My Year of Living Out Loud: 52 Things I Did To Be More Confident

I’ve never had much confidence, but until about a year ago, I didn’t realize just how much it was holding me back.

The turning point came when I talked myself out of applying for a position I knew I was qualified to do because I didn’t think I was impressive enough. I couldn’t be assertive enough. I didn’t look the part. Truthfully, I didn’t think much of myself at all, and I didn’t think that would ever change.

Months later, long after I’d made peace with my decision, a friend told me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear.

“Confidence is a game,” he said. “People fake it all the time. You just have to decide to play.”

So I did.

Taking a cue from Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project, I decided I would do whatever it took to become more confident in 2017. Some of the things I did were intentional bucket list items or challenges I gave myself; others just happened along the way. Whatever the case, I aimed to do one thing each week and wrote it all down. And to my amazement, it worked. As the year came to a close, I could finally say I wasn’t just faking confidence; I actually felt it. Although confidence still feels like that elusive brass ring that keeps moving and slipping from my grasp at times, I’m finally playing the game. Here’s how I did it.

1. I started each day with a positive quote. Simple enough, but it did make a difference.
2. I become a redhead again. I rocked just about every shade of red hair in college and loved the way it made me feel — sexy, adventurous, and a bit wild. My first order of the new year was to bring that feeling back. I decided although I wasn’t born a redhead, I was born to be one.
3. I got a facial. I’d always thought of this as a luxury reserved for bachelorette parties and Kardashians, but if I was going to become more confident, I should take a cue from confident people. Tom Haverford on Parks & Rec has clearly mastered the art of confidence, and I knew what he would say: “Treat yo self, girl.”
4. I spread some cheer. The very first week of the new year, my friend invited me to join her in serving lunch at a local soup kitchen. It might sound cliche, but taking the focus off myself to help others was one of the best things I could have done to start the year.
5. I went to comedy shows. Laughter is good for the soul, and watching people perform is a great lesson in confidence. I went to several shows over the past year and studied comedians the way an anthropologist studies an unknown tribe. I paid attention to their delivery and the kind of jokes that got thunderous applause as well as the ones that bombed.
6. I worked out almost every day. Although I haven’t always had tons of confidence, I’ve always taken pride in my body and enjoyed pushing its limits. Not to mention an exercise-fueled endorphin rush is about as close as you can get to feeling high without drugs.
7. I stopped comparing myself to others. Theodore Roosevelt is credited for calling comparison “the thief of joy.” Old Teddy was right.
8. I joined a volleyball team. I hadn’t played volleyball on a team in almost 20 years ago. My teammates were in it to win it, and at first, I felt like I was just letting them down. But when I finally broke through my overhand serving handicap, I felt like I’d gained back something I’d lost long ago. And repeatedly hitting the floor or delivering a powerful blow to the competition made me realize I could still be tough.
9. I mastered new yoga poses. Confidence requires growth. Much like my volleyball triumphs, being able to nail Standing Pigeon and a couple fancy arm balances reminded me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for.
10. I took dance classes. I used to think the ability to dance was a gift, but anyone can learn it. And here’s a secret: the more awkward or clumsy you are, the more you stand to gain from dancing. I took Intro to Latin Dance at Viva Dance Studio in Cleveland, where I learned the basics of bachata, merengue and salsa. Dancing trained my brain to follow patterns and forced me to stop overthinking — one of my greatest confidence killers.
11. I learned a few extra moves. To mix up my gym routine, I started taking a Dance2Fit class. Although I’ve been out of the club scene for awhile, I had a blast learning some moves I could use on the dance floor whether or not I had a partner.
12. I took a personality test. I’ve almost always felt unsure of myself, so I wondered how much of this was inherited. I took the MBTI test and saw the four letters that summed up just about everything I’ve felt was right and wrong with me my whole life: INFP. INFP stands for Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeler and Perceiver. Aside from being naturally reserved, I tend to take cues from within, as opposed to the world around me, tend to be more emotional than logical, and I believe the world exists in shades of gray rather than black and white. According to 16Personalities.com, this type is rare — just 4 percent of the population — and the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high. On the plus side, INFPs are highly creative, idealistic, open-minded and hard-working and dedicated — once they find a cause they believe in. Once I understood myself better, it was easier to see how I could harness my superpowers while tackling some of my weaknesses (like my tendency to internalize everything when I should be asserting myself.)
13. I upgraded my wardrobe. It was long overdue.
14. I found a signature lipstick shade. Bella, by Lipsense.
15. I found a signature scent. The world needs more Love & Sunshine.
16. I became a voracious consumer of podcasts. Some of my favorites are The Moth, RadioLab, Reveal, Hidden Brain, and The Art of Charm. Not only did I gather some valuable tips for living a better life, I also pick up some fascinating stories and tidbits that made for great conversation.
