Change calls for a pen

So net net….this is the latest: I have left my current job, something I professed I would never do and here I am looking to move on to pastures anew.

Not to get shit scared, I still havent figured out what I want. Still in the process of trying things, enjoying them as they come. This is the only time I can do that and heck, I do want to find out what all I am capable of. But this post, specifically, is for explaining my decision to move on. ( or give structure to my ever so scattered thoughts you know.) The reason, is that I have some free time and I can write.

It all began in May of this month, when for the first time the thought of “I cant do it any longer” occurred to me. It was a give-up situation, even if people around me were just doing their job. I was more concerned with doing the right thing, or atleast what I thought was the right thing. One of the clients called me on “needlessly and endlessly defending my ideas”, when I was explaining my reasoning for them. He called me a lot of things, not worth mentioning here, since what affected me most was that my manager was supporting him — rather than defending me — and he did not even allow me to make a case for myself. They were just doing their jobs. Agreed. However, listening to that shit wasnt part of my job and if it was, it was as clear as day that I was in the wrong job. Why would I stay when I no longer feel supported?

Cut to June, I got an offer from guesthouser, talked to my Senior Manager, she wanted me to stay, and looking at her request and her situation, I did.( She wanted me to see how things go in a year and I thought why not). Along with that, we also had a discussion on what all needs to change, with an evergreen line (“we have great plans for you”, big surprise; never heard of them again) and assurances that things will change for good. Primarily, I wanted to get out of the current project, who wouldn’t considering how I was treated as above.

Why am I leaving today? Put simply, it is a combination of unfulfilled promises, alluring desires and boredom. First, I have been supporting the same project for the last four months — the one that I absolutely hated and the same one described above. I have done literally nothing, no learning on any project, and just wasted my time. In chess, I have grown from 1200 to 2000 rating — yep 2 fucking thousand, 300 short of an International Master — in this time playing only in the office. For me, its hard to survive doing nothing, I need that feeling of accomplishment — of I am doing something, making a difference — else I cant sleep fine. Needless to say, I did not liked it and cribbed a lot about the same, but to no avail. We had discussed this in June, I wanted more business oriented role, something that would help me grow/build a profile good enough for an elite B school. Four months of nothing was a huge pit stop in this regard — it completely wrecked my race, pun intended. They told me I was a key resource, and I was sitting there free for four months. Notice the use of they, and not her, because she was less involved in the decision making. Quite clearly, the complexities and capabilities, or lack thereof, of the product would have meant me continuing on the same path for even longer. Naturally, the frustration grew.

During this time, I was again a sitting duck, when the manager again made himself big, by asking me to raise a point in a discussion and needlessly cutting me off in the middle of the same point. I starting neglecting him, since I was done with every other possible solution. He did not like it, told on me, and it led to yet another one-on-one, with him and the aforementioned senior manager.

By this time, I had already decided to move on. Take a role, a responsibility I have never taken before. Start from square one. Again. Challenge myself, as I had been too much in my comfort zone already. Get to a place I had never been to before. I had that feeling where I had already achieved all I can here, and should explore. So applied for the next job and voila landed an interview too.

That interview was scheduled the same day as the one-on-one review. In my mind, that was the day I made the jump. From the known to the wild. Had an interview, it was rescheduled, had the review, got the interview in the middle, completed the review, completed the interview. First the review. Went crazy. I was blamed for not taking initiatives —hello I tried to, but people were like “not your problem”. Which product company survives without a QA? — and being rude — mostly just upfront calling a spade a spade — with no mention of any work on the promises in June. What more, I was about to be pushed to pre-sales, not a business oriented role but yeah a change from the current project. I did not want any of it, had another discussion with the senior manager and botched that up too. I took out all the frustration — never a good sign — and I still dont know how she took it. She was the only one whose opinion I cared for in the office. She said no to most of what I wanted. Between this and the review the previous night, I had given an interview which went well, was virtually offered a role, and hence had a bit of security.

I had also cancelled a trip to Nepal for the company and postponed my vacation for a month with no one to go with then. On the vacation, I gave a lot of time to what I want, got some clarity in my thoughts and decided upon leaving come what may.

Back from vacation, I cleared the final interview and was offered a job. While at the office, I was given an opportunity to go into Business Development, to sell the service to the clients, instead of making demos for others to do it. That complicated the decision. However, I stuck to my decision and resigned.

In hindsight, regardless of how it turns out, I wont regret it. Will write about that some other day. Stay tuned :)