#ThankYouForNotBeingAfraid (translated from Russian)
(Translator’s note) This article was published by my friend Alexey Ezhikov, originally in Russian, as a response to the movement that started in Russian and Ukrainian Facebook segment with the hashtag #IAmNotAfraidToSpeakUp. Regular women, like myself, would tell their stories of facing and surviving abuse. It was powerful, scary, and very necessary.
The fact that this article was written by a man (and a Russian man. mind you) and laid out all the arguments so gracefully and clearly, completely blew me away. Well, he’s an exceptionally smart man, but still. As a woman, I needed this — because I know that a man’s voice is louder and will probably reach more ears. I translated it because it’s one of the best texts I’ve read on the topic. Please share the original or this translation— especially if you’re a man. You’ll be heard, and we need you and your friends to join the discussion.
#ThankYouForNotBeingAfraid
On June 5th 2016 Ukrainian and Russian segment of Facebook started a flashmob titled #IAmNotAfraidToSpeakUp (#яНеБоюсьСказать), and it was since picked up by all sorts of media.
Different women (including my friends) are sharing their stories of violence from men. Rape, exhibitionism, physical abuse…
It’s not some “f***ed up feminists” or journalists trying to blow it out of proportion — it’s regular girls and women, your friends, classmates and colleagues. A lot of them. Here are some links (in Russian) in case you’re too lazy to look.
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They are talking to each other about this, and then they are talking to us — to men. The topic of this flashmob is very painful for the participants, and at the same time it is very scary for men because for whatever reason some of them link it with radical feminism.
Dear ladies, thank you for being so brave. What you’re doing is huge.
It hurts reading the words of those who described their experience, and it hurts even more thinking about those who could not get themselves to write about theirs. I am embarrassed by the way some men reacted. I’m embarrassed by the male mentality and by the Russian mentality — by our inability to hear each other and be compassionate.
And I am extremely sorry that in the last twenty years I probably did not know better and hurt somebody like that as well.
After reading some comments and guessing that there will be further shitstorm in the comment section I decided to write this post just so I can give people a link to it without having to repeat the same argument over and over. Maybe some of you could use it the same way, too. Therefore it is possible that this article will be extended with time.
What men feel
A man sees several stories about violence towards women in his friend feed. Given that these stories are written by his friends or his friends’ friends, this man can probably experience one of the following emotions:
This list is not complete, I’m not talking about personal compassion for the victims of violence. I’m talking about cautious and negative perception of the systematic problem of men in general being violent towards women in general. This is the perception I have encountered when talking to other men.
· Fear or disgust, because it’s so close to home but he does not want to face the problem.
· Fear or anger, because he feels that he is the one being accused.
· Fear or anger, because he feels that his privileges based on power and influence might be taken away.
That’s right guys, despite several arguments (that I’m about to address below) we are way more privileged in this culture of patriarchy than women are.
Bro, please overcome your disgust and read to the end.
I’m not pro-feminist, I’m your regular white cis-gender man who takes advantage of those privileges just like you do. Feminism is not my war, it would have been a war of bees against honey.
How men react
A man is not aware enough to find a name for his emotions, so he starts rationalizing in one of the following ways. I’ll give you examples of each one of those rationalization types later.
· Escaping the problem. First sign that a man is affected is him leaving a comment that it’s none of his business instead of simply ignoring the post.
· Devaluating personal experiences. I think it’s one of the most horrifying means of rationalization. One of the reasons is that it’s ingrained into Russian culture. We are only good at being compassionate to people that are not close to us, and it’s something we need to overcome.
· Generalization. Nice smart try, guys. But it won’t work because it’s navigating us away from a very concrete topic of discussion. In turn, generalization leads to devaluating personal experiences.
· Irrelevant mirroring. This try is also nice but not as smart, it resembles trolling. All the arguments here are boiling down to “well, women also…”. It won’t work because our patriarchy culture is based on violence and objectification of women by men, and not the other way around.
How men express their reaction and why it is wrong
And now let’s look at several comments some men left under the flashmob posts.
It’s the victims’ fault
This equals escaping the problem altogether. This argument shares the first place of the most terrible arguments with “How is this even a trauma”. It’s also called victim blaming.
“Well maybe she should not have worn shorts that are shorter than her panties”
Guys, women can do whatever they want with their bodies: tattoo it, pierce it, decorate it, not shave it, wear cleavage, wear short skirts or leggings, sleep with as many men and women as they want, drink til they pass out in a bar. None of this means that this woman owes him sex.
“Why did she take this unlit street”, “why did she wear this”, “why didn’t she cry for help” — this is all victim blaming. It is always the rapist’s / criminal’s fault. Even if he “didn’t know what he was doing”, even if “everybody’s doing it”, even if “she agreed”.
Oh come on, how is this even a trauma?
«Oh come on so what if he touched you, you’re not made of sugar, you won’t melt”. Guys, this is the worst thing you can possibly do — you are devaluing somebody’s personal experience. Not just that of women — that of anyone.
Yes, it is trauma. If a woman perceives an experience as traumatic she has every right to do so. Just like you have the right to perceive and live your own experience.
Everybody is so traumatized that the whole society suffers from victim complex.
This is your usual next step in this argument. Generalization. Wait a second, a lot of women had this traumatic experience when they were little, before “feminists got inside their heads”. It’s your attempt to close your eyes and disregard the problem.
