I Am Publicly Naming My Abuser
Because his violence didn’t start with me, and it won’t end without some accountability
CW: This article contains an account of intimate partner violence that may be triggering for some people. Please take care of yourself as needed.
The time has come to share my experiences of being abused by Michael May of Traveler Fine Furniture while we were in a monogamous romantic relationship from April to December of 2022.
Because I know people will ask, I’ll note the reasons for this timing. I have stayed fairly quiet about my experiences until now due to:
Cognitive dissonance
Fear of victim blaming and retaliation
A desire to remain friends with my abuser (trauma bond)
Self-care and recovery being higher priorities
Being in an intimate partner relationship with Michael was not a loving experience of mutuality and reciprocity. It was a power-submissive dynamic. It was a violence. And I am not the only one.
Michael abused me verbally, emotionally and sexually for the duration of our eight-month relationship. It was psychological warfare. He required constant validation and total submission to his reality. Whenever I sought mutuality or respect, he degraded and punished me.
I hid this from everyone around us. I will not explain why I stayed in the relationship. Until you are in it, you will never understand.
I entered a romantic partnership with Michael as my true self: strong and energetic, confident, open-hearted, happy with my career as a journalist. Just eight months later, I exited as a depleted person: exhausted, deeply confused, disconnected from my work, with more anxiety and insomnia. My nervous system was damaged to the extent that I felt broken and poisoned. This is what abuse does to a person.
It didn’t start with me. I have learned of several other women in Santa Fe who were abused by Michael before he and I met. In addition to repeatedly abusing his intimate partners, he lures and dates women online and in person who do not know about each other. They are everywhere, from New York and Texas to Colorado and Idaho.
Michael is a pathological liar and serial abuser who is surrounded by willing enablers. His violence caused immeasurable harm and chaos throughout Santa Fe, and in Denver, Portland and Tucson before that. If we don’t accept and act on the reality that Michael is a social predator, he will abuse women in the next city too.
Sharing my story
After moving to New Mexico in 2019, I experienced the pandemic in a new city on my own. This was beautiful and very hard. It made me feel isolated and vulnerable, which meant my guard was down when I met Michael.
He was a study in contrasts: cold and cynical with a heavy dose of concerted generosity. I disliked him at first and noticed many red flags in his behavior, but I was impressed with the community he’d built in Santa Fe. Ignoring the red flags is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Michael abused me through a range of control and manipulation strategies that I will do my best to summarize, though there is so much more:
- Idealization (love bombing): Michael gave me excessive attention when we met. I received hundreds of texts, constant praise, poems and playlists, dozens of gifts, and introductions to his closest friends very quickly. He ensured that I would view him as a good guy and an integral part of my life. During this time, he also told me about abuse allegations against him from one ex, but his nonstop praise and gifts made those allegations less alarming. This was an insidious form of manipulation.
- Devaluation: Once we committed to each other, Michael began subtly and privately degrading me through criticism, blame, fear, comparison to others, and withdrawal of affection. It gave him power in our relationship as I scrambled to regain the positive dynamic from the love bombing phase. This is how abusers create a trauma bond that keeps their victims invested in winning back their affection.
- Threats & intimidation: As I navigated a trauma bond by asking Michael about his erratic behavior, he used all his power to shut me down. He shouted at me, gaslighted me, used the silent treatment, and called me names. He threatened to break up with me if I didn’t stop asking so many questions. He nearly hit me in the face one night in his truck when I said his many contradictions were confusing. I saw his body and fists clench and felt afraid for my safety. Instead of hitting me, he screamed so loudly that I consoled him in order to de-escalate and escape.
- Pathological lying: Michael lied to manipulate my perception of him. He was the hero or victim of every story. He lied about his exes’ behavior to blame them and hide his patterns of abuse. He fabricated a story where an ex called him to say that he’s not abusive. He grossly minimized his past lying and cheating, including the time he lured a woman to Santa Fe to date him while he had a live-in girlfriend, resulting in conflict and a civil court case. His lying was rampant, strategic and misleading.
