LET GO of whatever you find, baby.
Very often in life, we come across circumstances which push us to stay strong. To hold on and see the storm through. To never never cave under pressure and most importantly, to never give up. And for the majority of those times, we remain unshaken and for all the right reasons. But how much longer until we appreciate the liberation ‘letting go’ has to offer? As noble and obvious a choice it is to persevere for what you want, isn’t it equally (if not more) challenging to lose control over what you once thought meant the world to you? Whether it’s a dream job gone awfully wrong, a friendship turned irreversibly toxic or a relationship that was too good be true to start with, let alone last forever?
As someone who used to cling to the past to an unhealthy quotient, some events that have occurred over the last few years made me sit back and acknowledge how truly transient everything in life is. And as cliche as it sounds, change really is the only constant, constantly reminding us about how stubborn its presence is. And it has applied to every academic “failure” i thought i had at that time which had eventually proved to be a stepping stone, every family member i lost to the welcoming arms of death and every friendship i had imagined to flourish with a lifetime of sunlit memories only to face its demise after a few unanswered texts.
But when it comes to the more irrational matters of the heart, how does one let go? How does one convince oneself that everything one believed in until a day before isn’t true starting the next day? how does that switch operate? And if it does, how does one work it without being tempted to stay switched off forever? Well we don’t have to worry about the technicalities because this switch, doesn’t exist (DAMN). And by that i mean NONE of the things you want to believe, is true. No, the guy whom you wrote poems for until last night couldn’t have been a “jerk” all along. The girl whose face you longed to wake up to every morning forever, suddenly doesn’t turn into a “stone cold bitch” when you want her to. It’s a practiced skill of disillusion. Life doesn’t work that way, love sure as hell doesn’t.
So what IS real? Just about everything. It’s that simple. Everything you felt for and with that person. Every memory you carelessly etched to perfection, every inside joke that took seconds to carve but will evoke an unspoken sense of warmth within you for years to come, every toothy grin in the pictures of the two of you that you oh-so-forcefully got rid of, every “with love” preceding your signatures ending the letters you wrote to each other and every night you went to sleep with the belief that you’d invariably wake up to the voice of that person the next morning, they were all true. They were all real. They happened and weren’t mere figments of your imagination. And THAT is the hardest realisation to process.
However, here is what ISN’T real anymore. That version of the person, the future you had crafted in your head for the two of you, the moments of surreality that once came your way without you asking for them, don’t exist anymore. Your memory of them at this point is more like an aesthetic crystal ball containing frozen glimpses from the past that eventually gets pushed to the back of the shelf once something new and exciting comes along. And that is fine. Because once we realise that what we are clinging on to is in fact never really around for us to seek out anymore, it almost feels like we wasted a ton of time cozying up to to thin air, doesn’t it? after all, why choose to be held back by a gravity of bitterness when we can float around in blissful apathy?
That’s what makes me wonder if people saying “i can’t believe i once saw something in him/her” is just them displaying the classic defence mechanism of shoving a very conspicuous baggage under a very transparent carpet. Of course you know what exactly you saw in them, those reasons just aren’t in your line of vision anymore. But in their defence, it IS much easier to deny the baggage’s existence altogether rather than accepting that it’s time to let go of something seemingly solid..
But isn’t that precisely why you should be relieved? relieved that it’s gone. Relieved that there’s literally nothing left anymore for you to pursue, no prospects of haunting “what if” scenarios, no more burden of having to hold anyone guilty, not even the person you desperately CRAVE to be mad at. Why? Because they themselves aren’t within reach of the version of them you once adored. It’s nothing but a piece of your past you need to make your peace with. That fragment is gone for good to a place pure and serene. That person existed and was as real as they could’ve been at that time. But just like fleeting glances and stolen kisses, they had somewhere else to rush to. And that’s exactly where you’d leave them be. Untouched, Unreckoned, Uncalled.