Reflections of Bravery

After overcoming some huge personal barriers and publishing my first ever Medium article, I thought it quite fitting to reflect on the experience.

So as I tentatively hit Publish I was nervously questioning myself; had I done the right thing. This initial fear was soon replaced with a feeling of accomplishment. I was actually PROUD of myself, a new and rarely acknowledged feeling. As the dopamine rush sub-sided I found myself waiting for approval. A few friends sent extremely kind comments, again I felt proud and re-assured of my efforts. But then I found myself repeatedly checking to see if anyone had commented. Distracted by thoughts of “I wonder if anyone else has read it? I wonder what they think? Are there some awful comments sat there for everyone to read? Oh the shame! Do I need to take the article back down? I better just check again”. STOP! WHAT AM I DOING? The whole point is that I did not do this for approval. I thought I wanted some negative comments to test out my new bravery. Or maybe I was searching for any negative comments to prove to myself that I am actually not worthy and not good enough. Typical over-analysis, default thought processes, turn your phone off, meditate and go to bed!

New dawn, new day, deep breath. Well I’d like to thank ALL of the extremely positive and kind comments I have received. But I am even more grateful to the person who highlighted “a few grammatical errors and wrong tense, but writers always have 
someone who checks this stuff, hence reiterating that writers aren’t perfect”. Well, I am grateful NOW. Now that I have had time to think about it! Initially I was struck with gut wrenching self deprecation and shame. How could I put something out there with errors and typos! What will everyone think. I’m so embarrassed. Hide. Run away. Edit the article quickly before anyone else see’s it.

OK, Calm down. Lets take a time-out and look at my options! Reality Check 1: this was ONE out of 10–15 comments, and ALL the others are good. Very good.

Reality Check 2: the comment was actually sandwiched between compliments from this person, and intended (I suppose) as a helpful reminder that writers are not perfect (but still suggesting a published article should be!).

Reality Check 3: (and here enters self-righteousness) this person was missing the whole point of the article. Maybe I wanted it to be imperfect. Maybe I intended it to be rough around the edges. Now who’s the fool, ha ha. Here my ego is screaming at me to bite back and shame the shamer for missing the whole point of the article and being superficial and ignorant.

So what did I do?

I took another breath, the world kept turning, and I took the dogs for a walk. And while I walked (without my headphones; another big deal and a story for another day) I came up with everything which is written here. You see, the point of my writing was exactly THIS. To share my experience. To OWN my experience.

Shame is basically just FEAR. Fear of being flawed, unworthy and unlovable. Which is the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy. Which brings me to WORTHINESS. If we want to experience love and belonging we need to believe we are worthy of it. SHAME keeps worthiness away by convincing us that people will think less of us and won’t like us if they know who we are. When we let go of what other people think, and we OWN OUR STORY we gain access to worthiness and feeling enough. We need to ACCEPT ourselves, our story, and stop criticizing the parts we consider “imperfect”. Accept your imperfections. At the end of the day they are only imperfections if you perceive them as so. Accept all parts of yourself as YOU. You are worthy right now. Own your story and start feeling worthy. Be yourself, not who you believe others want you to be.

So I am OWNING MY STORY. And will I continue to own my story and be raw, exposed. I will allow myself to be vulnerable, honest and real. I am not seeking approval from the world. I am simply looking for connection. Or maybe I am just using this as a selfish tool to challenge myself and use the world to develop my resilience. I hope my motivation comes from a deep desire to connect and support others on their path. But is any act in life truly altruistic? There is always something to be gained if we authentically approach, and then mindfully reflect on the experience.

I am worthy of writing this article and the one I wrote yesterday, and any others I chose to in future. My motivation? Who cares. If it helps you, great. If it helps me, great. If it helps us both even better. I could go back and carefully highlight and summaries some key take-home messages, but no, take from it what you will. I do not need your approval (even though it’s nicer to be nice!). I welcome the criticism or contrasting opinions to grow my resilience and test my ego. So comment away, like, dislike, share or just go on with your day…