Shiver

Shiver.

That’s the word that’s been on the tip of your tongue.

It’s so cold that you can’t think straight, your body is tired from all the…shivering.

Tears bleed out of the corner of your eyes. You briefly remember reading about how every time we blink, tears spread across the surface of the eye, moistening them, cleaning out dust particles — and when your eyes react to cold, dry air, it causes that film to evaporate faster, forcing your eyes to produce more tears.

You shake your head, instantly regretting it as your head pounds in protest at the sudden movement.

You get so easily lost in thought and now is not the time.

You ran out of there in a temper, you’re aware of that. But you couldn’t listen to another word.

What you should have done was calm down. You should have taken deep, calming breaths, counted to ten or something other than running.

But you were frustrated. Why couldn’t you just get the words out? You wanted to explain, help them understand what’s been going on in your head, but it’s so difficult.

You should go back, they will start to worry.

But you’re angry still.

Are you angry at them?

They didn’t really say anything wrong, did they? they just wanted to know why.

You’re angry at yourself, angry for always being so nervous, so afraid, so hesitant.

You’re so tired. You’re so over this, you’re so done.

Except…you’re not done.

No. There is more to this story yet.

Yes, some days can feel unbearable, you want to claw and scream and…run away.

But some days, some days, it’s not as bad as the day before. Even if the next day is worse, there was that breather, that moment that was lighter than before…or after.

Hold on to that moment, that hour, that day, that minute, that second. Hold on to it, learn it, absorb it, taste it, savour it and fight for it.

You deserve more of those seconds, they are yours, you can claim them, you can have them.

You are worthy.

Go home.

Go at your own pace.

Take it a day at a time.

Gain seconds, gain minutes, moments, hours, days and a lifetime of warmth.

You don’t have to shiver.