October 2014 TORN BETWEEN TWO CITIES
And lovers are like cities. Some lovers will take your heart hostage and make you your captives’ accomplice. You watch helplessly as you free-fall with only the slightest of resistance. Your heart is souring and you feel like sleeping beauty woken up. And your head is shouting loudly: take heed! This is going to cost you. But your heart say: Life is short. Just a little longer…
And so i navigated the roller coaster, up, way way up, that i could touch the moon if i cared to. Then down i plummeted. I. could barely breath as I free fall but i held on for the next up cycle. Up and down. Before i knew it months have passed and then it was years. Addiction comes in many guises. I looked normal on the outside, but inside i was waiting and just holding on. Need, bigger than reason. Now, looking back, I wonder how I functioned at all, but somehow I did. Do I regret it? I am not sure as everything. important I learned about myself, I learned there on that roller coaster. How insanely beautiful love is, how strong and weak I am. How I had to trust another flawed person with my heart and just let it be. Loving someone unreservedly with no future in sight is strangely scary and liberating at the same time. Just loving in the moment. The pure joy. No outcome. Just the moment.
But real life always comes knocking. Then time was up. And somehow i discovered that I am not falling apart. I have been imagining that at the moment of departure, my heart would break in a thousand pieces. But haven’t we been leaving since the beginning? Didn’t we always know that this will end and parting will come sooner rather than later. There NEVER ever. was going to be a happy ever after. So all along our hearts have been weighing up and balancing. And the best part is that when I look back, this impossible love did not destroy me but instead healed some of the broken pieces. The healing of damaged perpetrated by others and myself. And all I can say is that it might have come at a high price, but it was a fair exchange. And I thank you my impossible lover.
And then it was time to visit a new city. A city that is softer, kinder and easier. And you may ask, who want easier? Isn’t it boring and what about bells and whistles? And I say, ME! I want easier now! I want a softer place to be in. To feel connected and loved in a softer passion. Oh yes! I want this. After years of roller coasters and races I am done. I am done with looking always inwards towards myself. I now know what there is, and I get it. Now I want to look outwards too. Look at another person and really see. Letting go of constant internal turmoil and dialogue. Yes it is time and I for one are looking forward to it. This city of soft light and gentle waves.