17. I accepted (almost) every invitation I received. Shonda Rhimes has talked about her Year of Yes, in which she made it a point to say yes to everything, no matter what. This might not always be practical or healthy, but for me, it was a good reason to stop making excuses. The key was to say “yes” to the right things. Instead of saying “yes” to unrealistic deadlines, for instance, I said “yes” to more happy hours and last-minute invites I might have turned down in the past.
18. I stopped setting unrealistic deadlines…and beating myself up for not meeting them.
19. I said one big ‘No’ without guilt. A good friend of mine is a pastor who invited me to join his group on a 10-day trip to Burundi. His church has invested a lot of time and resources there over the past five years to provide a small village with food, running water and sturdy houses. It’s an impressive mission, and one I admire. I gave it serious consideration but ultimately decided against it for several reasons. I’d gone on a similar trip to India in just the past year and left feeling discouraged by how insignificant our contribution seemed in the grand scheme of things. I had too many doubts and didn’t feel prepared to give a genuine testimony about my faith or share the Gospel. I knew my reasons were valid, and I never second-guessed my decision.
20. I developed a strategy for dealing with negative thoughts. I didn’t say I stopped having them, but I found I could discredit a lot of them just asking two simple questions — Is this true? Is it helpful? Most of the thoughts that creep into my mind when I’m upset or discouraged aren’t.
21. I became a mentor. After the 2016 election, I felt hopeless and powerless. There was so much division, so much hate, and it was palpable. Attitudes toward certain groups of people — particularly immigrants— seemed to have reached an all-time low. The Cleveland area is a melting pot of immigrants and welcomes hundreds of refugees each year. As an idealist at heart, I wanted to do something to help them feel more welcome here. So I got involved with Refugee Response, a local organization that pairs children of refugees with mentors while providing job training to their parents. Helping a 12-year-old with her homework and reading has been a joy and something I look forward to every week.
22. I taught my niece and nephew to roller skate. Just as I found with mentoring, there’s something about teaching someone a new skill that makes you feel more sure of yourself. (Plus it’s fun!)
23. I rekindled old friendships. One of the first things I did at the beginning of the year was start making plans to see people I hadn’t seen in awhile. I decided I’d do whatever was necessary to spend time with them, even if it meant long road trips and fighting D.C. traffic.
24. I mended a few burned bridges. OK, I can’t take full credit here because other people initiated this. First, it was my husband reaching out to a longtime friend after a falling out. Another was a college friend who said some horrible things to me and regretted it. Both instances required uncomfortable conversations, and it was well worth it. But first…
25. I demanded an apology. The old me would have just swallowed my words and let the anger ferment deep in the pit of my stomach. Instead, before mending that second bridge, I reminded my friend of what he’d said and told him how much it hurt. He gave me a sincere apology, and that made all the difference.
26. I planned adventures. When we had a free weekend, I tried to make the most of it. Whether it was heading down to Columbus for a kid’s birthday party or going to The Flats in Cleveland for a music festival, I did all I could to get out, even when it would have been easier to stay home.
27. I went to Hocking Hills. Spending a weekend hiking, drinking wine and hanging out in a hot tub with my sisters was easily one of the best decisions I made all year.
28. I planted a garden. Back to the idea of learning new skills, I decided I wouldn’t feel like a real homeowner until I planted a garden. It was all fun and games until I had to try to figure out what to do with a never-ending supply of zucchini.
29. I took the trip of a lifetime. For our 10-year anniversary, my husband and I took a week-long tour of Costa Rica. We booked the trip on Groupon through Costa Rica Monkey Tours, and it was an unforgettable experience. Every single day started with stepping outside my comfort zone in one way or another.
30. I stopped to marvel at the world around me. With one-fourth of the country classified as protected wildlife, Costa Rica is one of the best places to be amazed by nature. Along a backdrop of stunning waterfalls and verdant mountains, we saw wild monkeys, sloths, toucans, butterflies, crocodiles sunning themselves and even a poison dart frog.
31. I went white-water rafting. This involved conquering a very real fear — not a fear of water or rapids, but the (admittedly slim) possibility of being attacked by crocodiles.
32. I went ziplining. We were 5,000 feet above sea level — so high we couldn’t see more than 3 feet in front of our faces , which turned out to be a good thing.
33. I made new friends. There’s no better way to make friends than taking a bus trip with 20 strangers.
34. I took a crash-course in Spanish. Planning our trip to Costa Rica coincided perfectly with the release of “Despacito.” I’ll admit I initially started brushing up on my high school Spanish because I absolutely had to know every seductive word Luis Fonsi was saying. But then I figured I’d better keep going, because I might get into trouble if the only phrases I knew were quiero respirar tu cuello (let me breathe your neck) and dejame sobrepasar tus zonas de peligro (let me surpass your danger zones.)
35. I started painting again. I’ve always been artistic, but I cast that talent aside for years because it just seemed impractical. Once I committed to doing a few paintings and actually carved out the time for it, it was amazing how quickly I picked it back up again. Learning a new skill is a great confidence boost, but sometimes just going back to something you were once good at (like Spanish or painting) is even better.
