I Am Part of the Bigly Trump Administration Inside the Disgraceful Resistance

I work for the president, who a bunch of disgusting losers have vowed to thwart parts of his agenda and they don’t even have the guts to say it to his face so let me just tell you that he is nobly soldiering on, okay? Like a soldier. Like a troop. Our troops. Soldiering on. Okay.
Sept. 6, 2018
The Times today is taking the rare step — again — of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a hithero-unknown senior official in the Trump administration writing under the name of ‘John Barron’ and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers. We invite you to submit a question about the essay or our vetting process here.
Okay, so President Trump — who, by the way, is very handsome and not at all like an orange baboon like some have said, James Mattis— is, like that gutless liar in the other article said in their article that everyone knows is full of lies and by the way is very badly written, facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern American leader. Everyone knows that. Lots of people tell me that.
I mean him. Lots of people tell him that. The president. Okay.
It’s not just that the special counsel is a total sham and witch hunt. Or that Robert Mueller’s jawline makes people want to curl up under it for safety, like they would under a cedar veranda to escape a downpour of acid rain. (I heard he has implants.) Or that some people who shall remain KELLYANNE can’t seem to figure out that they need to have the camera lights turned up really bright when they’re saying nice things about the president on TV because otherwise they look like they’ve been on a three-day bender in the desert and got lost after a wind storm. Nobody cares about your retinas, Kellyanne. TV time is more important. Okay, moving on.
The dilemma — which the loser who wrote this does not even fully grasp because they didn’t go to Wharton and they don’t have Donald’s huge amazing beautiful brain and genetics, so there — is that many of the senior officials, the loyal ones, folks, the real deal, believe me, and, and so they are working diligently around the clock to enact this president’s agenda.
I would know. I am one of them.
A punishing schedule this president is keeping, folks. Waking up before noon. (In a house that other people lived in previously, can you believe it. It’s disgusting!) Hunkering down with really important and famous people, some of whose names you don’t even know. Putting in a solid three hours every day for four days every week to guide and protect this country from everyone not named Trump. That’s, what, ten hours a week? It’s almost enough to make me, John Miller, shed tears of sorrow, folks.
But the President does not cry. No, sir. He especially doesn’t burst into hot, angry tears with snot running from his nose, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably, when General Kelly stands over him shouting praise for his agenda into his face and telling him what a great job he’s doing and how he is not at all an idiot.
Therefore, I, John Baron, also do not cry. See how that works? That’s called loyalty. You should try it some time, WILBUR ROSS.
The root of the problem, as always, is Crooked Hillary and Obama. And the Mexicans. And the Democrats. And Nancy Pelosi. And John McCain’s funeral. And the fake media. And the separation of powers. And the emoluments clause. And laws about not dating your daughter. And Jeff Sessions, who should go back to making cookies inside that tree factory of his. And having to live in a house that other people have lived in before you. And the paintings of past presidents on the walls inside it which judge you when you walk underneath them in your bathrobe late at night, haunted by dreams of your father telling you what a failure you are.
Especially that one portrait of Theodore Roosevelt. You know the one I’m talking about.
In closing, this president is very tough, and very strong, and in the best physical and mental health of any president in the history of ever, and has a great sex life with his 100%-legally-married wife who he loves very much, and he definitely knows all his kids’ names. And his staff all love him and think he’s totally cool and think he should be upgraded to three scoops of ice cream for dessert instead of just two. (Mike Pence still just gets one, though.)
I, David Dennison, swear this.
God bless our troops, and God bless America.