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Polyamorous and sex-positive essayist, poet, and over-thinker. @if_not_romance

Redefining love, romance, and sex

So then what then drives us, if not romance, if not that hope of something more beautiful, more powerful than we can fathom? What keeps us going?

Do you have a story that turns romance on its head and redefines it?

A story that challenges the way you were taught you should do relationships? A story that, instead, empowers you and your partner(s) to do things in a way that feels true and right for all those involved?

“If Not Romance” is now accepting submissions from writers who are changing the definition of romance, sex, and love. …


But first, she rejected me

After my boyfriend Drake suggested we open our relationship five years ago, mostly to satisfy me, I thought it a nice gesture to return the favor and connect him with a beautiful woman I met online.

I met Michelle on OkCupid, which is where I met almost all of the partners I’ve had since we opened up. …


Think of me crying out in pleasure while you watch.

It’s not that you don’t turn me on baby, because you do. Your voice on the phone these past months flows through my body like warm liquid, and I remember your warm cum dripping out of me the last time we were together.

Yes, you absolutely turn me on — your lips always soft, receptive, so full, so deliciously kissable.

Baby, you turn me on so much… just a couple of days after you told me you’re returning home and I’m pulled from my icy isolation. My body thaws. …


After several months apart, I’m seeing my lover again… what will it be like?

Comet Relationship: A person that passes through your life repeatedly who is intense and awesome, and when gone you are still in contact with that person in some way but they are not a continuous partner. — Urban Dictionary

I thought I’d written off all future possibility of reconnecting with Luke in person… but I think that may have been something I told myself to feel better about him being away.

Perhaps he really is my “comet” or, as I tend to misremember the term, my “shooting star.” Maybe we really will fulfill the fantasy we’ve shared of meeting up…


Anger is there for a reason. It’s like pain — it tells you something is wrong.

I told myself I wouldn’t look at my text messages and so, although my thumb automatically double-clicks my phone’s home button which displays my open apps, I click back to the article I’d been reading instead of my message app.

I turned off my notifications for a reason. I don’t need my impulsive fingers to override my better judgment. I don’t need to see if Gabriel wrote me back.

It started with the question: Is it possible to be friends with my ex?

After our breakup last August, Gabriel and I agreed we still wanted to be in each other’s lives. …


This isn’t a sad story about loss — it’s about the many ways to express love

After almost ten years, I’m still with my partner Drake, and even though we haven’t had sex in over a year, I’m happier with him than ever.

Sex wasn’t a top priority for me when I met Drake.

When we met, I was primarily seeking a best friend and nesting partner. I didn’t use those terms back then, but my desire to make a home with someone was strong. Drake fulfilled that desire, and he still does.

In the beginning, newness was enough to feed the erotic element of our relationship. Sex wasn’t something I took lightly or did casually, so simply being “allowed” to have sex was exciting. …


She held my desire in her hand and breathed it in, exhaling it casually in my direction.

A year or two into my polyamorous life, I met Kate and Gene on Feeld, the dating app Drake and I used to meet other couples.

Kate and I immediately clicked, and we talked for a couple of weeks, just the two of us. At one point, after exchanging a series of short video messages that left me feeling flustered and shy, I realized something: This girl is flirting with me.

Growing up, I dismissed any intimate feelings I had about women. I liked boys so I figured I was straight. …


This orgasm doesn’t require a man — real or fantasy

When I was a kid, I took gymnastics classes. I loved tumbling where I would bend my body in all sorts of shapes, rolling and flipping across the floor. I loved the vault where I could spring up and over at heights I couldn’t reach from the ground.

But what I loved most of all were the uneven bars. It wasn’t just those moments of weightlessness as I tossed my body between the bars though. It was also the tingly feeling I felt, deep in my lower belly when I…


You don’t need princes to rescue you for romance — now it’s bondage and toys and group sex.

I’m tied up in bed. Just my legs for the moment, together, like a mermaid. The red rope is wrapped from my feet to my thighs, and then I’ve added a length of black rope so it can come up over my hips, where they are knotted and secured.

Why did I tie myself up this morning? I don’t know, just wanted to.

That’s what sex is, right, a series of intuitions that bring you to the ultimate pleasure?

It’s a practice of doing and learning. …


And how it reminds me to embrace the ephemeral joy of living

I’m a bit of a “what-iffer.” My what if’s range in both intensity and ridiculousness, from, “What if my boyfriend comes home in the middle of my yoga and interrupts my flow,” to “What if everyone dies and leaves me alone and also I’ll be homeless?”

These thoughts come when I most want to enjoy life. They catch me in moments of joy and pleasure to remind me: This is fleeting. This won’t last.

The harsh truth is, whatever “it” is in that moment, well, it won’t last. Nothing lasts forever.

But what these what if’s illuminate for me is…

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