“The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new.”
― Samuel Beckett, Murphy
Prologue
I have always wondered what it would be like to be the sun. Every day you see the same things, but slightly different. These things change and change until they are gone. New things appear and you watch them change. It is a never-ending cycle. Perhaps the cycle of the sun is the same as life. You wake up every day to see the same things, or at least in my case, but with a slight difference. Except life is not a cycle. Eventually it will end. I was never really that fond of life. It didn’t seem so special to me. You had people who lived, and people who existed. I existed for other people, not myself. I was one of the mass, the faceless people. Our opines mattered, our the sound of our voices didn’t. I have accepted this fact, so I can exist in some sort of peace. I think we all have, we have no other choice. I was diagnosed with depression when I was seventeen. I wasn’t surprised, no one was. I was given pills, which were going to help me live “a happy life”. I wasn’t going to explain to the doctors that I was existing instead of living. They couldn’t handle that kind of information. My existence was quite unremarkable. I moved to a big city, got a job in an office, rented an apartment and that is about it. I don’t do relationships because they are useless and a waste of time. I would almost say I’m happy, but I don’t know what it feels like; I have only heard stories of it.
Day 1
My alarm went of at 7 a.m. Tuesday morning. Today was just like any other, nothing special. I got out of bed to brush my teeth and to comb my hair. After that I got dressed and went to the kitchen to eat my breakfast. My breakfast contained one apple and a small bowl of sour yogurt. I put my dishes in the dishwasher, grabbed my bag and left the apartment. Once outside I walked over to the bus stop, and waited for the 7:37 bus. I needed to wait exactly 4 minutes. The bus arrived a minute early; it isn’t the first time that had happened. I got on the bus, showed the driver my ticket. He smiled at me, and wished me a nice ride. How can a Bus ride be “nice”? The bus smelled weird, someone was playing his or her music to loud, and an old lady was snoring. Yeah “a nice bus ride”. After the comment I sat down, and put my bag on my lap, so it wouldn’t inconvenience someone. At 7:37 the bus left. The old lady that was snoring woke up and looked disoriented. She looked at her surroundings, and remembered she was on a bus. Must have been a disappointment. We arrived at the next stop and old lady got of. The person with the loud music also got of, finally. When he exited the bus, he suddenly looked my way and smiled. Do I know this guy? Maybe from work? No, then he would have got of at the next stop. Weird. Before I know it, we were at the next stop. I got out of my seat and walked over to the exit. The doors went open, and I got out. I needed to walk for five more minutes, and I would be at the office.
I arrived at the office 7:52. I went over to my desk and sat down. I waited for my boss to give me paperwork. He came out of his cubicle, and he handed over the paperwork. I thanked him and got the work. Most people would find my job unfulfilling, doing the same thing every single day, but I didn’t mind it. It was something that needed to be done.
The paperwork took me all day, and once I was done, I gave it to my boss and he thanked me. I nodded and left the office.
I left the office, and walked over to the bus stop. The bus would arrive in two minutes. The two minutes passed and the bus arrived. I got on the bus, showed my ticket to the bus driver and took a seat. At 18:43 I got out of the bus, and walked home. When I finally got home, I checked my mailbox. Mostly it was just commercials, a couple bills and a letter from my mother, asking me if I would contact her. My mother thought she could make me “happy again”. I truly don’t know how, cause I have never been “happy”, and I’m totally fine with it. My mother probably wants me to come home, so she can set me up with one of her friends’ children. I have told her countless times that don’t want a relationship, but she doesn’t listen. I throw the letter in the trashcan next to the mailbox. My neighbour, who was apparently watching, asked me: Aren’t you going to open that? No, I answered and walked over to my door and entered my apartment. I dropped my bag on the floor and I saw someone had left me a voicemail on my answering machine. “Hello this is your mother. I was wondering if you were ever going to call me back. …Honey it’s been so long, it can’t be that hard. I love you very much and…” Voicemail deleted. I will definitely not listen to her “plea bargain” to get me to come home again. That woman only cared for herself, and used other people to get what she wanted. My childhood was full of moments were she had pretend to be the perfect daughter. It was one big façade. Anyone who believed one of her lies is extremely stupid. My doorbell went off. If that woman is standing at the other side of the door, I will hurt her. The doorbell went off again, but this time it sounded more urgent. With much hesitance I opened the door, to see my neighbour stand at the other side. “I heard a lot of noise come from your apartment, is everything okay? It sounded like you broke a few things”. I looked back in my apartment a saw it was completely trashed. Pretty much everything was broken. I turned my head back to my neighbour, who looked at me in horror. I reassured him everything was fine, but I don’t think he believed that, because he didn’t leave. “Today in the bus you also looked very disoriented at everyone and everything, do you maybe need help? A friend of mine he is a really good psychologist, and he can probably help with whatever is going on. You’re not alone, you know that right? There is no need to