- Sexual exploitation: Because Michael lied and covered up a long history of abuse to get me to date him, all our sexual interactions were coerced. I never would’ve engaged in sex if I knew he’d abused several women while secretly dating many others. He held power over me through deliberate deception paired with persuasion (all the love bombing). I was essentially tricked into feeling safe and having sex with a violent abuser. This was an indefensible violation of my body and mind. Manipulating someone into sex is not consent.
- Triangulation & cheating: Despite being monogamously partnered, I rarely knew where I stood with Michael. There was often a third party in the container of our relationship. He lured women on Instagram and accidentally sent me the messages. He disappeared with my friend while we were all at a concert together and started a relationship they both hid from me. He had a secret relationship with a different woman in New York throughout 2022 & 23. Michael cultivated a sense of betrayal in our partnership that made me feel unsettled and powerless.
- Blame shifting: Whenever I stood up to Michael’s abusive behavior, he quickly shifted the blame to me. He painted a distorted version of reality in which I was reactive, inflexible and controlling for seeking respect. He framed my protests to his disrespect as the problem. Michael fabricated oddly negative stories about my behavior and mental health to discredit and confuse me. He made me think his abuse was my fault.
- Entitlement & control: Relating with Michael was like being ignored and consumed at once. There was very little growth or normal dialogue. He controlled what we discussed via monologues, deflection and contempt. When I tried to bond with him or express myself, he verbally abused me. Our conversations were largely one-sided and extractive as he subtly “trained” me to center him. Michael benefitted from the social contract of a partnership yet refused to honor its mutuality.
- Chaos-making: Michael created chaos in our relationship. He spoke and behaved in ways that were violent and frightening. He was obsessed with the ex who exposed him as an abuser and wanted to run her over with his truck. He frequently started fights with me on our dates. He went on an inappropriate overnight with my roommate that resulted in conflict and cost me thousands of dollars in temporary housing. My life became foggy and chaotic as Michael slowly destabilized everything around me.
- Discarding: When I lost housing and friends as a result of Michael’s triangulation, his verbal abuse increased. He despised my vulnerability after he depleted my social and financial resources. As our relationship failed, he stonewalled me and refused to discuss any resolutions for better or worse. I felt like a hostage for weeks until he finally spewed lies and blame at me and left. We discussed his abuse after the split, where his ongoing lack of remorse for decimating my life was shocking.
This goes far beyond “mean” or “toxic” behavior. There was a proactivity and pattern to Michael’s behavior. He preyed on me with strategic tactics then used his power to systematically deny me a rightful sense of personhood. He did this to many other women before me.
My experiences with Michael amounted to intimate partner violence and narcissistic abuse, an emotionally destructive relationship where one person asserts control and power over another. My ex-partner created a power imbalance where I was not allowed to exist safely or freely.
Michael is fluent in control and power. For anyone still confused about how the abuser-victim dynamic plays out in everyday life, I’ll break it down for you. This scenario actually happened between us:
Victim: Where you do stand with [the person you cheated with]? Have you talked since seeing each other?
Abuser: I don’t remember.
Victim: It’s only been one day. Could you check your phone to remind yourself?
Abuser: I can’t believe you would ask about my texts.
Victim: I’m trying to understand what’s going on.
Abuser: [Shouting] My ex was intrusive and now you’re being just like her.
Victim: I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.
That is DARVO: deflect, attack, and reverse roles. Michael used DARVO many times during our relationship to make me look like the perpetrator of harm instead of him. DARVO is a way of controlling someone. It is also a way of controlling the narrative, both with the victim and their community. It is a form of gaslighting and psychological abuse.
Michael is masterful at turning the tables. The night he nearly hit me for being assertive, I was so afraid that I apologized. Once home, I had a series of low-grade anxiety attacks in my bed until dawn. It was my body’s way of processing the reality that I’d just been threatened into compliance.
