It’s still you, sometimes
But I don’t see you much these days
Your voice is echoing through the house greeting the other inhabitants and I am sitting on the couch in the living room. I panic.
Something is welling up in my throat. There’s a tension in my chest. My heart quickens as if it wants to jump out of my rib cage and run its very first marathon.
I want to move but my body is paralyzed. I am frozen. I am glued to this couch and the weight of my limbs has anchored me into a vacuum I cannot leave. I wasn’t ready for this.
Your nervous laughter floats down the hallway. I can sense every tense emotion coursing through your body as you make your way towards the living room. I can hear you wondering whether I’ll be there when you turn the last corner.
I am here, waiting.
But I was always waiting, wasn’t I?
I remember a moment I suddenly realized it’s not you anymore. I mean, it’s still you. But it’s a past you.
A past me. Someone I have long forgotten.
But I have not forgotten you.
I want to cry but I can’t cry anymore.
My throat closes in on itself, my chest has a vice clamping down on either side and every breath is ragged. My lungs are burning.
There is no finale, there is no closure, there is no outburst. Only a poem here, words spilled out in digital ink on virtual paper there, a song trying to impart the enormity of what was lost to an unknown audience.
I haven’t been able to cry since I resolved myself to losing you.
I comforted myself with your presence, I held onto you as long as my fingers could white knuckle grip around your own, but my hands grew sweaty as I closed my eyes and I counted down from ten.
We make an enormous journey together. It is a life together. It is the best part of our entire relationship.
Every day continues to be the day you are most beautiful to me.
I would still do anything to see you smile.
I am resolved to living out a simple last few months with you. I can hold out for now. It’s our last holidays together.
I am waking up to your gentle face. Your eyes smile at me from the pillow and I kiss you softly.
I try not to mourn what I know is coming. I feel as if I am watching someone die. I wonder if it is me.
I realize I am not dying.
It just feels like dying.
I am breathing the last pieces of you into my soul. I wonder whether these fragments and bits of shrapnel will make it easier or harder once you’re gone.
I quietly remind you that decisions need to be made. I can’t wait forever. It’s been so many years already. I need to know.
Can you love me?
I let you know that it’s okay not to find an answer, but no answer is a decision in and of its own.
It turns out I haven’t seen you lately.