Never say “Yes” if you want to say “No”
Borders are what make us healthier, and relationships stronger. It’s about knowing how to say no if you don’t want something or even if it hurts you. But it gets more complicated when you have to say it to someone close to you, your mum or your friends. Let’s talk about how we can support ourselves and strengthen the intention to say “No”.
Have you ever known what are the real 7 Habits of Highly Effective People?
A joke, of course, but with a good punch of truth: a truly successful person who knows how to voice:
— “No”
— “I can’t make it today,”
— “Not me today”
— “Tomorrow, too”
— “We’ll see”
— “I don’t know for sure”
— “I’ll call you if I can”
It’s good to say no for three reasons at once:
1/ you have a clear understanding of what you want;
2/ you’re aware of other people’s needs;
3/ whether or not you are looking for a compromise without harming yourself.
How to refuse correctly
The Guilty feeling — is the main friend of “agreed to everything”. As if I don’t say yes:
— I offend,
— I’ll lose touch with the person,
— I’ll miss something important,
— I won’t be in context and focus and so on and so on.
But by giving your agreement where you don’t want to give it at all, you enter into an internal conflict and slowly destroy yourself.
Here are some simple advices for doubting persons:
— briefly and clearly state the reason — “I will not go shopping with you, as I want to have rest”;
— outline the negative consequences for yourself — “To get to you, I will have to spend 3 hours in traffic”;
— offer an alternative — “I can’t take your doggie, but I know a pet sitting service.”
— say thanks — “I really appreciate you reaching out to me, but I won’t have time to bake you a cake.”
Here it is important to understand that you are not refusing to communicate, meet or help, but you are clarifying how it can be done without harming yourself. If we were drawing a diagram, your “No” would be at the intersection of three circles:
1/ what I want;
2/ what someone else wants;
3/ something that won’t hurt me;
How to say no to our loved ones
It seems like it’s harder to say no to family and friends, but the principle is really the same. You are looking for something that will suit everyone and will not harm you.
So:
- Monitor your physical feelings in conversation, body never lies. And If you’ve said yes but there’s some discomfort, you’re probably not being completely honest with yourself.
- Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and recognize that feeling guilty after saying “No” is natural. Treat yourself with understanding and compassion as you would a close friend or loved one.
- Remember your reasons for saying “No” in the first place. Think about your values, priorities and limitations. This will reinforce your decision.
- Talk about your feelings. You can openly and honestly say that you find it difficult to voice “No,” that you feel guilty and would not have there to be a misunderstanding.
- Practice self-care: do activities that bring you joy and help you relax. Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by developing a hobby, practicing mindfulness, taking time for sports, or spending time with loved ones who lift your spirits.
Remember that setting boundaries and knowing how to say “No” is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships and taking care of yourself. It’s normal to feel guilty, but with time and practice you will learn how to cope and overcome it.
Hugging you and wishing good luck!
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