Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist…..and after

A question yesterday made me think about this topic, so I decided to address it.

“He’s always in my thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t go on like this.” “He is still abusive. I need help. I’m losing my mind.” These are the types of things people tell me even after they have left or decided to leave a toxic relationship. Narcissists leave chaos wherever they go: panic, anxiety attacks, fear, a sense of dread or helplessness are the gifts they give. Not many understand what you have been through and it can be lonely journey.

Maybe he or she really is physically gone. But you are left with the remains of a shattered life or someone who won’t stop stalking you emotionally. He — or she — continues to call, email and remind you how useless and no good you are. And you think about this constantly — over and over your mind is filled with thoughts of what has been done to you. This is rumination. Think of the thoughts as planes circling an airport then remember this: “It’s time to land those planes.”


Your narcissist will not change but you can. It may take a while but he does not have to take up space in your head.

Imagine you have teflon clothes. Put them on and let the abuse bounce off you. Grab the pain before it strikes: “Oh, here comes lies and accusations from him. I can handle it if I can see it and boy, do I see it.” This is not something you say to the one bothering you; this is something you say to yourself. This is self talk for self preservation. Choose your words carefully.Self talk is your way out of the chaos and hurt. You’ve been through trauma and you need to do what you need to do to heal. Label the abuse — it defuses its strength. But remember: don’t engage in a fight even as you get stronger. This will set things back.

This is a quote from Linda Martinez-Lewis Ph.D. -“Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don’t have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their lives without shame or regret.”

Many, many of you have been through this and are hurting. Some of you are hurt in other ways.


That’s the title of an ebook that just dives right in to the narcissist’s world and then shows you how to get out and explaining such things as:

  1. Why any argument with him always leads to him being the ‘damaged party ‘ and you feeling beaten without ever having even opened your mouth
  2. Why, even after you have left him, you still hurt instead of feeling good
  3. Why he hates everything you like — from your music preference to your friends and pets
  4. Why he disagrees with any of your choices, opinions, or beliefs
  5. How he truly feels about you, and why it matters to you so much. I can’t recommend this enough if the number of recent emails from people asking for specific strategies is any indication of the amount of need out there.

If you need to get out of misery — to thrive and survive — some have been helped by technique laden info like Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist

Or, find a friend who can listen and advise strategically, or write, or search the Internet for others who have been down the path and have wisdom to share. The damage from the abuse lessens the more you do to strengthen your core. Just like in physical training, the core is the source of strength.

It is an unfortunate fact that abuse wears you down but over time the brain rewires itself. You may be the scapegoat, the gaslighting victim but there is no point in revisiting misery when others have been there and left that cosmos and can show you how to get out. Read books, engage in forums — do what works for you personally. It will not be the same for all. There is an other side and it is sometimes hard to get there but you aren’t as stuck as he is. You aren’t the pathological.

Originally published at on October 16, 2013.