On March 11, I sat eating lunch with a few kiddos from my class. A few bites into my food, my throat started to feel strange, lumpy almost. The day prior, I had had an allergic reaction to my snack after school, so I started to worry that it was happening again. I texted my teaching partner and within a few minutes, the kids were ushered out of my room, the principal, nurse, secretary, and a couple third grade teachers rushed to my room, and Chris was notified. With 2 Benadryl in me, Chris escorted me home from school.
As many of you know, in January of 2018, just a few short months before my wedding, I became very sick. I was placed on a super restrictive diet and I began reacting to almost every food that went into my mouth. I would get weird rashes all over my body when I ate and this huge lumpy feeling in my throat. It was a terrifying and trying time in my life. Then, in May 2018, just two weeks after our wedding, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Chris and I were dropped straight into the trenches as newlyweds and all we had to cling to was Jesus during that time.
Fast forward a few months, and I started my first teaching job as a third grade teacher at Edgewood Intermediate School. My health started to improve some and I felt a little bit of “normalcy” in my life, despite my still very restrictive diet. My reactions decreased and I was able to focus on my first year of teaching. It was truly a blessing.
As we moved into 2019, my prayer was that I could have a rather uneventful year. After 2018 being a year of changes with student teaching, getting sick, Chris injuring his knee, graduating, getting married, moving, starting my first job, I was craving some calm! And, I was given that. Though there were many learning curves, my first class was an absolute godsend. The families and students in that classroom were so special. The relationships I formed with them are something I will never forget. I tear up thinking about how special they were. Not only was my first year of teaching incredible, but my health remained status quo throughout the year, no major changes. And that, that was a blessing. I was able to breathe and focus on learning how to love others well during 2019.
Fast forward into 2020, and I wasn’t really sure what the year was going to bring. Chris and I both got the word “prayerful” for 2020. We felt this year was going to be a year guided by prayer. We didn’t know all that would entail, but so far, it has definitely been that. Beginning in December/January, Chris started to feel a pull towards Indy for pastoral residencies. The past couple years, he’s started to fall into his calling, he started seminary, and he began to ask God what was next for him. He felt a pastoral residency in Indy may be that next step. If I’m being honest, I tried not to think about it, as I absolutely loved my job. I didn’t have any desire to move. Throughout January, I felt completely torn. As Chris progressed in the interview process for a couple different residency programs, the reality of moving to Indy hit me. Chris and I prayed into our feelings, most definitely split at the time, asking God for discernment. Near the end of January, we went and visited Traders Point, his top residency pick at the time. I remember going into the service with such mixed feelings. On one hand, I wanted to like Traders Point and to have it be a good fit for Chris and myself, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to like it because it would make our decision making process a lot less challenging. We asked God to make it clear to us whether or not this church would be a good fit for us. Well, we walked out of the church both in love with it. At that moment, I knew. I knew God was opening a door. I felt so completely overwhelmed.
The interview process continued for a couple more months. The waiting was so hard, but I think God did it for a reason. I think He knew that it was going to take my heart a while to process the potential of so much change. During the months of waiting, I felt my heart shifting. I started to feel the call there as well. It was not easy by any means, and many tears were shed, but I 100% feel that is where God is calling us. We kept getting confirmation over the next couple months as other doors closed and the Traders Point door opened wide. On March 3rd, Chris was offered the position at Traders Point.
Now, during the time that Chris was going through the interview process at Traders Point, my health started to go a bit haywire again. On February 9, I completely broke down to Chris about everything. People gave testimonies of healing at church that week and my wound of hurt was opened up again. I hadn’t realized that I’d been suppressing my feelings about everything, but I definitely was. The stomach aches, the food allergies, intolerances, skin issues, etc. were just too much. On that day, Chris and I began praying seriously and with fervor for the complete healing of my body. On February 22, my doctor said, “We need to look into other things because you are not healing.” Not something you want to hear. Not that I was surprised, but it most definitely overwhelmed me because it was confirmation that it wasn’t just “all in my head” (which I feel like it is sometimes). My stomach is still a mess, when I try to reintroduce foods it backfires, and many levels in my body are still off.
Now, here I am on March 27, still full of so many questions. The past couple weeks I’ve been battling reactions to foods, yet again, and fear has gripped me. Anxiety has tried to creep its way back in. My first big panic attack since the summer of 2018 returned. I’ve felt overwhelmed. I’ve felt broken. I’ve been hurt. God, where are you? Why, right now? So many questions, so few answers.
I don’t know where you’re at today, but I know that I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed right now. Whether you’re battling your own illness like me, you’re scared of the current situation in our world right now, you’re worried about a love one, or you have too many plates spinning and you feel like one is about to come crashing down, I want you to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I want to take a minute to speak to those of you feeling overwhelmed today.
God did not ever intend for you to walk this road alone. I don’t know where you stand with your belief in Him, but I want you to know, He loves you. He wants to walk through your valleys with you. If you have questions or doubts, I’d love to talk to you. I’d love to share with you what He has done in my life. This life is too hard to navigate alone, so no need to try. Release it to Jesus and He will bear the burden you were never meant to carry alone. I don’t promise that it will be easy, and neither does Jesus, but He does promise it will be worth it.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” -Psalm 23: 4