6 Ways to Stop Taking Everything Personally

Anne Hamming
Sep 4, 2018 · 3 min read

Sensitivity can be a powerful trait. Sensitive people can be highly adaptable. They quickly sense the mood of those around them and shift to respond appropriately to situations. Sensitive people can also benefit from being highly aware of their own inner state of being. They know faster than less sensitive people exactly how they feel at any given point in time.

Still, every powerful trait can carry liabilities if overused, and sensitivity is no exception. The strength of self-awareness can quickly become a liability when sensitive people start to become easily wounded.

The problem is where they are placing their focus.

  1. It’s not about you: Sensitive people can be easily wounded — and hence less resilient to the normal bumps of life — when they focus too much on their inner state. If you are sensitive, it helps to remember that the mood of those around you most likely has nothing to do with you. So if your first thought when your best friend is grumpy is What did I do?, stop. Just stop. Chances are you are jumping to a faulty conclusion.
  2. Consider that their reactions are theirs: Their moods or reactions may have little or nothing to do with you. In fact, they say more about the other person than they say about you. You might never know what is going on in the mind of another, but there’s an easy way to find out. How? You can share an observation and get curious.
  3. Shift your focus: Around moody people, many of us grab the following question: “Did I do something to upset you?” Instead, the only use of “I” should be as an observation, as in, “I noticed you seem a little impatient today.” Then stop talking. Let them fill in the blank if they want to.
  4. Ask questions to connect: If the other person talks, it’s time to focus your attention on the other person with open ended questions to find out what is really going on. This is probably exactly what the other person needs. Listening intently creates connection. It satisfies a deep need to be heard and understood. In our loud world where people are all jockeying to get in their say, the presence of a focused listener can be an uplifting relief.
  5. At this point it’s still not about you, even if the person really is upset with you. When it’s time for the follow-up question, don’t put the attention back on yourself. Keep the focus on the other person and ask a question that gets them to say more about their answer. Examples: How did you come to hold that belief? What is it that’s most upsetting to you? Or What led you to that conclusion? Even reflect back the values or assumptions you hear Even put yourself in their shoes by asking What was it like to experience that?”
  6. Trust: Trust that the other person will remember your graciousness. Unless the person is a narcissist, the person will remember the time and care you gave to them. It gives you something too. The easiest remedy for self-absorption and thin-skin is to turn your focus away from your hurt feelings and to give your attention to someone else. The paradoxical impact of that act helps you put your own worries in perspective and minimize the bruises that come from living a full life.
Anne Hamming

Written by

writer, mother, life coach and political junky who is endlessly fascinated with learning ways to communicate in ways that connect us and solve problems.

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