But I’m not an atheist…

This morning in preperation for yet another Christmas morning I sit with a cup of coffee letting the sounds of pianos and organs fill my home with the Christmas spirit. Looking around my perfect little house with my dog beside me, I am feeling full and warm under the light of our glowing Christmas tree. Suddenly I am overcome with praise, I can feel God’s presence all around me blessing this life I have built…but wait I don’t believe in God, right?

This is where I always pause to re-assess my beliefs, which I seem to do quite a lot recently. Unlike most it seems, it is when I am the HAPPIEST that I find myself missing prayer. In my darkest hours I could care less about praying because I know in my heart that it won’t fill my stomach or get my lights turned back on. I have lived my whole life praying but I learned quickly that if it isn’t backed up with action than you go hungry in the dark, but when life looks bright I want to praise Him! It is however, not that easy. You can not believe in God one way and not the other, and how weird is it to only praise him when things are going good? This is the point where I start to remember how my life feels when I claim the God of the bible as my own, and how one of the biggest reasons my life is looking so bright now is because I distanced myself from that life and I remember why I do not call myself a Christian.

So here I am; I know that with happiness brings this overwhelming sense of humble praise, and I know that there are aspects of religion that I deeply miss and crave. I longed to be at a candle light service on my Christmas eve birthday because that is where I feel wrapped in peace and love but as soon as I remember the words that fuel the service I have to walk away. There are many good things about the bible, but there are many more that can not be applied today. My personal belief is that the bible can not hold up to society’s ever changing flow because either people can no longer interpret it the way “God” intended or that is a God I do not want to worship. If God can not find a way to bring peace to his people than I think it is possible he has changed methods of communication. I am an in-between believer. I can not believe nothing. I can not feel how I feel and say that there is no light in this world. No spirit. But I can’t claim the God of the bible as my God, and is that enough?

I’m not sure that there was any other point to this blog than to reach out to those in my position. The “maybe”, “sorta” and “in-between” believers. The ones that crave that relationship with a spiritual world of love and peace but do not feel connected to the religions we have. The ones that hope it is enough for their families and friends that they believe something, but not everything. It’s a weird and tangled road to follow. You’re not alone.