Double Happiness | 喜喜 | two
Double Happiness (喜喜) is a Chinese symbol of marriage which means “Joy”. Chinese people still believe inthe old myth, “if they put this ‘囍’ sign on their wedding decoration, they will be blessed for a happy life”. But some people always assume the meaning of Double Happiness is for love that is equal. Like when you are accidentally falling in love with someone, and that someone is actually feeling the same as you do. Like there is some kind of a connection, an invisible bond, that somehow pull you into someone’s life. Look at the symbol, there are two same symbols. One represents the girl and the other one represents the guy. The image of the two lovebirds standing next to each other, and imagine an aisle around them, with a beautiful white gown made of pure silk wraps up tight the girl’s body. And a perfect black and white suit, with a red bow tie like a butterfly ready to fly on the man’s collar neck. The joy of being in love. To fall in love and be loved. The love that is equal. The love that is pure.
Everything has changed. It came so sudden, like the wind blows out a birthday candle in someone’s backyard. One day you cared, the next day you turned out to be so aloof. Do not be so infatuated with just one specific object, or subject, because this whole world is yours to discover something new and unique. Think out of the box.
Time is always something that matters. Time is the only barrier between thoughts and hearts. Time is the only reason which brought beginnings to endings. Time is a bliss, time is an anguish, it is everything.
Sometimes, she thinks almost everything at a time. Her mind was strewn.
“Why are you holding on?”
“Because…” she doubted herself.
“Why can’t you stop hurting yourself?”
“Because I have no other way!” she was half screaming.
“Why don’t you try for once to ignore the lies?”
“Because…” she paused to think for any logic reason.
“Why are you so hard on yourself?”
“Because…” she clenched both her palms into fists.
“Why? Tell us why!”
“BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW, OKAY?!” she roared like a lioness. She hated them for asking ‘why’ and she hated herself for not knowing the answers.
“Stop asking me why!” she bumped her fists to the wall beside her. “Stop asking me like I have the answers for every of your ‘why’ questions!
I don’t know why I am still holding on even though I’m hurt. I don’t know why I can’t seem to stop hurting myself for loving someone. I’m not sure why I keep presuming his idiocy. And I am stupid for being so hard on myself but not to anybody else. So stop asking me why!”
She felt so disintegrated, so distressed by the people who care so much about her. And sometimes what she wanted was just to be left alone. When it comes to the matter of heart and mind, she never listens to anyone, she does not trust anybody but her own voice inside her head. And even that leads her to every wrong choice, even to the regrets that she would never forget.
The night where she left him in a raucous moment inside the wooden house she hasn’t returned to for almost a week, caused them for breaking apart. The reason why they would never allow each other to step outside without holding hands, is now happening. She does not return his phone calls, never replies his texts or any of his chats, she avoids his eye contacts whenever they talk, she even talks just to answer his questions and never asks back. It has been a week, but neither of them talked about it. But it was the night when she did not answer the phone, presumably he was calling from the back of her side. She was just staring at the luminous screen while sitting in the bench by herself outside the wooden house she shares with him, facing to the frozen lake in front of their small gateway, letting the snowflakes melted in her hair. He walked slowly to her, without making any sound in the snow. He kept the phone on dial, and she kept staring blankly on her screen.
“Who’s that calling you?” he asked with the softest voice of his.
“You…” she answered without even looking up.
“Why aren’t you answering my phone call?” she could hear that he was hurt.
She touched the green button and put the phone to her left ear. “Hi…” she said to the line.
He put the phone in his pocket and walked away from her.
She gritted her teeth and braced herself to stand up. Her body was already frozen, and it made her blind for a moment.
“So this time you’re the one who’s walking away, huh?” she screamed because he was already half the way out of the road.
He stopped, starring at his shoes.
“I’m not walking away.” He turned around. His eyes were pink or more peachy red.
“Then, where are you going?” she stared into his eyes. They both locked sight in each other’s eyes.
“Home.” He answered without hesitating.
“This is your home…” she pointed to the wooden house.
They both bought it last year from their own savings. They met a month before, they fell in love in just a blink, and decided to have a secret getaway place far away from the city. In their short trip from school, they found this place secretly. And turned out, the wooden house was for sale. At first, it was a bit skeptical to sell a hidden house near the lake, far away from the city. But after they had a long talk with the man who used to live there, they interested to buy. They were told that the wooden house was built by the man himself for his dying wife who suffered from a disease they never asked (they feared it would just break that lonely man’s heart), he said that he wanted to make her wife happy. He wanted to have time for only both of them to spend until she died. After he finished the construction in two months, his wife could only stay one night in their new wooden house. The next day, she got very sick and he had to drop her in to the hospital. After a week in the hospital, they could figure what had happened without even being told. The man was never really into living alone in that wooden house, it only made him suffering from his own memories. She remembered what he told them about the last words his wife said before she died, “The happiest place is the most saddest place you’ll ever live in. You know you love someone when you can’t erase the memories of her. And the place that you love the most is the memory of me that you can never erase.” So, that was why he decided to move away. Not to erase the memory of his wife, just to stop his misery.
