Rebel Without a Mantra

It’s so easy to be a rebel these days. All I have to do is not practice meditation, yoga or mindfulness.

Seriously, I can’t scroll through my Facebook feed, read a newspaper or turn on the TV without seeing someone rave about how CEOs, school children, veterans, NFL players, golfers, etc., are all doing yoga or meditation. There are even yoga classes set to heavy metal music, which may be the most oxymoronic thing I’ve ever read.

I’ve tried to see what all the fuss is about. A couple of times I used guided meditation on Headspace, but it only made me a head case. My thoughts don’t have bouncers, so I keep thinking the whole time about how I’m not really meditating, and, oh by the way, I can’t forget to pick up some detergent and milk from Copps on the way home from work.

Who am I kidding? When I need to meditate, I go to the pen aisle of the University Bookstore. Few things clear my head more than gazing at all those Uni Balls, colorful Parker Jotters and the fancy pens behind the glass counter. If there is a mantra, it’s “1.0 mm” as I scan carefully to find 1.0 mm tip pens because fine tips are an abomination. The notebook aisles provide yet more meditative effects. Something about a blank notebook and new pens makes me believe in new possibilities and a clean slate.

I’ve attempted yoga, too. It seems that yoga classes at the workplace started becoming the rage a couple years ago, and I took a class at that time. Although there was something fitting about assuming corpse pose before going off to start my work day, I’ve since become a firm believer in separation of work and exercise.

I now perform yoga in the confines of my home using Magic Erasers. I’ve discovered you can stand in front of a wall with Magic Erasers and, using mountain and swan dive poses, clean a whole wall. Downward facing dog with a Magic Eraser under each hand and foot is a great way to clean floors. Plus, using a Magic Eraser has a meditative effect. The way a gentle swipe of a bright white Magic Eraser completely cleans a surface practically puts me into a trance. So I can accomplish yoga and meditation all at once.

As for mindfulness, I’m mindful of all the mindfully mindful talk about mindfulness. Does that count?

This Humor Me column originally appeared in the Herald-Independent on February 18, 2016.

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