Should Adoption Be Abolished?

This extremist view has a legit back story

Recently, I joined an online Facebook group called “Adoption Sucks.” I wanted to get some timely inside scoop on the recommended rationale for eliminating the only hope that some have for a family.

Abolishing adoption may be a bit over the top, but the mere thought of doing away with it will help to sharpen our focus for improvement.

Adoption has been mischaracterized for years.

The entertainment world has perpetuated the myth of adoption with stories like “Annie” and many other adorable orphans. The examples are endless — each with the message that a shiny new place to live is the simple solution to creating a family.

All adoptions begin with trauma. As an adoptive parent, I did not immediately recognize the trauma triggered by the primal wound. When hearing the news of our adoption, friends and family remarked “she’s so lucky to have you as her family.” I bought into this line of thinking for years.

We adopted our daughter at age seven from Mexico and it took me too long to acknowledge that her behavior was the result of trauma.

More accurately, she experienced trauma many times over in leaving her native country. One day she went to sleep in the beautiful town of Cuernavaca, home to all of her childhood memories. The next day, she lived in suburban Philadelphia in a new house full of strangers.

She was so wanted and so loved, but even a loving family cannot take away the pain of adoption trauma.

My daughter lost her language, culture, tastes, smells, as well as her caregivers. She cried for months. Over the years, her resilience has amazed me. We knew it was important to maintain the relationships formed in Mexico. This has made a difference in her life and how she views her adoption. The cultural roots of adopted children must be preserved and celebrated.

The rants against adoption continue to cite the same issues. We can do better to improve by considering the following:

Biological and/or cultural connections are precious and are often minimized or overlooked. When possible, biological ties should be preserved. If there are any extended family members, those connections should be fully explored, pertinent medical information recorded and available to the adoptee.

Denying children critical information about their health is just wrong. Kiddos are left wondering about crucial medical history.

Birth certificates should be made available to adoptees. My home state of Pennsylvania changed the law to allow adoptees access (with some restrictions) to birth certificates in 2017. Unrestricted access to a birth certificate is rare. I have read about adoptees in their 60's and 70's who have never seen their birth certificate.

The fees charged for adoption services are extreme and out of range for most families. Decisions should be made in the best interest of the child and not just for those who can afford adoption services. The for-profit model should not apply to an adoption agency.

Open adoption arrangement that suits both parties must be maintained when possible. The mental and emotional health benefits of an open adoption are well known. When possible, an open adoption arrangement that suits both parties must be maintained.

Parents — whether biological or adoptive — can indeed “suck.” Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Adoptive parents actively choose that route, so when their parenting is terrible, it’s a travesty. That’s why I am so passionate about the unique mission of my children’s stories. What better way to engage in a conversation about trauma than with the help of a kid’s picture book?

If I can reach one parent who will acknowledge trauma and initiate that discussion, I will be ecstatic. To explore an adopted child’s thoughts about his/her first family must not be viewed as a slight by the adoptive family. Adoptees should feel free to question and delve into their birth stories just as biological children do.

I am often asked about the advice I would give to those considering adoption. My answers are first, seek out other adoptive families. Get the facts about their process. What were their hurdles, current problems and solutions? Build a supportive community.

Second, do your research. There are so many resources in the form of books, articles, support groups, and even adoption coaches. Become familiar with adoption theories and best practices.

Finally, seek professional help. Even before adopting, examine the reasons behind your desire for a family. After adoption, find a therapist who specializes in adoption. As our daughter grew and family issues shifted, we would look into what would be the best resource for her. I wanted to provide a space for her to speak to someone else — when she would not speak to me.

So — NO! I don’t think adoption should be abolished. However, the system should be overhauled top to bottom with children at the center of everything.

Awareness begins at the local level. If considering adoption, check your state laws and agencies in your area for specifics around these issues.

Adoptive families must be brutally honest about the importance of children knowing where they came from, who they look like and how their story began.

Anna Maria DiDio is a writer and children’s author whose memoir and adoption-themed children’s books can be found on her Amazon author page.