I almost died in 2009. I had been in an abusive relationship for three years, and my ex tried to kidnap and kill me.
You see, I stuck around in that abusive relationship because I was trying to protect my ex’s three kids who, as I witnessed on several occasions, were abused by him too. He would hit them, kick them against a wall, beat me up in front of them… it was a horrific time in my life. I felt worthless and weak. Until one day, I had enough.
I finally realised that it was all beyond me, and him being in jail was the best and safest chance those kids had at a normal life. Unfortunately, when I finally decided to break free, I was hunted down and beaten up by him. It was just like leaving a gang.
Years of recovery, in the form of therapy, yoga, and support from my loved ones, taught me many things. I learnt how to stand up for myself. I learnt that I should reject all forms of disrespect and that I must love and accept myself whole-heartedly. I even made a promise to myself that no matter what I was dealing with, good or bad, I would share it with at least one person. But the biggest thing I learnt was how strong I really am. Until today, it feels weird to say this, but looking back on this time in my life, how else could I have survived?
I survived. Now it was time to LIVE.
Following that harrowing relationship, I re-evaluated my life — my choices, priorities, goals and desires. I was given a second chance at life and I wanted to make full use of it. I wanted to help people in need. I wanted to travel the world and explore this planet as much as possible. I wanted to build a life that my family and loved ones, both current and future, would benefit from. I figured I had to start a business, earn enough money and then be able to change the world.
I was so wrong.
2010 began a decade-long lesson in growth that I never asked for but truly needed. Soon after my traumatic ordeal, I was afraid to leave home and I would binge watch E! Entertainment Television and The Food Network. My TV time was late at night after everyone had gone to sleep. This meant that I watched a lot of Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane, and Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. I remember wanting to be a mogul like Kimora, and a travelling chef, like Anthony. Inspired to do more, I chose to create as a form of catharsis. Having been educated in Marketing, Communications, & Hospitality, I picked three ways to create;
- Writing for a travel magazine
- Taking freelance gigs as a graphic designer
- Baking customised cakes in my free time
These three things kept me busy in the comfort of my own home, albeit barely generating enough to cover expenses. Fortunately, my parents had been supporting me, as I was still living with them (it’s common in Asia!).
Through referrals and by creating my own website on Wix, my baking business quickly grew, and in 2014, I was presented with the opportunity to expand it further by opening an actual bakery-cafe.
I was hesitant and afraid of doing it by myself, but a friend wanted in, and with my parents’ support, we opened a little cafe in the middle of town. But then, just two months after we got the keys to our cafe, this friend jumped ship to move away with her girlfriend. I was left to steer the ship and try to stay afloat, and within a year it all sank.
I couldn’t cope with the overheads and the burnout. On top of that, the customised cake market in Singapore became saturated. I will never forget the day I had to move out of the cafe. While waiting for the movers to arrive, all I could think of was the fact that my parents had given me their savings… and it all just went to shit.
Immediately after closing shop, I jumped on the first job I could find — a corporate 9-to-5 as a marketing exec in a clean energy firm.
A Not-So-Sustainable Job in Sustainability
A year into my new corporate life, I began having what I now understand were panic attacks. You see, I was the only person in the marketing and PR team of the company. This is common for SMEs, except that the company was in the scale-up phase, and one person wasn’t enough to handle Social Media, Graphic Design, Branding, PR campaigns and Events Planning — all for a measly three thousand Singapore dollars a month — in an organization where everyone stayed in the office beyond working hours without complaints. I felt worn out, but I also thought that I needed to just deal with it because I needed to cover expenses and pay off debts I’d racked up from the failed bakery-cafe.
One Tuesday morning, out of the blue, I had a “falling” feeling. Somehow, even while being seated, I was losing my balance. I reached out and grabbed my table to try to steady myself. Soon after, I felt my chest starting to tighten. It was getting harder to breathe, and a sharp pain stung me from inside.
I started hyperventilating at my desk, while my ex-boss hosted a meeting in the conference room with some visitors. The glass wall separating the room from the bullpen was frosted along the middle, so you could only see the legs and head of anyone who was standing on either side. My desk was facing the glass wall, which we all had to pass by when walking in and out the front door.
