face devoid of emotion is easy, but a person can always cry out as loudly as they can, without the use of their emotions.
Writing became my lantern on this dark path, I loved it, writing is a way for me to deal with the different stories that run through my head. All day long story after story run through my head while part me focuses on the real world. A perfect world doesn’t exist, like there is no such thing as a perfect human. In my art when I draw a human face, I never draw the left side. I always draw the right, a person only ever shows you their “right” side, what is right with them. People never show them what is “left” of them, the part of them that isn’t right.
I believe people see the world through their own lens, some are colorful but other are monotone. I don’t care for much, as long as I can write, the problems of others don’t matter. There is no such thing as a person who is whole, there is as least something that is broken. Silent screams are loud, so loud that people plug their ears, not wanting to help someone.
The only part you see is the front of a person, even if their back is bruised and scarred. Their wings are beautiful, sparkling bright, proving their strength. Sometimes a scream echoes forever or stops when it is heard. I wanna be someone who can touch people with my words, with my writing. I don’t need pity, my heart is far to protected to really need it. I smile and laugh when I see someone needs it, no one deserves to be hurt. No one deserves to cry in my eyes. Reality isn’t always fair, I know this. In anything I draw, I don’t go for it looking real, nothing is even, not ever. An artist draws what they see through their own eyes, I don’t see the illusion but a cruel reality. I never had someone there to say what’s right from right. I grew in place full lies, cheating, and unfairness. Where the children turned into adults faster that most kids their age should. Where the children watch the parents as if they’re the parents. Growing up on promises that were broken in the blink of an eye. I think it was in this environment my heart began to build its wall. When my mind began to work differently than most in my family.
I was expected to do good in school, so much so that I really never had to study for a test. Not once have I ever studied, I always passed with at least A-C, only in a test where I could understand the concept as a whole. If I didn’t understand it I at least got a D.
“Shout” is poem similar to my poem “Silent Scream”…
I scream and yell but it’s like talking to
My voice locked inside, what’s the point if
you won’t listen to a word I say.
If I wave a flag and scream,
“ Listen to me I have thoughts too!”
Would you turn your head and laugh.
i have tears but I refuse to shed one.
I’m strong and one day you’ll listen.
For now I’ll take the abuse and hope one day…
I win and you lose.