The Finest
“If someone asks you how you are, you are meant to say FINE. You are not meant to say that you cried yourself to sleep last night because you hadn’t spoken to another person for two consecutive days. FINE is what you say.” — Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman.
I, for many times, did not make it. But everything will be fine, so they say and that made me survive since the 6th of July 2004. That’s 6, 658 days and counting as of writing this essay.
Even if you hadn’t spoken to anyone in days. Even if you had tasks that seemed to never end. Even if you were exhausted and could hardly move. Even if you cried yourself to sleep because that’s how you cope. Even if you had given up hope. When someone asks how you’re doing, you always say, “I’m fine.” You’re barely hanging on by a thread, but you’re fine more or less.
Fine is a word that doesn’t carry any weight. It is a meaningless adjective. It’s not great, but it’s also not terrible. Some might say it’s impartial, fair, and balanced — just right. But, if you ask me, I believe fine means empty — devoid of meaning. A response that implies one is responding out of obligation rather than enthusiasm.
However, words are truly fascinating things. Their meaning can shift depending on nuance, volume, tone, emotions, or intent. Angrily, happily, or sadly, say “fine.” Isn’t it still the same word? Yet, each time, you feel different, and then somehow being fine feels just right, and it suffices for the other 599,999 documented words in the Oxford English Dictionary.
I’m doing fine, despite having failed so many times that I didn’t bother counting past 100. Hence, let’s call this mistake my “nth” one. If it became a living, breathing creature, I imagine it would be substantial, massive, and powerful enough to slaughter a thousand little me. The nth one is like hell on my Earth. If we compare it to Greek mythology, it would be Cerberus, the multi-headed hound of Hades who guards the gates of the Underworld. Cerberus would be nth, and my Underworld would be the ghosts of my failures. But no matter how badly I want to forget nth, no matter how badly I want to turn back time — which I can’t — I need to accept and face it.
Fear paralyzed me and prevented me from making critical life decisions. It was a painful cycle of moping and regrets. I was afraid of failing, so I avoided taking risks. But without trying, I can’t make progress, either.
Therefore, I realized that I’m totally fine with nth being constantly present in my life. What was once a foe, is now my friend. During hardships, nth taught me to build grit and resilience. It forced me to burst that comfort bubble of mine and step a little bit farther. Then maybe, nth could mean “nothing” because there’s not-a-thing I’m afraid of anymore.
I’m doing completely fine, even though I’ve failed some exams and lost in competitions. That’s because I know nth won’t be the last in the series, and everything after that will teach me something valuable. I know that this journey of mine is still a work in progress, and I can do better in the long run.
These things have empowered me to not only test the waters but also to dive into oceans of uncertainty. I would then remind myself that even if there are things, I can’t keep a grasp on, I must be brave — always, in all ways.
So yes, I’m Anna and I’m doing just fine all while pursuing great things. How about you?