As I tried to catch my breath, a co-worker rushed over to ask what was wrong. I asked him to call an ambulance because my chest was hurting, and then to call my Dad to let him know I was unwell. The next thing I knew, the paramedics were taking me away as I sat upright in a stretcher. Passing the conference room, I locked eyes with my ex-boss who was facing the glass wall, and he just watched from his seat, continuing his meeting like there was nothing to see. It was then that I realised how little I was appreciated at the company. But I didn’t have time to feel upset, my chest was aching, and my head was spinning.
I’m at a place called Vertigo
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Depression. It was new to me and I started getting anxious about being anxious.
What is wrong with me? Why me? How come others don’t have this? Am I weak? I must be… I can't even handle a full-time job!
My psychiatrist told me to stop working for at least three months. He said I had burned myself out so much that my brain literally could not compute. Even though I was so afraid about being mentally ill, I remember being relieved, knowing that I would lose my job. Still, the worst was hardly over…
I had also developed some complications in my womb that cause bleeding, excruciating pain, (additional) anxiety and weight gain. It’s a condition called Adenomyosis, and apparently, I had been living with it a lot longer than I realised.
With the odds stacked against me, I knew that I had to just stop and focus on my health. Just keep swimming, I thought to myself, you’ll find the next thing soon enough.
Over the next two years, I started baking again but also entered into two business partnerships consecutively. I realised too late that the first partner was merely seeking someone for moral support, while the second had been using funds that I helped get, to pay off debts that had nothing to do with me. Needless to say, it was a period of turmoil, and through it all, I kept questioning my self-worth and ability to make good decisions.
Once again I fell into the dark abyss. Between failed partnerships, toxic friendships, PTSD and antidepressants, I could no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel.
On June 9th 2018, I saw an article pop up on my newsfeed about the late Anthony Bourdain, who had taken his life the day before. He was someone I always admired. He had the best job! Travelling, cooking, eating. His story taught me one thing: If he could do it, I could too!
But then, he took his life. He had what I thought was the best job in the world, yet he still took his life. What does that mean for me?
What I thought next ABSOLUTELY scared me.
If he could do it, I could too.
The thought of ending my life, although logically seemed insane, emotionally — felt comforting.
Tormented with thoughts of suicide for a couple of days, my saving grace was a Facebook status that popped up on my iPhone screen. A friend of mine had said that after hearing so much about suicide that year, if anyone needed to talk, “please reach out to me.”
Those five words kept calling out to me. And then, I remembered my promise to myself: that I would share everything in my mind, good or bad, no matter what, with at least one person. So I reached out to her and told her what I‘d been struggling with. She listened and reminded me that there was a way forward. Because of her, I decided to get help, and so I began therapy.
A New Era
By August of 2018, I decided to convert my freelancing gigs in copywriting, graphic design and social media management, into a full-time business. Having already been doing these side-hustles for over a decade, I figured it was time for me to trust myself and take the leap. I still wanted to travel the world and give my parents the life they fully deserve. I still wanted to help people who are most in need. I was still afraid of running a business all by myself, but I set up Anitta B. Media anyway, got a couple of new clients and began hiring freelancers. I got through a slow and rocky start but suffered some backlash in the form of broken friendships. All because my priorities changed from drinking every weekend to adopting more sustainable lifestyle habits.
Some friends couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just get a full-time job. Most of them couldn’t get why it caused me more stress to build someone else’s dreams instead of my own. They couldn’t see beyond having enough money to spend on drinks during the weekend and holiday escapes every few months. They only knew what society taught them — that a stable job, i.e. earning enough to drown your stress and sorrows however you please, is the goal. I, on the other hand, wanted to make sure that my work didn’t give me stress or sorrows, to begin with.
I wanted to build something I could be proud of. I wanted to help others. I wanted to create something my future grandkids could enjoy. I wanted to spend more time with my family. I wanted to make my parents proud. And I wanted to help people who needed it the most. So I just kept swimming, even though I was terrified inside.
