Double Patty,

You have that special courageous, self-confidence found in only one species on our little planet: the red blooded American male.

Last night, when you ordered that double bacon cheeseburger not On the menu, it’s when I knew one day you would rule over your fraternity with an iron fist.

Let me give you a little advice, you precious baby mansplainer. When you order double patties in life, it’s easy to bite off more than you can choose. I know you won’t take this advice to heart and will make similar mistakes with alcohol a thousand times over.

But remember baby cakes, you, me and the Good Lord himself know you’re always going to have trouble finishing.

Love,

Anna