The fact that you recognize the duality of your love, is key. You showing kindness to everyone as an antidote, speaks volumes about the person you’ve managed to become, despite the hellishness of your early life. As a pediatric nurse, I’ve seen my fair share of abused kids… and they often cling to their abusers, because as your friend said, they’ve been conditioned to know this as love. We can’t change the past, can’t undo the damage done, but we can sure as hell not repeat history, and make our lives as different and as satisfying as what we didn’t get from the people we should have. I operate on a spectrum of “ my conscience is clear”, in that I give enough to people in my family that are a drain on me, to keep my conscience clear. But I’m finally realizing that’s ALL I have to do. I don’t owe them my life, my happiness, and least of all, an explanation on how I live my life, or why I chose to live it on the other side of the country. I suspect you’ve figured that out, you seem to be on a journey of self discovery and healing, for which I’m so happy. I say that because it took me to 50 to realize hey, I don’t have to live this life any more if I don’t want to! To be fair, I had been married, raised a child, had a “ good” job, I mean it’s not as if I was living on the street, with no options. But people often live in a prison of their own making! Kudos for not being one of them! I raise my glass to you and say, keep writing, exploring , give your inner child a chance to be free and heal. Try to maintain boundaries with your mom… just saying.
