It’s Time to Save the Democratic Party
By getting back to being as palatable to Republicans as possible.

Fresh off their stunning defeat in November, party loyalists are desperately seeking a means by which to recapture the public’s enthusiasm without the talent and likability of Barack Obama. I’m here to tell you the answer lies in this simple, evergreen objective: Placate the Republicans.
If the Democratic party wants to do its job well, it needs to realize what that job is: losing. You see, the GOP is the party of wealthy, powerful people, and the DNC is the party of wealthy, powerful people who know enough to feel bad about it. America is a country run by Republicans. You see, a Republican has held the White House for 20 out of the last 36 years. I’ve only seen two Democrats become president in my lifetime. And one of them was an accused rapist who got impeached. In addition, of the last 12 congresses, Republicans have controlled both houses for 8.
Think of the DNC like a mascot for a professional baseball team. It serves no function beyond keeping kids involved in a game they’re too young to understand. A game played by celebrities who help funnel millions to billionaire owners with $12 beers and government subsidies. The mascot is nice to have, but it is not his job to win. And the only time we let him bat is if all the batters are dead or the mascot is Barack Obama. I mean, wouldn’t you?
Because, you see, the thing that’s hot right now is populism. And you know what populism means right? It means lots of people getting active politically. It started with people realizing they could elect a person they actually liked. Then it expanded into an occupy movement that not only called out our nation’s intense wealth disparity, but also had these nobodies thinking they could just go do something about it.
Now, if you’re a member of an elite that’s sitting on loads of hoarded wealth, lots of people suddenly taking notice of this can be a very, very scary proposition. See, we messed up and spent the 20th century helping people get too much education for their own good. We forgot that once people start reading, they’re less likely to accept the hard truth that since they were born poor, they simply aren’t valuable to society. They want things like healthcare, good schools, and adequate housing. Things that would require major tax hikes on the most wealthy owner class. A concerted effort to provide services to the many by redistributing the capital we’ve produced as a nation so that our collective gains are enjoyed collectively would seriously fuck up some people’s ability to fly fresh Nobu sushi to their kids at summer camp on private jets. Why would you want to fuck up some kid’s day like that? Think of the children.
But the right can make populism work for elites! It’s militaristic, patriotic. It promises a lot and it never has to deliver, because there’s always a bad guy standing in the way that we have to kill first. Whether it’s ISIS or Democrats, or Obama, who is apparently both, they make sure nothing can be done and everything is only bad because they exist. So we have to kill them! Hopefully using expensive guns the wealthy people who run the government buy from the other wealthy people who make guns using taxpayer money. On the right, populism is okay because it’s terrifying, and if we let it show its ugliest side and fail, it will help everyone see why it’s so important to keep the unwashed hoards out of politics.
So Democrats, remember: let the Republicans win until we get a lid on this whole populism thing. Stay quiet, stay polite, unless of course a fellow leftist does something you don’t like, then call it out loudly. Abandon them. Show no solidarity at all with anyone you maybe even kind of disagree with on anything. We’re a “big tent” party that should never be looking outside of the tent, because we’re too busy having table-flipping fights inside the tent. Frankly, we’re lucky if we get the security deposit back on this tent.
The left in America is supposed to be toothless. A hobby for people with the time to read and write think pieces like this one. It stays polite, palatable, middle of the road. Leftism’s draw is the purity hill it dies on. It’s a scandal if a Democrat once crossed paths with an extremist, while Republicans champion right-wing militias, shrug at being endorsed by the KKK, and proudly display the flags of traitors who waged war on the United States in the name of keeping millions of Americans enslaved. But God help the Democrat who does anything that might upset the president’s idyllic 11 year old child.
Democrats are a gesture. A nice thought. A group of people who are happy as long as they have all the comforts they personally need along with a cause to gripe about to mask their comfort. They’re shocked that any racial minority wouldn’t automatically vote with them, horrified that anyone would acknowledge the human struggle of someone they deem *too* racist, and then turn around and fight to prevent their kids from having to go to school with too many minorities. Being a Democrat is basically an edgy quirk you can use to liven up any country club conversation.
So don’t listen to these insane fringe groups who are trying to build the kind of real life left-wing that exists in almost every other western nation. This is America. Where you’re free to either make buckets of money you don’t even need at a job your dad gave you, or die poor, but nothing in between. As Democrats, it’s not our job to suggest upending this, but to say “How annoying! We wish we could make this better! But sorry, we’re capitalists!” and then go back to drinking rosé with our friends from boarding school at the regatta. After all, why upend a game you’re having so much fun playing?