Another time, I asked Michael to read bell hooks’ Communion so we could explore the prevalence of male violence in straight relationships. For a solid month, he sent me photos of himself reading the book and expressed excitement to share it. When the time came, we sat down to dinner and he immediately avoided the topic and started a fight. I calmly told him that I wouldn’t tolerate the obvious deflection and left the table.
My punishment for standing up to Michael was severe. The next day, he launched a weeks-long smear campaign where he called me “reactive” and “unpredictable” for leaving the table then watched me cry and apologize. We never discussed the book. Michael had found a way to use feminist literature as a bait-and-switch tactic. Does this kind of bizarre torment seem normal to you? Normal people don’t emotionally torture their partners.
Ultimately, this isn’t about books and text messages. It’s about how Michael never allowed me to feel safe or settled. It’s about the rules of subjugation he forced on me. Whenever I praised and coddled him, we had good times. But when I expressed any level of autonomy, he waged psychological warfare against me. If this sounds horrifying and disordered, that’s because it is.
The disorder behind the abuse
Michael’s pattern of violent and deceptive behavior in our relationship signals the presence of a personality disorder. I cannot provide a diagnosis, but I do have the lived experience as someone who was partnered with Michael to say that I believe he is a narcissist and psychopath.
His behavior is narcissistic at the level of psychopathy — meaning he lacks empathy and remorse and manipulates people en masse. Based on firsthand and witness accounts, I’d estimate that he’s in secret relationships with 3–5 women at any given time, at different stages of the abuse cycle, while luring and grooming others online using a “lonely artist” persona.
Some narcissists are hard to spot because they are not grandiose. They are outwardly humble, self-effacing and generous, a tactic used to lure victims and maintain good standing in the community as they’re secretly abusive. They are developmentally stunted people whose lack of empathy results in profound interpersonal violence and warfare.
Narcissists wear many masks to appear normal. Michael’s latest mask of the lonely artist and reformed abuser is not real. He’s not in therapy to become a better person, he does it to appear safe amid abuse allegations. Narcissists cannot change or develop integrity. He will always be a study in contrasts.
While healthy adults contain multitudes, Michael exists in polar opposites. The good neighbor is a violent boyfriend behind closed doors. There is cruelty beneath the charm. The helper causes so much harm.
The amuser is also an abuser. That’s the frightening reality of his psychopathy.
Psychopaths are notorious for leaving a wake of destruction in their path. They need immense stimulation and tend to engage in risky behavior. You can see this in Michael’s life as he lies, creates conflicts, has many secret relationships, abuses his intimate partners, and cheats and steals. He compulsively seeks the thrill of power, control, cheating, lying, and preying on many women, often simultaneously or in the same group.
Because Michael could not engage with me as a developmentally normal adult, he pulled me down to his level. It was like descending into hell. It was a world of black and white thinking, childish blame and brute force. It felt like being put in my place. It felt like being yanked by my hair down to the ground, again and again. That’s the only way I can describe it.
Emotional abuse goes beyond feelings. There was a massive impact on my body as well. It was like being choked every time he silenced my needs. It was like being slapped when he blamed me for his abusive behavior. It was like losing control of my life and reality. Being with Michael meant living in a pot of water that slowly boiled as my partner turned up the gas.
All told, Michael’s abuse cost me the following: two years of my holy life, a healthy sense of self, several friends, stable housing, countless hours of missed work while I was being abused or recovering, $3,800 in temporary housing, $3,000 for somatic therapy, and $2,500 for a somatic retreat to regulate my nervous system. That is the toll of dating a psychopath.
There are enablers among us
I am a New Yorker. When we see something, we say something. It’s more than an overfamiliar subway ad; it’s a way of life that keeps a community safe. We care about the people around us, even if they’re strangers.