36. I hosted a fundraising event. A trip to northern India in 2016 opened my eyes to a lot of things, including the widespread problem of sex trafficking. I wanted to do something about it, so I partnered with Destiny Rescue, an organization working to end child sex trafficking by working with law enforcement to find girls who have been trafficked, free them and help them begin a new life. It costs the organization approximately $1,500 to rescue one child, so that was our initial fundraising goal — and I’m happy to say we exceeded it.
37. I made a bucket list and actually stuck to it. To keep myself accountable for actually doing all these things, I wrote a bunch of them out on a chalkboard in my dining room, where I could see them every day.
38. I tried new foods. Ethiopian, Korean, Thai and Costa Rican foods, to name a few. Expanding your horizons builds confidence…and it’s delicious.
39. I pitched an idea. I like to think I have great ideas all the time, but unlike Tom Haverford (to use another Parks & Rec reference), I hardly ever tell anyone about them. I vowed to change that this year and developed a contest that would encourage more of my coworkers to contribute to our marketing company’s blog. I thought through all the details and, once my plan was solid, presented it to my boss.
40. I gave a presentation at work. The next step was to present the contest to everyone and talk about best practices in a 40-minute company meeting. Although we’re a small company and there’s no reason to be nervous, as an introvert, it’s pretty much my default mode. Anytime I’m speaking and I know more than five people are listening, my heart races and my throat starts closing. Fortunately I’ve figured out some ways to shut this down: 1) Assume the “power pose,” with my chest lifted and head held high 2) Clench my fist to keep my blood flowing, and 3) Take slow, deep breaths. I’ve also found I’m much less nervous if I stay focused on one or two people, rather than looking around the room too much.
41. I read more books about strong people who inspired me. One of my favorites was Half Broke Horses, a true-life story by Glass Castle author Jeannette Walls about her grandmother.
42. I spent more time with confident people. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn has famously said we are all an average of the five people we spend the most time with. As a person who lacked confidence, I gravitated toward people who were similar to me or even less confident than me because I felt more comfortable around them. Even when I was young, I felt intimidated by kids who were popular, boisterous, or just a little too peppy. I realized now that this was a missed opportunity; not only did I miss out on potential friendships, I also missed a chance to learn from those kids and maybe even teach them something (like how to remember vocabulary words, instead of just copying my answers.)
43. I took time to reflect and write things down…just to remind myself I was making progress.
44. I stopped being afraid to share my opinion. I’ve got more filters than Instagram, so this wasn’t easy. I’m one of those people who think of something witty to say, then think of all the ways in which it could be taken out of context, offend someone or be proven wrong. I am a “draft and delete” master.
45. I swore. (And realized it was OK.) One of my filters is the “profanity filter,” probably a holdover from my Catholic school days. To this day, when I hear someone swear or even think about swearing, it’s like a loud siren goes off in my head. Then I take stock of who’s around me and (most of the time) realize no one else actually cares.
46. I signed petitions and submitted public comments. From signing a petition opposing Steve Bannon as Donald Trump’s chief strategist to submitting public comments about repealing the Affordable Care Act and net neutrality, I looked for opportunities to act instead of just fuming over things I couldn’t change.
47. I gave up Netflix (for awhile). Another holdover from my Catholic days is Lent, something I still practice as a means of self-improvement. The idea is to give up something you think you can’t live without for 40 days, and for me, that was Netflix. I definitely felt more productive during that time. Will I do it again? Probably not.
48. I got a promotion. This came in May, a few months into my year of living out loud. I’m hesitant to take all the credit for this because an unexpected departure opened the door wide open (again). But this time, I walked right through it and didn’t look back.
49. I took a lot of selfies. I have to say, finding the right way to present myself to the world did make me feel more confident…at first.
50. I swore off taking selfies. So that confidence that comes from taking selfies apparently has a ceiling. After awhile, I realized I was putting too much stock in how other people reacted to my posts and letting it affect how I felt about myself. There’s actually some research on the link between selfies and self esteem, and the results are mixed. One study found people who spent too much time on social media looking at selfies from others have a lower opinion of themselves. Another study found posting selfies actually boosted women’s self esteem because it allowed them to see themselves in a new light. If posting a selfie gives you a boost, go for it…just remember your self worth is measured in so much more than likes and comments.
51. I took more photos of the people, places and things that make me happy.
52. I visualized myself succeeding. Whether I was preparing for a presentation or just going out for the night, I saw myself as confident, capable and charming.

For most of my life, I assumed confidence was a trait — some people would always have it, and some never would. Now I know it’s a skill that can be developed. It’s also situational. The more you challenge yourself to do things you haven’t done before, the more you’ll gain. If you lack confidence and aren’t working on it, start now.

Your future success and happiness depend on it.