Blood, Sweat and Tears
By the beginning of 2019, I had four regular clients and although it was enough to support myself, I was dealing with late payments and a couple of clients kept asking for freebies and discounts. Unfortunately, I live in a country whose buyers’ culture is to pay as little as possible for good-enough quality, so if you couldn’t stick to someone’s budget, you’re gone. There I was with my business, toxic clients, and bills and medical expenses to pay for. I was stuck.
In July 2019, the complications in my womb worsened and I was dealing with heavy bleeding and pain EVERY DAY, non-stop. My gynaecologist gave me meds and I tried all kinds of herb supplements, just to get through the pain and exist. By September, I had been bleeding non-stop for three whole months. I was in constant pain. I would cry almost every night, but I STILL HAD TO WORK. Eventually, I had no choice but to go for a D&C to avoid the risk of developing cancer, or not being able to conceive.
Following the operation, I needed to rest for a whole month and the thought alone gave me so much anxiety. I was going to lose my clients. I was going to be inactive on my Social Media accounts, which I had already started neglecting while helping my clients manage theirs. I was going to have to start from ground zero, ALL OVER AGAIN. I just couldn’t catch a break. Not working for a month meant that I would lose my income. I couldn’t afford that at all! I couldn’t afford to be sick!
Suddenly, all my goals seemed out of reach. I was set back yet again on my path toward helping others in need. I had to figure out how to bounce back quickly after taking a month off.
Do or Do Not, there is no Try
I needed to find a way to rebuild quickly. I needed to get new leads, FAST. I needed to find clients who were ready and willing to pay for the value that I offer. I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t know how to do it. So I spent my “month-off” on a Google quest for a quick way to jumpstart my business.
About halfway through my quest, I realised everything that was wrong with my business model:
- I was selling commodities….services that were ALREADY available in a very saturated market
- I was focusing on what I could do for money, instead of what problems I could solve for others
- I was only selling offline. I was literally missing out on a whole world of markets by not being online!
- I had no proper sales funnel
Everything I needed to do became clear. I studied my pool of past and current clients, and asked myself three key questions — The same three questions I ask all my clients before beginning any project!
- What does my target market need most?
- What have I been making the most money from?
- How have I been adding value to my target audience?
I needed to start practicing what I preach.
Instead of focusing on getting more sales, I had to focus on providing value and solving problems. Instead of just creating for others, I should be creating products and services that could EMPOWER others instead! The money is just the byproduct.
For the first time in my life, everything I learnt in business school made little sense.
Instead of studying people who were most successful, I started studying those who have achieved the most in changing the world. And guess what? They are all successful too! The only difference was that the success… the money… is a byproduct of all the problems they are solving!
Next, I asked myself what I could create to help other entrepreneurs (my target clients) with their businesses. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything! So I decided instead, to learn how to generate leads as quickly and effectively as possible.
I figured I could find people to sell to FIRST, then figure out WHAT to sell LATER.
By the end of my month-long work hiatus, I had done two things:
- I created a social media content calendar that would help me save time while engaging followers
- I devised a plan to build my email list with qualified leads
What came next absolutely blew my mind.
Within a week of launching my email-list-building campaign, I HAD 107 NEW LEADS from all around the globe. Initial shock turned into excitement, which then turned into panic, because WHAT THE HECK WAS I GOING TO SELL THEM NOW?!
It’s funny how we don’t notice the things right under our nose.
Once more with feeling, I took a step back and asked myself:
- What does my target market need most?
- What have I been making the most money from?
- How have I been adding value to my target audience?
But this time, one more question popped into my head…
What have I already done that can benefit my target audience…..?
As I said, the answer was right under my nose:
- I created a social media content calendar that would help ANYONE save time while engaging followers
- I devised a plan to build ANYONE’s email list with qualified leads
I now had 107 new leads, and 2 new products to sell to them.
Oh boy! I couldn’t contain myself!
My name is Anitta B. I am a writer, designer, entrepreneur and affiliate marketer, with a passion for food, music, and art, and a dream of combining all three to change the world. Follow me on Facebook or connect with me on LinkedIn.