through this alone”. He probably thought this statement would make me cry, and that I would hug him and say “that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me”. Well he was wrong; I thanked him for his offer, but said I didn’t need it. And still he didn’t leave. “You I don’t believe that, I really think you need help, and I’m not leaving until you get it”. I know nothing of this man except we lived in the same building, but yet he was so persistent to help me. Why? I honestly can’t think of any reasons why. Suddenly I felt that my hand was intertwined with another hand. It was my neighbours. I abruptly took my hand out of his and waited for his answer. “ I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m very sorry if that made you feel uncomfortable. I wont happen again, I promise”. I felt an uneasy feeling in the lower part of my stomach, which I had never felt before. I felt the urge to introduce myself to the man. “My name is Mary”. The man smiled at me and said, “My name is John, nice to meet you Mary”. For a while we just stared in each other’s eyes, until a another neighbour saw the ravage in my apartment. She too looked at my in horror. “What the hell happened? Do I need to call the police, because I will do that”. “No need for that Miss Bentham. It’s under control. Mary just freaked out. …But you don’t need to worry about that”. The neighbour looked at John, then at me and back to John and said; “I sure hope so boy”. The neighbour walked up the stairs, and disappeared from our sight. “Miss Bentham is always a pain the ass. Just ignore her. But since your apartment is kind of trashed, do you want sleep in apartment tonight? Ill sleep on the couch”. I looked back at my apartment, and thought that John’s proposal wasn’t that bad of a idea. Okay, I said back to John. John smiled, and gestured the way to his apartment. It was across the hall from mine. We walked over to it, and John opened the already opened door even further. His apartment was quite similar to mine, except John had more furniture. As we entered the apartment John went straight to his bedroom, and left me alone in the rest of his living space. I looked a around and noticed a table with a lot of pictures. John was in most of them, some people were also recurring a lot. John had returned from his bedroom and was now carrying his laundry, which dumped on the couch. “Hey I’m quite hungry, do want to grab a bite?”. Grab a bite? That sounds kind of illogical. John probably noticed the confusing look on my face and said: “I mean do you want to go to a restaurant? To you know eat something?”. Normally I would eat a microwave dish, but for some reason it looked like that wasn’t going to happen tonight, so I agreed to John’s proposal. He said he knew a great place that served amazing Thai food. It was all-organic and there was no plastic in the restaurant. I’m not sure john has ever been to place, but I was quite hungry, so I didn’t care for it. We grabbed my coat and a bunch of stuff that had survived my rampage and we headed for the restaurant. We only needed to walk three blocks. The restaurant was located in a renovated townhouse. It was quite busy, but John managed to get us a table. It had something to do with the fact he knew someone, who on his part knew the owner. Anyway we got seated next to a window. The waiter immediately took our drink orders, and john ordered some traditional Thai drinks. When waiter left John looked at me, and smiled. I asked what was so funny, but caused him to laugh. I was very confused with the situation. As soon as John noticed this, he stopped laughing. “Its just we lived across from each other for three years, and we never talked to one another. How long can two humans go without talking to each other”. I thought about my mother, who I haven’t seen for so long. Who I haven’t talked to for so long. John noticed I was drifting away, and asked what I wanted to eat. Apparently the waiter had returned with our drinks, and was now asking what we wanted to eat. I don’t go to restaurants, so I didn’t know what the do. John saw me struggling, and ordered some food for me. The waiter left, but not before giving me a judgemental look. It made me feel uncomfortable. John took his glass and said cheers to me. “Where are from actually? Are from around region?” I moved here. “So where are from originally then?” I’m from the Midwest. John looked at me, and again he was smiling. What, I asked. “I don’t mean to be offending, but you’re just so interesting to me. You have this weirdly amazing vibe around you.” Thank you, I suppose. A few moments later the waiter returned with the food. John and I both had a kind of Thai soup. “Enjoy!” John said happily. The soup didn’t hurt my taste buds, it was quite okay. After finishing the soup, John took the check and paid for the food. I said that I could pay it myself, but john insisted. Afterwards we left the restaurant and walked back to the apartment building. “Are you cold, you can take my jacket if you want to?” Before I knew it, he wrapped his jacket around me. I nodded to let him that I appreciated the gesture. John smiled to the ground. I was wondering why John was doing all this, helping me. Why? I asked John. “What?” Why, I said again. John stopped walking, and was now standing still in front of me. “Because I want to get to know you. The real you”. The “real” me was standing right in front of him, why was he complaining? John noticed my struggle with his question, and quickly he changed the subject. “So do you need to get any stuff from your apartment?” I said I only needed my toiletries and some clothes. I saw that my answer gave a satisfying look to john’s face. We walked back to the apartment, and got my stuff. John said he would carry it for me. Again, I could have done it myself. John made his bed ready for me. As he left the room, he wished me good night.
