Things You Can Tell by Just Looking at Her.
This 2000 film was one that struck, and interested me upon release, based sole on the title, but I never made the effort to watch it. I’ve always believed that when we look at someone, we form judgments, often snap ones — that may or may not be correct, and I’m well aware that my unassuming and nonthreatening nature and appearance has served me well. There are few places, including behind locked doors, that I’m not able to access. “Oh! Hey! I don’t know what’s gotten into me today. I think I left my wallet in there. Do you mind unlocking the door?” And the next thing you know — the vaults at Fort Knox swing open, GASPS! They’re empty. But I digress. Ha-ha!
Be curious. Not judgmental — Walt Whitman
Why do we judge? There’s actually science behind it. Though, I’m not sure how accurate we are in our first impressions, but apparently, we’re assessing for two things:
- Can I trust this person? This question is based on survival and most of us respond to the warmth of a person and their authenticity. On the other hand, if we feel that someone is hiding something, we may instinctively feel less safe.
- Should I respect this person? How competent do we find this person? If they have a solid reputation, we may have answered this question before we’ve even met them, but the foremost question remains our survival.
If we answer yes to both questions, we’ll likely judge an individual favorably but if there’s doubt, most of us, would place some distance between ourselves and the other person. Physically or otherwise.
If you were to survey people who know me — pending my relationship with them, you’d likely get different answers. Granted, there will be common threads reappearing throughout but given the nature of the relationship, chances are they don’t truly and fully know me. Why is that? How do we know people? I think it comes down to awareness — awareness of self and allowing others to feel safe in sharing who they are, their thoughts and feelings.
People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. — St. Augustine
The people we spend the most time with tend to be our colleagues, or our peers, and while we spend the majority of our time with them. Odds are, they know us the least. Being, we share only a certain side of us, and I understand the need for maintaining proper decorum. I don’t usually walk into the OR, and say, “Hey! Yo! Doc! What’s up? Are you closing any appendages today?” It all depends on how long I’ve known them. It takes me a minute to warm up to people. I like to assess, then act. Not the other way around. There’s a time and place for everything. And the more complex a life you’ve lived, the more likely you are to be misunderstood.
Now our thoughts on the other hand are a far better indicator of who we are, but we don’t walk around with bubbles above our heads, revealing our thoughts, perhaps one day that may be the case. And I suspect some of you are in for a rude awakening.
It’s not easy being true, it leaves us vulnerable, exposed and fearful — fearful that people won’t like us for who we are, but I can only think of one thing worse — and that’s knowing that people only like you for who they think you are. So be true to yourself, stand up for your values and beliefs, even if that means having fewer people in your circle. I keep mine small. Sifting, always sifting.
