The Anxiety of Dating While DACA-mented
I’ve never really thought about it until I recently went back on Tinder because I thought, “Why not?” It’s been over a year since my last long term relationship ended. A relationship that grew tense every time the topic of my immigration status was brought up, and was not made any better when my family would bring it up in what they thought was a subtle manner. It placed unnecessary tension that eventually was one of the reasons why the relationship had to end.
I’ve now put myself out there again, and I can’t help but think in the back of my mind “do they care?” Do they care that I am undocumented, that I am one of the thousands of Dreamers currently fighting to stay in a country whose President condones hatred towards us? I am currently one of the many who stand to lose DACA if nothing is done by the current administration to reach a decision on my future.
I’m not the only one currently worried about my situation; there is obviously my family who all look at me with pity but I know deep down they mean well. And to my surprise there are family friends that have shown they care deeply about my situation. I’ve got to say I’ve never felt such support or love before, and it kind of makes me upset that most of the time I feel alone in my situation when the reality is I’m really not. I think that just comes down to the state of my mental health, but whether they know it or not, it helps knowing that there are people who care.
But this gets more difficult when it comes to dating. I never know when to bring it up in conversation, and then it makes me feel like I’m leading them on. It makes me feel like I’m being deceitful and keeping a big part of me hidden away. Of course my immigration status does not define me as a person, no, the things I chose to surround myself with define my person and recently I’ve been super nerdy and I guess somewhat crafty — I’ll get back to you on that.
I’ve always known that if I could not figure out my immigration dilemma on my own, there was always the infamous option of marrying someone who could help me. The thing is that this concept scares me, mostly because marriage is something I’ve always thought of as sacred, and also there’s the possibility it could be considered fraud. Most of it might have to do with being brought up catholic; I was brought with the belief that marriage is the end all, and well … not something I take lightly.
My status isn’t at a stand still, for years I thought I would benefit from my parents, should they ever get their residency, but a recent visit to a lawyer has informed me otherwise. I’ve sadly outgrown the age of being a beneficiary and learning this threw me into a depression that I had to fight my way to get out of. My hope lies in a possibility of a Dream Act being passed, even with the current President’s persistence on a border wall and closing the country off from growth, I have some faith that something could be passed … even when various plans keep getting shut down by congress. If that’s not to be, well there’s always the possibility of a job that could possibly sponsor a visa for me. These are all long shots for sure, but these are the shots I’m aiming for.
I’m trying to keep the tension of my situation off as much as I can, but as a result I feel like I’m digging myself into a bigger hole. And it also makes me see people differently. I’ll try to decide based on a couple sentences whether a person is in the same situation, and whether they’re expecting something from me that I cannot give. I was just with a guy a couple weeks ago, and we’ve seen each other a couple time since, he’s sweet and romantic in a way that’s probably going to take some getting used to, especially since he’s already told me he doesn’t think people are ever truly deeply in love. We were in this bar just off the L train in Brooklyn, we were at a small table, one of those round ones with a tea light in the middle, and we were trying our best to avoid small talk. It was working until I just messed it up, I was starting to get a little cold, and for some reason I brought it up. He smiled, and told me he hated the cold too. He wanted to go somewhere warm and sunny, somewhere where he could have sand between his toes and a cold drink in his hand. He took a sip of his drink then, I think to reinforce the imagery in his mind. He laughed then, and to my surprise said “and I’m going to take you.” It was a thought that could become fact in his mind, but it made me sad. I don’t think I showed it, I’ve become good at hiding most of that, I just laughed and said “really?” I didn’t tell him then, I still haven’t told him. I didn’t tell him that this would only be possible if he were to wait a couple months and then take me to either the Jersey Shore or Long Island Beach. It sucks.
Another thing that puts me on edge is dealing with their reaction to finding out where I’m from. It’s a tense couple of minutes because I don’t really shy away from telling people I was born in Mexico, I’m actually very proud of it, it’s something that I’ve never hidden, and don’t see a reason to start doing so now. But some people just aren’t comfortable when I say it, they fidget in their seat and I’ll just have to move on like I didn’t notice.
My intention has never been to hide, but I just haven’t figured out how to bring up something that has become a much more important part of my life than it was three years ago. I have always been aware of my situation, my family has never hidden it away from me. Going into high school and going into college I was fully aware that I had to handle situations differently, but I figured it would all change later on when I managed to get a solid job. Sadly that hasn’t really happened yet, but I haven’t lost all hope just yet.
Sometimes when things get really hard the thought of marriage pops into my head. It’s a thought that haunts me when I start to get anxious or start to despair, “what if?” What if I were to get married? The thought kind of takes me out of myself. I sit and wonder how much easier some things could turn out to be, but it’s just an anxiety dream. Sad to say it happens more often than I would like to admit, but I manage to push it away and move on until the next time it pops up again.
I wish this wasn’t such a big part of me, but it is, and I think to a certain extent I should be grateful for this it. Ironically, it has taught how to navigate the world, it’s taught me who the people that I should have around me are and it’s also been the best teacher when it comes to earning what you deserve. Everything I’ve accomplished so far I’ve accomplished thanks to the drive my situation has given me. I’ve always known that to get somewhere I’ve got to work maybe twice as hard, and well the mindset is always going to be: I’m going to.
Sure the end goal for dating is somehow finding that one person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, or maybe some of the rest of your life with — never know for sure. And I want what everyone else wants, I want someone who will stick with me no matter what and this topic that I have to broach is kind of a double edged sword. It might just have to do with timing because it might never be the right time.
It’s all about who I ultimately choose to be with, and how they’ll take the news. Lately I’ve been projecting this part of me everywhere, I don’t hide it, because I feel it’s best to let the world that Dreamers are people and, whether they like it or not, Americans. Sure I love my home country and want to go back with all my heart, but if we’re honest I was six when I came to this country, and my memory isn’t the best. The streets of New York are all I’ve known and if I were to go back to Mexico I’d be lost for a while. My goal is to make the conversation easier for everyone, I’m not trying to hide anything but I’m also not trying to use it as some kind of trap. The romantic in me wants to believe in someone for everyone, even if it’s not always going to be the same kind of love.
I think my whole point is that I want that somebody I eventually meet to know that we’re there for the right reasons, not because of this one aspect of life that always seems to want to impose itself. It’s a situation that’s going to make my hands shake when brought up, but there’s only so much I can do and for the time being just something I’m going to have to handle until time says otherwise, and I can only hope that the other person understands.