As a compassionate person, I have so many questions for Michael’s friends. How did we get here? Why didn’t anyone warn me? Many of you know that he abuses women, yet no one said anything as he was showing me off. Your support made me feel safe and ultimately enabled him to abuse me as our relationship went on.
Why weren’t the previous abuse allegations enough? How many women must come forward before you say something? Are seven women in Santa Fe enough, or do you need more evidence? Will more women contact you with stories of abuse from Wichita once Michael moves there?
What are women’s bodies worth to you?
In a sense, I understand your loyalty. I know it’s difficult to picture Michael’s violence as he charms you. The first time he screamed at me for asking a question, it shocked me to the core — I honestly didn’t think it was possible. He is very good at creating a false self that appears gentle and long-suffering. This tactic is highly effective in getting others to love him.
But we can love people and hold them accountable at the same time. If there is any justice for me and the many other women Michael abused over the years, it will be through accountability. I don’t need his friends to hate him. I just want people to agree that my life and body are valuable.
I want the people around Michael to believe my story and either stop being his friend or help him stop abusing women. Anything lukewarm makes you culpable in our abuse. Each time you stay silent after knowing about his abuse, you are participating in the harm he inflicts on women.
Talk to your friend. Hold him accountable for the entirety of his impact in the world, not just the behavior that benefits you. He may be less violent if he knows people are watching. Ask him good questions:
Why are you cycling through dozens of relationships across the country?
What is your plan to stop abusing, exploiting and subjugating women?
How can I hold you accountable to becoming a less violent person?
While I don’t believe Michael is capable of changing, we can still focus on harm reduction. You can warn the women he brings around. Tell them about his long history of violence and relational subjugation. Share this article with them. He lies so well it’s possible they won’t be swayed, but at least women will have more information and agency as they date a disordered person.
Consider yourselves, too. Michael lies to you about his past. He smears and discredits his exes while donning the mask of a changed man. None of it is true. You are not in a real friendship; you are in a transaction with a narcissist who uses your support to feel good and appear safe to new victims. You get to decide whether that level of deception is allowed in your life.
Healing through the harm
When I finally learned the truth about Michael’s long history of abusing women before me, one theme broke my heart: many women who’ve dated him feel forever changed by the experience.
Can we sit with that for a moment? Many women who’ve dated him feel forever changed by the experience.
I am changed too. Michael scarred me and stole my innocence, even as a well-traveled 39-year-old woman. Perhaps naively, I didn’t understand that everyday people can be brutal and exploitive in their relationships. Being pursued, consumed and discarded by a social predator left my sacred body in a state of trauma that may take years to fully heal.
Please be sensitive to the fact that I am still healing. It takes a long time to recover from narcissistic abuse. I have lost bright parts of myself. I had to mourn someone who lauded my brilliance and feminism then attacked me for seeking an equal partnership. I have to process an entire relationship of polar opposites. My grief is complicated as hell.
There have been many lessons during my recovery from Michael’s abuse. One of them is that the harm doesn’t stop once you break up with an abuser. The harm continues through anxiety and insomnia. It continues through a fear of victim blaming. The harm continues every time you’re burdened with disclosing their abuse to new friends and lovers.
I’m a resilient woman who’s moved on in many ways, but I still experience Michael’s harm. I feel it in flashbacks. I feel it pounding in my chest when our cars cross on the road. I feel it as intrusive thoughts that cross my mind in the form of his lies and manipulations. I feel the internal and nagging “contamination” of a sexual assault survivor.
I feel Michael’s harm now that he’s dating my friend, the one he lured at the concert and the third woman in the same group he’s become entangled with. I feel it when I realize how much entitlement it takes to trade women’s bodies like commodities.
I have had enough. I am not willing or able to carry the weight of Michael’s abusiveness on my own anymore. It is yours now too, with which to do what feels right. Sharing the burden is vital to my healing.
If you have been misled or abused by Michael May, please leave a comment so we can make the pattern more visible. You can also send me a message to speak privately.
