I Am a Dead Person Who Voted for Trump

It’s time to come out of the coffin and say it: I am a dead person who voted for Donald J. Trump to be the 45th president of the United States.

I know thousands of Democrats (and even a few Republicans) are coming out of the woodwork to say “widespread voter fraud” is not possible. And that most dead people who are on voter rolls aren’t there for nefarious reasons. But Trump was right. We voted.

I want to share with you my rationale for why I cast my vote, and why I’m dying for more of Trump’s leadership in 2017:

  1. He plans to repeal the ACA. More dead people — as many as 43,000 per year. Morbidity loves company.
  2. He’s going to build The Wall™. More than 1 million people died building the Great Wall of China. But it’s time to make America great again, and that means greater than China. Let’s top that body count. #bodiesonbodies
  3. He’s an outsider. Washington is a swamp. For so long, our country has been ruled by dirty politicians traipsing through the filth of righteousness and sanctimony. It’s time to give voice to the people below the swamp, because the Real South will rise again.
  4. He puts America first. Our country was built on good, honest conquest — filling the ranks of our carcass caucus—and Trump promises more of the same. It’s time to show the rest of the world who’s boss.
  5. He has the best hair. It’s the envy of the Underworld.

There’s no need for a mass investigation. I voted for Trump as a dead person, as did my neighbor Patricia, and a couple million of our friends.

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