Anne K. Althauser
Mar 2, 2016 · 2 min read

Our minds weigh down the pillows,
a few drinks and some weed weigh down our bodies.
I struggle to keep my eyes open.
A long day.
A long week.
An already long year.

And that’s when you say there’s something on your mind.
By the way you say it I know it’s something heavier than I can predict.
You’ve started conversations like this before…
when I’m exhausted and unprepared
when there was plenty of opportunity to talk out of bed
but instead you brought these thoughts to this shared cloud sanctuary of ours.

My heart races,
the emergency store of energy in my body activates.
I’m awake.

The thickness of the conversation feels the same.
The same as the time you told me you didn’t see this going anywhere.
This being me
and you.
Doing “this”
singing, laughing, tasting, dancing, playing, sexing, loving.
The time you said I was more “into” it than you were
and didn’t allow for a conversation, but
instead assumed
and put up a wall against my feelings for you.
Potential or otherwise.

I climbed over that wall, you see.
And we started building something for us
by us.
To be enjoyed by us
and not judged by others,
for our wall is not for them.

But now you are inviting me to share your home with you,
yet is there space for me?
An empty house and you’re alone in it,
but my invitation inside seems to stop at the door.
At the idea of sharing it,
locked out by ‘what ifs’ and uncertainty.

The uncertainty is mutual; these feelings are not new to me.
What if this isn’t what I signed up for?
What if you truly drive me crazy?
What if I see too much of you and not as much of ‘you-as-you-are-with-me’?
What if you never actually do the dishes? What if I don’t do them for you?
What if two bedrooms but one bed means I can’t hide from you?
Why do I need to hide anyways?
What if we get more caught up in the ‘what ifs’ than in the ‘as it is’?

Because the ‘as it is’ is pretty good
Supportive as it is
Easy as it is
Youthful as it is
Provocative as it is

So as you expel these thoughts to me
please remember:
we didn’t get to this place today
and me
in this bed,
in this home,
by letting the indefinite
and unknown future
get the best of we.

But instead,
we woke up everyday
and decided that today,
bad breath
and bad habits aside,
I want to be with you.

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