“Endings”
The following piece of writing speaks about my previous job impacting my health and my realization that it isn’t in line with my passion/skills as it was draining my energy. When I voiced the impact the work had on my health and where I saw my skills being most impactful within the role, I was given the option to either improve my performance or be on my way with a severance package.
I realized I didn’t want to suffer anymore. I’m done suffering. I could feel my body tense up, resisting the demands expected of me at work. The disappointments I faced at work really fed into my hungry demons as they whispered in my ears “you’re a failure, you’re not working hard enough!” I’m feeling scared, but at the same time I’m trembling with anticipated excitement. I know freedom is just around the corner and someone wise once told me –the Universe rewards people who take the risk. Well, what do I have to lose? I’m disappointing my manager working my ass off, so what difference would it make if I focus on my wellbeing instead? Either way they are already displeased!
I reflect back on the last 4 years at this company, and I feel physically ill about the culture. I’ve learned a lot and am grateful for the experience. At the same time, I see so much possibility for improvement. It’s almost like an abusive relationship or an addiction, you know it’s bad for your health — it’s not the best situation overall, but there have been some really good times, such as leadership training, trip to Philippines, and meeting lifelong friends.
Being an empath, I feel the energy around me. I sense the anxiety that lingers in the stale air as I enter the office building. I feel helpless as there’s nothing I can do to improve the situation. Which only leads me to feel frustration, that I’ve allowed myself to work so hard, to the point I’ve gotten strange rashes and my hair was falling out. I allowed myself to be treated with little value, that the metric I was aiming to meet was more significant than me as a person.
It has been quite the year of self-transformation as I went through my life coaching program, me working on rewriting my inner dialogue and rewiring my brain with positive thoughts. I’ve now reclaimed my power, stood my ground, “Enough is Enough — this life of mine is worthy, my health is important!” I will no longer be busy for the sake of being busy, and instead follow my passion. It took courage to speak up, and the result of it is I’m being re-birthed into the world. The world of unknown and possibilities! I’m terrified but also excited. What will the universe bring me next?
