Ten O’clock Thoughts

Hey, you. Isn’t it just the most otherworldly thing that I can pull a thought that you’ve had out of your head — for you to read right here? Questions about life, the purpose of it, death, and what exactly dying could feel like? Am I meant to discover the purpose of my life or am I meant to create a purpose that resonates? I know I’m not alone, but just how big is this world? Am I insignificant or extraordinary? Why is it that you and I have the same questions, even though we don’t know each other and could have vastly different lives?

If we knew the answer, would being alive be worth it?

I came across something online today that compared meditating and scrolling (on your phone). One bullet-point for scrolling stated “So stimulating it’s boring.” Now isn’t that just the most insane sentence you’ve ever heard? How can you be so invested in something so interesting that it has become, of all things, boring! Ah, but it happens daily. In fact, today I nearly threw my phone across the room (Note: this is not the first time this feeling has surfaced, but it is one of the few times my phone has stayed in my hand) in the midst of a scroll. Why is it that some days feel alright, and even nice, in regards to this behavior (scrolling), but other days feel…well…

Today I felt like a caged animal in my apartment. I was pacing around, imagining that ripping my hair out of my skull might absolutely feel better than another moment spent with my neck bent, eyes sucked into the white, bright void of my phone. Luckily, for reasons I cannot explain, the pacing turned into an impromptu dance session and I immediately felt better. It’s after moments like this when I wonder how I/we would describe the human experience to an other conscious being. Where would you begin?

What is an urge? It feels as if an idea is pushed into your mind and if you don’t satiate that desire then and then, your head might just explode. How are urges different from thoughts? Who is that little voice reading and annotating these words right now? IS IT ME? An enjoyable question for you — how would you describe the interaction between soul, mind and body? This is my guess. The soul can’t talk, and it’s the only one that moves on from life, right? So the only way it communicates is through a nudge. By a nudge, I mean a kick to the stomach/ass or a paralyzing shudder. Our soul being our intuition and that intuition always being correct. If you don’t head the souls’ advice, it will make sure you do not make that same mistake again. The mind…Always has something to say. Obviously this is very helpful because neither soul nor body utilize language so someone has to carry the dictionary and know how to use it. Unfortunately for our minds, that leaves it the very consuming task of trying to decipher what the rest of us is trying to say. When I visualize this process occurring, it reminds me of the very memorable picture of a hamster on a wheel. I’m convinced this is where all our energy comes from. Last but certainly not least we have our bodies. To put it simply — our body does whatever it wants, and we don’t get a say in what that is. Lots of energy? None? There is no in-between.

I don’t really believe in order or structure. I believe that chaos makes more sense in the scheme of our existence (or maybe it is a giant math equation, and I am not a mathematician in this life). More fun comes from the idea that nothing and everything can be expected all at once (or not!). We can choose to numb this ever-present knowledge that chaos is the driving force of our lives, however not for long and not very well. Back to the idea that it’s “so stimulating it’s boring,” what if our existence itself — simply being alive — is extremely overwhelming and satiating to the point of being full — at any given moment. We have five senses, and each one is ONALL THE TIME. The fact that I am alive right now means that I am taking in and processing data from everything around me, in every possible way I perceive the world. Anyways, this is my hypothesis on why I go stir-crazy every so often. This is why I suspect that people with very little are more happy. It is a natural way of being to be “ON” all the time, however it is not natural the way we have accepted that a screen is a source of information for life.

with love always, S ✦

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