Taking it into political field
I was completely stunned by how some of you took this flashmob into political field. “The government has been raping me for 25 years”. What the hell is wrong with you, people?
This is a conversation about international issue of violence towards women, regardless their political preferences.
This is another kind of generalizing. You’re trying to close your eyes and disregard the problem.
They need to learn how to protect themselves.
Nice shot at devaluing their personal experience, but no. Every woman is entitled to their right to safety. You need to fight crime not the lack of victim’s martial arts skills.
This argument is also a step away from “it’s all the victim’s fault” because they haven’t taken time in advance to learn how to protect themselves.
I’m not a rapist, why do they post it in my nice and fuzzy friendfeed?
Are you sure that you have never “pushed” and “coerced” a girl into having sex with you even if she didn’t really want you at that particular time? That you haven’t touched girls in high school? That you haven’t referred to the girls who have had their first sexual experience as whores who will sleep with just about anyone?
Yes, most of us have not been arraigned. But there’s a but.
You’re trying to escape the problem, bro. You’re the product of your culture. You were raised by your parents and your society who, in turn, were raised by their parents and their society, and they are all patriarchal. They tell you what “real women” and “real men” should be like. So those old small-town gossipers you’re laughing at — you’re just like them.
Women are facing a systematic problem — and you’re a part of it because you’re a part of the system of patriarchal oppression of women.
Day after day you’re making sexist jokes and therefore are contributing to the status quo. I’m ashamed to admit I’ve been doing the same until very recently.
There are plenty of situations when we don’t even think that we’re hurting these traumatized women — and there is a lot of them, even if we’re not talking direct abuse.
“Why would I spend the time of day thinking about your imaginary traumatized chicks?”
First of all, this flashmob shows you they are very real and there are plenty among the people you know. Second of all, you are probably subconsciously devaluing their experience. If not, you’re an incredibly cruel person. Admit it to yourself and learn to live with it.
Men get raped too / Rape has no gender
It’s one of the favorite mirroring tactics among those men who feel uncomfortable pondering the problem.
Bro, sexual abuse is performed by a privileged group (men) against less privileged (women). I wrote above that this is a systematic problem. Think about it: men get raped as a result of patriarchal oppression system.
Since you were a child your parents and your society taught you oppression. You’re used to it and you believe that this is how things should be. That’s why a man must be strong, he is not allowed to cry, he must know how to protect himself and his relatives. You’re probably now coming up with all those arguments about biology and ethology, mammoth hunting, childbearing and protecting your offsprings. OK, maybe patriarchy is a result of our biological disposition. However, we evolved quite a bit since then. Two thousand years ago the Old Testament’s “eye for an eye” was replaced by the new rule of ethics, “do unto others as you would have them do to you”.
TLDR, abuse against men is not a reason to generalize. We are discussing a different problem, please pay attention to it.
These feminists are blowing everything out of proportion, every man is a criminal to them.
Generalization. A lot of women who came forward and wrote about their experience live normal lives. You look at the most active and outspoken women who make fighting the patriarchal status quo their life goal. They set the wheels in motion. They make it possible for all the regular women you know to help you open your eyes and show you their traumatic experience.
And yes, they have every right to do so.
This is all bullshit, statistics says that only **** women get raped every year.
Statistics is a rational combo: escaping the problem, generalizing and devaluing personal experience. You can also recall expressions like “one death is a tragedy, a million deaths is statistics”.
But let’s face it- you’re simply shying away from the problem. You can just follow the hashtag and read all the stories that legally might not be qualified as rape, yet they deeply hurt women. There is a lot of those women around you, but patriarchy makes them keep quiet, it makes them think that something’s wrong with them.
Listen to these stories, they mean so much more than any official statistics.
Women are doing just fine, they are bossing men around and live 10 years longer.
Same emotional combo: escaping the problem, generalizing and devaluing personal experience. Not every woman is doing fine and not every woman is bossing men around.
I’ll repeat — a lot of women around you have been traumatized and are afraid to talk about it. You support this silent acceptance of violence in the society because you face less risks. You are trying to hide from this particular problem.
If you have a girlfriend, a wife, sisters, daughters, a mother — give them a hug next time you see them. Remember that you’re trying to hide from THEIR problem.
Important P.S: “What can I do?”
· Don’t close your eyes anymore. Pay attention to the problem of systematic oppression of women by men, and admit that you and your loved ones suffer from it, too.
· Take a look around. You meet women all the time — at home, in the street, in the coffee shop, at work. Look at each one of them and imagine that she has had this experience you read about online in her life.
· Don’t make jokes about female sexuality that might be traumatizing. Like those about the size of somebody’s boobs, about how a woman should know her place etc. It does not mean your boundaries are taken away. Start respecting other people’s boundaries.
· If you’re alone in the same place or in the same dark street with a woman you haven’t met before it’s highly likely that she’s had traumatizing experience. It might be a bad idea to try and introduce yourself to a pretty girl in the elevator at 1 A.M. when you’re wasted.
· Try to not devalue other person’s personal experience, both women’s and men’s. If something happened and they feel a certain way about it, they have every right to feel that way. You have no idea what to was like to live through that experience, being that person in that time and place.
· If you have children or you plan to have them, read up on how to speak with your kids about abuse.
· If you want to do something more, support a charity that helps fight abuse. Donate, tell somebody about it, repost their info…