HBO NO: Victor Frankenstein

This is a thing where I watch the bad movies that are on HBO Go so you don’t have to. Because this is fun for me.

This movie has 24% on Rotten Tomatoes. Which I think is low for a movie that features Harry Potter as an imprisoned hunchback clown.

Yes we start off with Daniel Radcliffe imprisoned in the circus, as some are. You know, in olden times. When hunchbacks were confined to the circus, and everyone in the circus hated them and locked them in cages and were needlessly dicks. I’m so glad the circus is dead. Anyway, Daniel is in there in his ICP makeup and he knows doctor things, you see, because he taught himself doctoring. Let’s not imagine how.

Eventually a guy named Victor Frankenstein is like “yeah I’m gonna go to the circus by myself, it’s a ‘me’ day.” So he does, and of course some lady falls off the trapeze and Radcliffe uses his creepy knowledge of bones to save her and Frankenstein is all “You’re like the Harry Potter of doctoring!” and sends a million owls to liberate him from the circus in the cupboard under the stairs. He’s free!

And he’s not a hunchback! He’s just got a huge abscess in his back we’re not supposed to be fucking disgusted by, and we get to watch Frankenstein drain it, like we’re not all trying to EAT god damn it.

Then Sherlock Holmes shows up. Or some guy who’s like a Holmesy type but is investigating Radcliffe and Frankenstein’s escape. He does cool shit like write all his clues on the glass in his office with dry erase markers (?!?!?) I’m sure they didn’t have those then but fuck it Trump is president. There are no rules anymore. He does get the coolest line of the movie though: “The circus is against them.” Which is a line I hope to see in some kind of clip reel someday.

By this time Radcliffe finally has his makeup off and is just like rockin some Hanson brother hair. His name in this movie is actually Igor, which I will now switch to because Radcliffe is annoyingly long to type. So he and Frankenstein hang out FOREVER. They go to a ball, there’s lots of witty dialogue, well, dialogue that’s said in a tone of voice that means “this is witty!” without actually being so. Anyway, EVENTUALLY they do go see a monster Frankenstein built. But it’s a monster he made out of parts of a bunch of dead animals, because I guess that’s easier than just one dead animal.

They bring it to life and it almost kills everyone so they kill it and are like “you know what’d be an even better idea? A bigger and smarter thing that wakes up and wants to kill everyone.” So they set out to make another white man, because the world needs more of those, I guess. I dunno, no offense to all the white dudes I love, but man you guys are everywhere. Yeah, take that, white dudes, how’s it feel to have your presence be a THING!? NOT VERY MUCH FUN IS IT!?

Aaaaaanyway. Stuff happens. People run around. Eventually there’s a showdown with Sherlock where he points a gun at Frankenstein and immediately tells him “I HAVE A DEAD WIFE.” And then Igor and Frankenstein tear the cop’s hand off and he wears a wooden mannequin hand the rest of the movie. No joke.

Also, the lady who fell off the trapeze falls in love with Igor along the way for like no reasons other than he lost the hump, which is rude. Lady if you weren’t into the hump, you can’t just suddenly be into the… pump? Ew.

There’s even a Draco Malfoy type who tries to kill Harry Potter, I mean Radcliffe, I mean Igor, at some point. Because he is a bad man, that’s why.

And it ends exactly like every other blockbuster that’s been released since 2005: all the main characters live and go off to do their thing in case this movie ends up being a hit and there’s backing for a sequel. Which, hey, anything is possible in Trump’s America. Any horrible thing.