Dissolution
I looked ‘dissolution’ up in the Miriam-Webster app; the definition is dark and ominous. Far darker than Washington State dissolution papers make it sound as they march a couple through the steps of ending a marriage relationship that was meant to last the number of breaths of either one or both parties in the marriage. Having read court opinions of dissolution cases, the attitudes of the Petitioner (the person that files the divorce) and the Respondent (the person that is responding) astound me. In some cases, the husband controls all the finances, and his manner leaves his wife feeling controlled, if not abused. In some cases, there is child abuse, the Petitioner files to end the marriage to protect the children and (often female) herself.
When I went through a divorce in 2002, my husband had emotionally dissolved our marriage long before he mentioned anything to me. We each spoke to our officiant over the phone; his advice to me was to let my marriage go — there was no hope for recovery because my husband’s heart was his hard, his mind was clouded, his ears were closed. Two months earlier I had pointed out that our marriage needed help; however, he felt no desire to do anything to seek help for us.
As that marriage crumbled, God showed me he created us with free will — we created with the power to choose to love our spouse or reject our spouse. We were also created with the power to set boundaries on how others treat us. I did not begin to realize and explore the enormity of that until I took Interpersonal Communication as part of my associate requirements in 2009. After ending an abusive, relationship a year earlier, it dawned on me that I do not have to allow people who prove themselves untrustworthy, harmful, or toxic to remain in my life.
Now, as I think about the marriages around me and what each person puts their spouse through. Each spouse can choose to work with/around/through the other’s insecurities and neurosis, or they can be aloof. Each spouse can allow the other to help them find better ways to think about themselves and others, or they can wallow stubbornly in their own warped self-image. Each spouse can also choose to have friends in their life that will encourage them to endure through the difficult circumstances that come, affirm them when they are doing things right and well, and hold them accountable to their poor attitudes and choices. Alternatively, each spouse can choose to turn inward, isolate and alienate himself or herself from his/her spouse and anyone who could support them in persevering to keep the covenant he/she made and remind them of what that means and what it looks like. Remember that ‘free will’ thing I mentioned last paragraph? The individuals in the marriage make that decision for themselves, on their own. No one can make them do it, tell them how to do it, or force the ‘right’ answer — what is in that individual’s heart will come to the surface, eventually. If either person has lied to themselves at any point in the marriage, the results of finally owning the truth could be catastrophic.
God, forbid it that anyone lie to themselves about themselves, please. The outcome is rarely good, and it raises the question that should either one or both spouses lie to themselves (and consequentially, each other) about anything significant about their personal past or their marriage, where does each person’s responsibility to the covenant they made when they took the vows end? Does it end when the lies are discovered? Does it end with the first act of adultery or the fifth? Does it end with the other person’s refusal to emotionally participate in the marriage? Does it end with years of counseling that only one of you wanted? Does it end when the passive-aggressive verbal abuse and controlling begin? Does it end when communication stops and one person refuses to communicate at all, even over small things? It depends on the hearts of the people in the marriage — and only God knows hearts a person’s heart until that person asks him to show them what is in his/her own heart at any given moment concerning any given circumstance, and what is in his/her spouse’s heart.
The only answer I can offer to any of the questions above is, “It depends.” I know — that answer is a text-book cop-out; but, is it? The answers depend on the condition of the hearts of the people in the marriage, they depend on each person’s willingness to listen and grow and do the hard work God assigns through a wide variety of resources. The answers from God also depend on the longevity he sees with his omniscient eyes.
Do I like any of these answers? Not one bit. I like plain, black-and-white, cut-and-dried answers. I like the answers to be the same for everyone. But, remember that free-will thing that keeps coming up? All of us are different, from our appearance to our experiences to our thought processes; so we seek God’s thoughts on our relationships and our circumstances and listen for his voice and his wisdom through those we know and trust that have walked the marriage road.