“Apparently…” he paused. In a split second, she could see a tear dripped off from his left eye, or was it just a snowflake. “…not anymore.” he continued walking.
She ran as fast as she could in the snow to catch him from disappearing. “Stop!” she reached out for his hand.
“Why are you doing this to me?” she asked him without catching a breath.
“What?” he asked without even turning around, still staring to the long and lonely road.
“Are you going to leave me alone?” she started to cry.
“Are you going to erase me from your life? Are you going to leave me dying from a broken heart?”
“I don’t know…” he said plainly.
“What is happening to us?” she asked again, though she knows the answer. “Are you trying to end this story? Our story?”
“I don’t know…” he said it again.
“STOP SAYING THAT!” she screamed. One tear drop fell out of her eye to the snowy ground. “Look at me!” she demanded.
He stayed frozen.
“LOOK AT ME!” She spin his body around in front of her, and then pulled down his head straight to hers so that they could face each other. She stared furiously with her watery eyes. “What is happening to you?”
His eyes gave her a hostile kind of look, which made her surprised.
“What is happening to me?” he said with a little sarcastic laugh. “What is happening to you?”
She didn’t move. Warm smokes came out from her nose within every breath. Her lips were frozen, her body was shaking, she could see the reflection of her starting to cry from his sleepless eyes.
“You never answer my phone, you didn’t reply any of my messages, you don’t talk to me anymore. You make me feel like I’m just a waste of your time, like I’m just a ghost. Am I bothering you? Are you tired of me being so near to you everyday? Do I make you bored to death?”
“No, don’t say that!”
“Then, what is it?” he grabbed her shoulders in a tight grip. “Tell me what makes you stop talking to me!”
“It’s you!” she finally said without screaming, without feeling so scared to be neglected. But she was crying now. “It was you who made me stop talking to you everyday! It was you who made me stop believing your broken promises! It was you who made me stop caring!”
His grip was loosened. His hands were shaky in her shoulders. They both were shaking.
“It was you who turned me into this piece of trash! I feel like I’m not worth of your love, because I’m not a kind of girl that could satisfy of all your physical errands. I can’t give you enough satisfaction when you need someone to sleep with. I’m not the one who can give you everything to all your lusts.”
“What are you talking about?” he shook his head in confusion.
“Sometimes, I feel like you don’t even love me just because I refuse to satisfy your sensual needs. Like you stay with me because there is nobody who wants to do it for free like me. Like you can use me all you want without even have to think that you are making a dirty sin on me.”
“NO!” he bawled out. He cupped her face in both his hands, they were surprisingly cold. “Don’t you dare say anything like that! You’re everything to me. You’re the only one in this fucking world who is worth of my heart. I would die for you to give you every piece of me.
You’re not who you think you are to me. You are in reverse to whom I think of for me. You never are a disturbance to every piece of shits in my life. You are mine to keep, you are mine to love and to care and to hold. I will never let you ease away from our story. I will never let you to evade yourself from my sight. So, stop thinking that you’re a piece of trash because you’re not! You’re my treasure, my precious.
And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way before. I’m sorry for hurting you. If this started when you told me not to touch you, I’m so ever sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”
He was half crying. Almost, but not yet.
“Then why you always do the same if we play that game? You always break your own words.”
He suddenly hugged her so tight. The warmth in his body radiated to hers, made her feel warm and safe and feel like she was loved for once again.
“Because I can’t stop myself from thinking that I want you. I want all of you for myself. It’s like I want to devour your strength so that you can’t fight me from loving you passionately. I want to show you all the love I have for you. I want you to feel me inside you. I want you to feel what I feel.
Because you are so goddamn beautiful, and I can’t help myself from touching you. Your skin is just too slender, broken white almost peach, and so perfect. Because I want to feel your presence. I want to touch you. I want to love you, and I want you to love me back. I just want you to feel the same as I do to you. And I’m sorry for that.”
He sobbed, but there were no tears falling.
She didn’t say anything during his confession. She startled to hear all the words came out from his mouth. At first, she hesitated but her heart was lighten up by the sobs from him and she started to believe again. She felt the love for him once again, and this time was so strong. She could feel something weird inside her body. It was like, she could feel what he felt that time. Now, she knows what it is. It is love. It is the happiness that he wants to share.
“I’ve missed you…” she said through her wild cries.
“Sssh…” he rubbed her hair softly and gently, still holding to one another closely. “Me too”
“I miss you…” she said once again.
“I know,” he said like he could feel it too. “I’m right here.”
She smiled in her tears, he cried in his smile.
They are both once again falling in love with each other. Finding the true meaning of Double Happiness. The joy from the intimacy of their hearts. The love that is equal. The love that is pure.
“What is the meaning of Double Happiness?” she asked.
“I have no idea…” he answered.
“I think it’s telling us about true love.” she said.
“How can you tell?” he asked.
“I can’t. Just a random thought…” she told him.
“Okay, then.” he nodded.
“It’s correct, isn’t it?” she demanded.
“About what?” he doubted.
“Double Happiness. True love.” she explained.
“I don’t know,” he paused. “Let’s just find out.” he smiled.
She smiled. They smiled.
Originally published at anndiananna.wordpress.com on December 28, 2014.