The one after the first one.
Today officially marks 386 days since I published my first medium piece.
I really did not think that I would publish my second one almost after a year. In my mind I always thought of me as a writing person who always gets ideas from everything and everyone around me no matter and I always thought(“always thought”==”in the past 386 days”) I would publish a book and maybe who knows win some award for it. CAUSE I AM A WRITER DARLING A FREAKIN WRITER.
But today everything went down a drain.
Me and my friends were discussing about love languages and with utmost confidence I told them that ‘yeah my love language is words’ and has always been words and then went on to tell how I always sent a page or pages of birthday wishes to my closest friends on their 20th birthday cause I am fancy that way(cause again I am an inborn writer duh) and then out of sheer curiosity and full confidence to prove my point to myself I took a love language test and then ..
proved myself wrong.
Apparently my love language wasn’t words of affirmation or physical touch (which were my top two till then) it was *cue drumroll* acts of service.
acts of service.
Acts Of Service.
ACTS OF SERVICE?
ME OF ALL PEOPLE ACTS OF SERVICE?????
And then it hit me wait it is actually true.
BUT I had never ever admitted that to anyone in my entire life. I hadn’t even admitted it to myself cause I thought all activities as far “that” is concerned would make me a bad person. Cause then it would mean that my one talent which I grew from scratch and which had always been there for me when no one else was wouldn’t be mine anymore.
In the past 386 days ( a year and 21 days) I had said and done things and become a person that the 10 year old me was taught to NOT like EVER TILL I DIE by the 10 year old me herself. Sure the process was tough I was experimenting , getting outside my comfort zones(emotionally , physically , mentally , financially),taking risks all the while figuring my life out (in all three tenses past present and future). It was hard, daunting, exhausting, tough and I felt like giving up SO.MANY.TIMES.
But then I also discovered so many things about me which most of the time made me take a double turn and be like “Really…?You sure about that? Oh you actually enjoy it huh..” or “I feel like you would love it. Nope didn’t see that coming.”
And today was one of those days.
I have been very recently fascinated by the idea of neuroplasticity and how our brains change the way we want them to change and how we can be an expert in anything we do continuously and religiously for 10,000 hours.
What if and I know I am not the first one to flaunt this idea but what if the thoughts we keep on repeating to ourselves and the image we give of ourselves to the world and people around us is something we subconsciously try to hold on to that we repeat to ourselves the same thoughts and ideas over and over again( ‘ten thousand hours’)so much so that we become an expert into “buying” and “believing” into an idea of us that we have sold to others even though in reality that is not us?
Yeah well so am I.
All I am saying is all of us inherently at some part of our lives are scared of change. What if us being scared is stemming from the fact that we want to desperately hold on to an image of us (which even we are not sure is what actually defines us)that we have sold to people around us ? Hence all “what would people think” “what would this person think” and “what would that person think” and all that.
Cause at the end of the idea we don’t want to disappoint anyone.
But what we don’t realize through this process the only person who is getting disappointed is the version of you which remains malcontent.
I feel like I haven’t changed one bit(cause in one way or the other I keep coming back to the concept of “don’t think of others have to think about you”) and the same time I feel like I have changed so much over the course of one year.
Don’t you think that is what life is all about?
The juxtaposition of the concept of change.
Cause of the end of the day everything we do is for us but the last person to ask permission to do this exact thing most time would be us as well.
I know after reading this entire thing you have gone “huh?”. If you have I take it as compliment also welcome to my brain.
So what I am coming to is while taking a plunge in what you want do especially if the thing is scary and so much out of your comfort zone remind yourself something that goes like this “We are going to do something that may or may not be within our comfort zone and we may or may not like it. And that’s completely natural and okay. But one thing we should do matter what is hold on . Even when we feel like the whole world is against what we want to do just hold on and let’s see how far we can hold on okie?”